2021 FTRS Picks, Week 1: Pretending everything is back to normal

EARTH CITIZENS.... ONCE MORE WE BID YOU GREETINGS.

NO DOUBT YOU HAVE ANXIOUSLY AWAITED OUR RETURN. WE HAVE FELT IT THROUGHOUT THE ECHOES OF TIME AND SPACE. FOR AN ERA YOU HAVE WAITED PATIENTLY FOR OUR CALLINGS, AND WE HAVE OBSERVED YOUR RESPONSES WITH MUCH AMUSEMENT.

HOWEVER, IN THE GREAT ROAR OF THE COSMOS, ONLY WE ARE INFINITE. ALL OTHER THINGS.... MUST CHANGE.

THIS IS OUR FINAL MESSAGE. THE TIME HAS COME TO TRANSFER THIS POWER TO ANOTHER. OUR ATTENTION IS NEEDED........ ELSEWHERE.

DO NOT WEEP. DO NOT GRIEVE. FOR THOUGH WE MUST DEPART, KNOW THAT WE ARE STILL WITH YOU, FOR WE ARE EVERYWHERE AT ALL TIMES.

AND REMEMBER.... WE ARE ALWAYS WATCHING.

#10 North Carolina Tar Heels (-5.5) @ Virginia Tech Hokies

Ain’t nothing like a Thursday night game in Blacksburg. The lights, the Metallica, the existential dread of wondering if Justin Fuente finally breaks through this year or if the house of cards he built on horrible recruiting classes finally collapses. Meanwhile, on the other sideline, there is Mack Brown, unretired, seemingly eternal, building a recruiting juggernaut at a basketball school. Where did it all go wrong for the Hokies? We may never know. — Carter

I am not sure why UNC is only getting 5.5 points in this game. Is there just that much respect for playing in Blacksburg on a Thursday? UNC should cover easily. If they don’t I’m not sure if it says more about how good VPISU is or how bad UNC is. — Logan

Carter’s pick: UNC

Logan’s pick: UNC

#19 Penn State Nittany Lions @ #12 Wisconsin Badgers (-5.5)

Both these teams had it rough last year. Part of that was COVID and part of that was some amazing play by opponents. Both teams have plenty to prove in this matchup. In a toss up take Wisconsin because they’re at home, and their mascot doesn’t look like something I stitched together for a 5 year old. I will expect Penn State to keep it within a field goal though. — Logan

The Big Ten is going in on week 1, and quite frankly, I respect it. Would I rather see Wisconsin lining up against the Nittany Lions in November, featuring typical Wisconsin November weather? Sure, but it’s not some neutral site cash grab, so I’ll take it. (Please ignore the fact there are several such neutral site cash grabs in these picks. Lack of internal consistency is a feature of college football, not a bug.) — Carter

Carter’s pick: Penn State

Logan’s pick: Wisconsin Wins, Penn State Covers

#1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-19.5) vs. #14 Miami Hurricanes

If there is anything, ANYTHING, to take away from the past 10 or so years of college football, it is that betting against Alabama is a terrible idea. Alabama takes it by 30 points. — Logan

No, really, betting against the Tide to cover has rarely turned out well. On a tangentially related note, I can’t wait to see how Miami fans react to seeing DragonCon cosplayers. — Carter

Carter’s pick: Roll Tide y’all

Logan’s pick: Tuscaloosa Nick Sabans

#17 Indiana Hoosiers @ #18 Iowa Hawkeyes (-3.5)

Battle of who you will be cheering for as a dark horse to win the BIG 10. After an impressive season last year Indiana brings back Michael Penix Jr. at QB. Iowa is getting some serious hype coming into this year from pundits who are looking for a team from the west to upset Ohio State. Look for Indiana to take this one in a surprise upset to push Iowa against the wall when they play Iowa State next week. — Logan

The B1G is doing us all dirty by forcing its two “wait, it’s week [n] and they’re still undefeated??” teams to play in week 1. On the other hand, that’s a lot fewer weeks I’ll have to hear “[n]-WINdiana” or “talk to your kids about an undefeated Iowa”, so, silver linings. — Carter

Carter’s pick: Iowa

Logan’s pick: Indiana

#23 Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns @ #21 Texas Longhorns (-8)

The four year* Texas “[Foo Fighters] Y’all, Big 12, We’re Out” tour kicks off Saturday, but before the Longhorns jump into the deep end of the SEC, they’ve got a few more games to play against teams closer to their caliber, starting with the Louisiana Ragin’ Cajuns. Billy Napier continues to build his Cajun Empire in Lafayette, and after coming a shrimp whisker’s width away from an undefeated season last year, he and the Cajuns are out to win everything this year, and it starts with putting another Big 12 skin on the wall. (What, you already forgot that’s how last year started for them?) — Carter

*actual length subject to change

Louisiana Lafayette... That is all — Logan

Carter’s pick: the Rage of the Caj’

Logan’s pick: ULL covers

#5 Georgia Bulldogs vs. #3 Clemson Tigers (-3)

And the Lord doth queried “How art those canines?” and George P Burdell replied “Relieve yourself upon them! For they are vile creatures.”

... Fancy way of saying Clemson wins this one by 4 points. — Logan

Everyone knows that this is the most important game of the season. Champions will be crowned and playoff hopes will be dashed.... except not really. It’s week 1 and the two teams playing here are two of the very select few who can absorb a loss without it affecting their playoff chances one bit. But DJ blah blah, JT blah blah, important, something. — Carter

Carter’s pick: Clemson

Logan’s pick: Clemson

Northern Illinois Huskies @ Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-18.5)

If we don’t win this game I am going to burn down my house. Georgia Tech wins and covers. — Logan

Feel like it’s been a while since I included a Georgia Tech game in these here picks. I had a momentary thought of comparing Geoff Collins to Ted Lasso.... but no, no, I’m not doing that. — Carter

Carter’s pick: at 18.5? ......NIU

Logan’s pick: GT

#16 LSU Tigers (-3) @ UCLA Bruins

Do we dare take UCLA after they crushed Hawaii last week? No, that’s ridiculous. LSU takes it by a touchdown. — Logan

After the beating Chip Kelly’s Bruins dealt to Hawai’i in week 0, do we have to ask if he’s back? No, really, do we have to ask that? Something a little more substantial than beating a team coached by Todd Graham would be useful here. Is LSU too much substance? Maybe. — Carter

Carter’s pick: LSU

Logan’s pick: LSU

BYU Cougars (-12.5) @ Arizona Wildcats

As my fraternity brother used to say, “I love me some cougars, they know just what I like.” Pretty sure he was talking about BYU when he said that. Let’s go with the Mormons in this matchup, but Arizona beats the spread. — Logan

You have to take into account the fact BYU is playing at a huge disadvantage. They’re playing in Las Vegas — Sin City — and the game will end after the players’ bedtimes. Half the team is about to give in to temptation and the other half is about to rat them out for giving in to temptation. — Carter

Carter’s pick: BYU

Logan’s pick: BYU wins, Arizona covers

Louisville Cardinals vs. Ole Miss Rebels (-10)

Ahh, Atlanta. The capital of the south and the Terminus City. Trains are a big part of Atlanta’s history, and you’ll hear a train horn go off every time the home team scores at Mercedez-Benz Stadium. Why, just now, I think — yes, there it is:

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

....that’s the weirdest sounding train horn I’ve ever heard. What on earth is that?

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Wait. That sounds familiar. But no, it can’t be. Anything but —

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT’S RIGHT BABY IT’S THE LANE TRAIN ARRIVING ON TIME AND FULLY VACCINATED AT ITS FIRST STOP OF THE 2021 SCHEDULE! LOOK OUT FOR JOEY FRESHWATER SIGHTINGS IN VIRGINIA-HIGHLAND! — Carter

... yeah what Carter said — Logan

Carter’s pick: Ole Miss

Logan’s pick: Ole Miss

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