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Mailbag 4/16

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We talk Muppets and scheduling!

“Sesame Street” Street Renaming - New York City Photo by Taylor Hill/Getty Images

You are reincarnated with Jim Henson’s hand up your backside. What Muppet are you?

Ben: Jim Henson’s hand up my backside put some unpleasant thoughts in my head, so I’m gonna just move on.

Jake P.: Probably Scooter, but that’s a decision I made after briefly looking up Wikipedia’s descriptions of the Muppet characters.

Jeff: The Swedish Chef because there are times in the kitchen when I just want to throw sharp objects.

Levi: This one is easy. In HS, my nickname was Cookie Monster.

CFB is delayed. You’re the AD/tsar/whatever you want to call it. There are only eight games available to us – which games do you pick? Do you bounce COFH? Conference crossover(s)? The other nonconference games?

Ben: Oh, this is a fun exercise! I feel like there are a couple realms of thought here. If you want to go for easiest schedule, drop UNC, UGA, Clemson, and Notre Dame. Do you want to keep the games that sell? I would say drop Gardner-Webb and UCF, but those are two of our home games. For my answer, I’ll take a middle road that makes the schedule slightly easier, but allows us to keep a majority of our home games. Let’s drop Gardner-Webb, UNC, Syracuse, and Georgia.

Jake P.: I would immediately cut the games with UCF and Gardner-Webb, next would probably be COFH. The last game I would cancel would be against Notre Dame (even though it would take place in the greatest stadium in the world), because it doesn’t matter for the ACC standings. That leaves us with eight conference games that count for something.

Jake: Keep the conference games, it’s the easiest way to put it together. If not that, just start chopping off the beginning until we can start ‘em up.

Akshay: Older Jake is right — given that the schedule is back-loaded with notable home games (ND and Miami, mainly), starting to cut from the front allows for games that would sell well and maintain the Coastal division competition.

Jeff: I’m dropping Clemson (because blow out), Gardner-Webb (because blow out or embarrassment), Pitt and Cuse (because they are low tier road games). I also would never drop COFH. One of these years we will derail their dreams and make them play a meaningless SEC championship.

Levi: Conference Schedule only. That’s what everyone else will do, we’d be complicating it by keeping our rivals on non-con.

Where are you holing up on campus for the zombie apocalypse?

Jake P.: Mike Bobinski’s old office, no one ever saw anything there.

Jake: We do a sniper game with Reck Club when we get new probates and I am undefeated when that’s going on by using the pool press box to study so I think that’s a good start.

Chris: When I lived in Smith my freshman year, my roommate and I would discuss our strategy for this all the time. We decided that Smith Hall wouldn’t actually be a bad spot on the corner of campus with very few points of entry. Any of the fraternity houses with balconies would be good too (fresh air + ability to snipe zombies safely). I think what we ultimately decided was to hole up in Smith, accumulate weapons (somehow?), slowly press towards the Greek sector, and secure each of our houses. From that point we could set up some sort of perimeter that the houses are contained within and slowly push that outwards.

Akshay: Well, now all of the potential zombies know where Jake is hiding, so good luck with that, bud.

Jeff: I’d mosey on over to georgia's campus because no zombie would look for brains in Athens.

Levi; O’Keefe is a fortress. There’s even guard towers. Several doors are metal and even the bathrooms have manual locks. That’s where I’d hole up.

Which of the FTRS staff survives the longest?

Ben: Almost certainly not me. I would go crazy way too quickly.

Jake P.: Probably Stephen and Chris.

Jake: Stephen’s talking about all this home improvement stuff he’s doing, so he’s toolsy and I’m pretty sure he lives not in Midtown like some of us, so those odds are good. Akshay could hunker down in a basement like no one’s business and be fine, so there’s that, too.

Chris: After a vote of confidence from Jake the Younger, I’m feelin’ pretty good about my skillset.

Jeff: My dog would give me away. He barks at limbs moving on a tree.

Levi: Self-plug. I’m resourceful, a good shot, a better fighter, and I was a boy scout.

Iowa St and L’ville have already had their AD’s and top coaches (football, basketball, baseball) take pay cuts for this year. How long do you think it is before TStan, Collins and Pastner take pay cuts for GT?

Ben: I don’t know when anything will be announced, but I would certainly think something of this ilk is already in the process of happening.

Jake: ADTS needs that money for the Oregon State buyout as far as I know, but seeing how football has quashed all the spending flexibility for literally every other program, it wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world optics-wise for Collins to do that. With my non-rev ear to the ground, I know there was some grumbling about that before all this got bad, so if they’re taking cuts while football is still getting new themed shirts for every Wednesday workout, that won’t be awesome.

Akshay: I don’t have insider knowledge, but given the current state of the college athletics landscape, it may be soon. CoViD-19 is really going to tighten everyone’s purse-strings this year, and if it affects football at all, you’re going to see schools start to drop non-rev sports because they no longer have the cash flow to pay for them (see: Cincinnati’s men’s soccer this past week, which was a pre-casualty of this, if there is such a thing). The money has to come from somewhere.

Jeff: If the football revenue stream takes a hit then it will be an almost certainty. Tech already overextended to bring in this coaching group so they would be in a real deep hole if they couldn’t slash expenses.

Levi: I don’t think the coaches would want to alter their contracts. Collins is on a very friendly deal and Pastner’s restructure may include 0 years and a bus ticket. TStan is the only hope here.