The Common Man’s approach to CFB, brought to you by the most normal person on any team.
Another week down, another week towards thinking we know the full picture of what this draw-by-numbers season really is.
But, odds are, despite this looking like a cat, if College Football were to have it’s way, it would be anything but. That’s just how football works. It takes no prisoners, spares no village, leaves no stone un-turned. You the stone are gonna be turned multiple times, uncovering all of your flaws and leaving you wondering why you even like football. Happiest Time of the Year!
1) Alabama might be good at football - stop me if you’ve heard this before.
2) Rather than break it out into its own segment, I’m just gonna PLAYOFFS?? the entire Pac-12. Is it pre-mature? Probably, but then again, I have nothing to lose by calling my shot now. Invent some stakes, and you know I’ll be there for it.
3) Anything related to owning a home takes [foreigner]ing forever. I spent 3 hours heat gunning a door on Saturday during the noon slot. Tennessee [my shameful third team? idk... I came back from summer camp with a lot more questions than I showed up with] wasn’t worth watching, so it freed up a good bit of time for me.
3b) I don’t know when it happened, but I looked up one day Saturday and realized I hadn’t watched more than 15 minutes of College Gameday in at least 3 seasons. I don’t know how this makes me feel, but old is the first thing that comes to mind.
4) UCF are frauds. Hot stinkin’ frauds. Manager’s-Special-meat-lookin’ football team. I trusted you. $7 bet in last week’s column comments. (more on this to come)
Probably my mistake for trusting a distant relative of Ted Cruz. I can’t get the dumb picture to embed, so you’ll just have to find it yourself. But yea, this is what the title picture was going to be in reference to. 45 minutes in the back of the bar creating charts to tell you that UCF was no good.
Things I Think I Know
- This year’s Heisman race has no early sure-fire favorite like it has felt in years past. If you had to make me guess who ends up in New York, I’d go: Tua, Jalen, Trevor. With Etienne, Fields, and Jonathan Taylor rounding out the Top 6. Jalen wins it if stats keep up at the rate their being accumulated right now, which, in a word, is quickly.
- ITS THAT TIME OF YEAR. Is [x] team the best [y] loss team in the country?
(edit: this is gonna be a ranking based on wins, cus that’s way easier to track than losses)
Cus I need to feel things other than inside zone on 3rd & 12 in my life right now.
BEST 0 WIN TEAM IN THE COUNTRY - Vanderbilt. This one doesn’t really seem fair. You’ve played uga and dLSU, along with a game against Purdue you probably should’ve done a lot better in honestly. Other options in this slot were Akron, Rice, New Mexico State, Oregon State, and UMass. So uh ya.
BEST 1 WIN TEAM IN THE COUNTRY - South Carolina. Despite losing to a true freshman and definitely retired Mack Brown, and being sacrificed to Bama, I think there’s still some promise left in this season. Yea you’re coming off weird stuff happening in the other SEC Columbia, but ask uga, [styx] happens. (edit: ya this game was in Athens, but I wanted to include it because the only thing I remember from this game was the first play and ESPN putting up a graphic that read #ScoopNScore and it was everything). Honorable Mention goes to Tennessee, Purdue, Northwestern, UCLA, Georgia Tech, and Stanford.
BEST 2 WIN TEAM IN THE COUNTRY - Texas A&M. Your season is gonna absolutely suck, and you can’t do anything about it except keep sending bank trucks to Jimbo’s house. You get Bama’d in three weeks. Honorable Mention: Notre Dame.
BEST 3 WIN TEAM IN THE COUNTRY - WISCONSIN. They’re coming. All the beef in the grocery store is running straight at you. “Is this a nightmare?” you might think to yourself. No, it’s reality.
The line Richard Johnson used, which strikes a deep chord in the fiber of my soul, was
“Wisconsin debuted the physical manifestation of a Rick Ross grunt onto Michigan in a 35-14 rout.”
BEST 4 WIN TEAM IN THE COUNTRY
We’ll let you decide
This poll is closed
ALL OF THESE TEAMS ARE 4-0 OUT OF NO-WHERE.
And because you asked, they’ll all make it to 5-0 this week. Arizona State travels to Berkeley. SMU travels to South Florida and might mess around and get Charlie fired. And last but not least, Wake goes and visits Addazio, who might still be in a corner weeping after getting obliterated by Les Miles and Kansas.
Wake Forest - but we can’t do it just out of principle. The last time they were ranked was ‘08, and we know what happened then.
Top 5 Top 5
We weren’t expecting this to debut so soon...
- Ohio State
Kenny Trill Heisman of the Week
Attempting the “Nick Foles in a losing effort” statline, we have Anthony Gordon, QB Washington State
41/61 passing - 9 TOUCHDOWNS, 2 picks. Kudos, but you also blew like the biggest lead ever. Doesn’t mean you can’t give yourself a cool nickname, cus Anthony Gordon simply doesn’t move the needle considering you’re a Wazzu QB.
Does Tech Need a Tee [Boston]?
So i timed the first kickoff from that time we played last.
“14.95 from sideline to sideline. King picked up his own tee though +5 seconds.”
I timed the second one, but it was sooooo much slower. The retriever just kinda walked back from the hash and I lost all interest.
A boring performance all around from the person who used to be me. Just get a puppy, name him George (P. Burdell obviously) and have him go run get the tee. People would freak and then we could be Texas A&M, but broke.
(Eaux)de to the O
Ooooo BUDDY, I TELLIN YOU, THEY GOT THE BRIGHT LIGHS IN NASHAVEGAS, BU THAS ABOUTIT. AINT HAVE NO BEER AFTA HALFTIME AT DA STADIUM. AINT HAVE NO DEFENSE FO MA SPECIAL BOY JO TO THROW AGAINST. IM JUS WAITN ON DA KICKOFF TIME TO BE SAID FO DA FLORDA GAME.
The More You Know
Never throw shade where you’ve allegedly buried your compost, so to speak. This could be fun to watch as a season story. Then Arizona might actually switch to the option like a bunch of not-cowards.
Kevin Sumlin tweets eyeball emojis after the Aggies’ loss, Texas A&M recruiting analyst threatens Sumlin’s career. (Screenshot edited by me, because it’s the Lord’s day). pic.twitter.com/Hc4f6ExPXS— Matt Young (@Chron_MattYoung) September 22, 2019
this segment was meant to be my relationship with Tech in terms of how many RPMs I get in my anger-bone. Thus,
Prop Bet of the Week
It was passing yards under 175 I wanna say for the Temple game, and you know how that goes.
Recap for the 10 picks I give out each week in the comments section some time between Wednesday-Friday: I went 6/10 this past week. For the season, I’m 53% against the spread, or an 8% ROI. Again, all these bets are fake, but I live and die with them each week as though they were my own. Heed my advice at your own risk.
This Week’s Bet: O/U on converted Money Down’s by Temple -7.5
Going to take a spicy bet and see if they really hated the Money down announcement as much as certain factions of our fanbase do. But before you cast curses on it, think about what this could become for Tech in terms of a community impact initiative. For every money down converted, Tech could donate $50, $100, whatever, to Children’s Healthcare of Atlanta. That way, you get a cause everyone can rally around, and this gimmick-y object that now rests squarely in our ears drum on every third down announcement from the PA system can start doing some real good off the field. Just a thought. cc: Everyone working in the AA.
As always, thanks for reading, and hopefully next week I’ll be bringing you all the column at its normal time, preferably on Monday, preferably in the morning. Just like the doctor ordered.