This happened yesterday, as I’m sure you all are very aware of.
It’s rumored that Geoff Collins will leave his post at Georgia Tech to head across the pond to take the helm at Spurs, with sources citing Geoff’s defensive INTENSITY and EFFORT, as well as a desire for new blood, as key pros for Spurs execs. Under that assumption that “he gon’” (to borrow a phrase from our own Andrew Rodrigues), we at Personal Foul Offense would like to help Geoff transition to the EPL. We’ve made him some notes on connecting with the fan cultures and understanding what his most important tasks are as the new manager. Best of luck across the pond to Coach Collins, as he tries to convince his higher-ups at Spurs of the merits of a PLAYER-BASED offense, EFFORT- and GRIT-based defense, and posting Above-The-Line charts over releasing starting XIs 90 minutes before matches.
Liverpool : Clemson
used to not be able to win anything (pre-1990 doesn’t matter anymore in the EPL just like it doesn’t in College Football. Funny how that works), but suddenly are getting good after deciding to spend enough money to play with the big boys. Won the Champions League last year, which is like beating Alabama. Why not.
Manchester City : Wait, it’s Clemson too
after deciding to start spending money faster than anybody else in the league before Liverpool did it, everybody kind of hates them now.
Chelsea : Miami
their arguably best moments were lived in the early-mid 2000’s. Popped up on everyone’s radar in 2017 by winning the division. When they got to the game that mattered (Champions League the following year, let’s just call that the Orange Bowl) they got [Aerosmith]-blasted by a team from a foreign land (Barcelona/Wisconsin)
Leicester City : Wake Forest
hey ‘member that time they won the league out of nowhere against literally all odds? Then everything went back to normal afterwards?
Sheffield United : Pittsburgh
sort of having a moment right now after just being promoted. You could say they’re coming off of winning the ACC Coastal, and nobody would be able to tell you they weren’t. Also, both are in the Steel City of their respective countries. Oh, they chant John Denver songs (sorta), which makes them perfect to have a historical rivalry with West Virginia. Praising chip sandwiches in song form? Oh yea, your stadium is definitely named after a condiment company.
Arsenal : Florida State
The Invincibles could be used to describe Bowden’s run from 1992-2000 where they only lost 11 games total. Nowadays, you’re fighting to stay in the Top 6.
Wolverhampton : NC State
both of those words work to describe NC State. Also, your rival is Aston Villa.
Aston Villa : UNC
Maintains bandwagon support through the Midlands. Fanbase is predominantly white. Your true rival is Wolves. Your current head coach is literally named Dean Smith. I shouldn’t have to keep going to sell this extremely tired metaphor anymore.
AFC Bournemouth : Boston College
Since getting up to the Premier League in 2015-16, they’ve finished approximately 6-6. Always finishing between 9th and 14th. You’re just sort of there. Ready to wallop the down teams, but also never really threatening the established powers. You could tell me Eddie Howe and Steve Addazio are cousins and I wouldn’t bat an eye. Their dream is to open an men’s club in Amsheram which might as well be the Chesnut Hill of London. You won’t ever fact check this, so it is now cannon.
Burnley : Duke
Solidly mid-tier to bad. Sam Dyson is as much of a curmudgeon as David Cutcliffe is. Don’t think about this too hard, k?
Tottenham : Virginia Tech
You’ve got a couple of runner’s up trophies. Never won it all so to speak. Even if you have Michael Vick playing quarterback. Unlike Virginia Tech, they haven’t had the steady hand in retaining coaches, so watch yourself Geoff. The metal lunchpail doesn’t translate over in England. They just put their chip buttys in plastic wrap and eat bangers and mash.
Extra credit: Mauricio Pochettino is an Englishman’s Mark Richt — nice enough guy, good enough system to keep pace with the cream of the crop, just couldn’t ever get over the hump.
Crystal Palace : Louisville
Sort of just got to the big stage. Was the Big East ever realllly a Power 5/6 conference? I’ll let you be the judge of that. Their mascot is an eagle, and the closest thing Kentucky can get to an eagle is a redbird I’m pretty sure. You might be technically located in a big city, but your football teams come nowhere close to being the biggest act in town.
Newcastle : Virginia
You never really have moved the needle. You prefer to spend your money on things other than sports. You squander talent in favor of running a system that sets you apart in no way. Remember when Mike London had 2 5* players in one class and didn’t win more than 5 games? I do.
Manchester United : Notre Dame
Used to be pretty good, but now scuttle amongst the top 10% of teams. They have a lot of talent, but when facing a top opponent, they get absolutely blown away (see: 2013 National Title Game versus #2 Alabama).
Extra credit: the Urban Meyer of the EPL — Jose Mourinho — ran the Red Devils from 2016 to 2018, whence he was canned midway through the season for lack of hardware. Poor
Brian Kelly Jose, just can’t seem to win the big one.
Brighton Hove Albion: Syracuse
they literally do not matter.
Everton : Georgia Tech
Usually consistently mid-table, but slipping this season. Nicknamed “the Toffees”, which is as quirky and unique a name as the Yellow Jackets. Overshadowed in its own area by a much-larger and more popular rival (Liverpool). Went through a golden era in the middle of the 20th century, but while they slipped to mediocrity by the end of the millennium, the Toffees still proved to be a pain in the [AC/DC] to their local rival from time to time.
Of course Tottenham just went and hired Urban Meyer. Soccer is football and football is soccer.