This is a dLSU column now. Sorry.
Da Comma Man’s approash to CFB, brough t’ you by da mos’ nor-ma person on da team.
We a headin’ inta tha bigges’ week a da year. ‘Cept fur Bama weekend, dis’ll be da bigges’ gameuhdayear. Bucka ya chinstrap, clinch ya teeth, and punch yaself ‘n da mouf. I’s Gameday.
- Boys almos gotta shutout gainst tha otha Aggies this weeken. Jus a warmup fur da otha Aggies, you no, the broke’uns.
- Y’all said da Coach Eaux couldnt have da offense. Boy, hope you like eatin’ words, cus its time fur ya main course. #1 SCORIN OFFENSE
- I ain’ all dat impress wit da forma backup fur da Gatahs. An’ ion like them puttin’ dat boy back ou ther with the gimpy knee he was dealin’ wit. Don’ risk da playa jus to win a ball game.
- Joe-gia Tech didn’ win, and dat’s a damn shame. Gotta sof spot fur dem boys.
Things da Coach Eaux Thinks He Knows
- Tell da Truth Monday wen off wihout a hitch. Our family knows what we stan fur, and a tigah can’ hide his stripes.
- Competition Tuesday honesly is my favorit dayoda week. Good to pu sum fire in tha belly ah yo family ifyaknowatimeen.
- Time yo readin’ this, it’ll be Turnover Wednesday. Appa Turnover dis week. Ha sum cherry’uns las week, time fura change.
- No Repeats Thursday’ll be abou tha time Florida’ll getta town. Stayin’ at La Quinta. Call ‘em all night, let’em no they ain’t at home
- Focus Friday. Phil Colluns’ll blarin in da locka room. You betta bleeve it.
A great segue (messes me up every single time I have to type this word out I swear) away from talking about the Bayou Bengal (excitement in my heart, this is a children’s column, but you understand alliteration) I currently have.
Speaking of Sandmen, we might have the chance to watch Fuente’s light exit on his tenure at VPISU, and I would loooooove to be that reason.
Speaking of people that need to be fired, I’m ‘bout to get on a soapbox.
JAY FEELY YOU GET OFF THE AIR.
SAI Flashback: 2 years ago today, Jay Feely, a man CBS literally hired as a “kicking expert” for their games, watched this kick and thought he made it pic.twitter.com/0R8UpF9BSX— Someone's An Idiot (@SomeonesAnIdiot) October 7, 2019
2 years ago this happened. 1+ years ago, I made a tweet at him about how college kickers should not have to have the laces properly aligned inside of 30 yards. This is a believe I will hold to the grave. I’ll even amend it to 40 yards. My fully formed thesis is such:
IF YOU ARE A PERSON COMPENSATED TO KICK FOOTBALLS, HAVING THE LACES FACING THE WRONG WAY SHOULD NOT AFFECT YOUR KICK WITHIN 40 YARDS.
- IT TAKES APPROXIMATELY 2 SECONDS FOR THE BALL TO TRAVEL 40 YARDS WHEN KICKED. IT IS A CHIP SHOT FOR PEOPLE OF YOUR CALIBER. IN THE TIME THAT BALL IS IN THE AIR, THE DIRECTION OF THE LACES DOES NOT CAUSE THE BALL TO TRAVEL OUTSIDE OF THE UPRIGHTS UNLESS THERE IS 2012 SUN BOWL LEVELS OF WIND,
EXTRA EMPHASIS - UNLESS YOU HAD A [STYX] KICK IN THE FIRST PLACE.
- LACES BEING NOT PERFECT DOES NOT GIVE YOU AN EXCUSE TO MISS THE KICK. IT MEANS YOU DIDN’T DO YOUR JOB RIGHT.
Always cite your sources kids:
And Jay Feely’s coward self kept quote tweeting me instead of engaging in a good dialogue, so i apologize for having to link the end of the thread.
So, if I'm following correctly, Chris and Kirk's critique of the hold was misplaced, as I said in the first place? Aguayo just flat missed it.— Stephen Murphey (@murphey_stephen) September 4, 2018
History will ultimately tell me if I was right, but I’ll spoil it for you and tell you I was. Jay Feely, no hard feelings. But don’t cross me again, next time I might get Big Tennessee after you on twitter.
Prop Bet of the Week
The under on penalty yards hit, although UNC did flirt with it for a while. Good job for no dumb personal fouls penalties, now to stop people on defense.
This week’s bet - Number of Flexbone-esque plays run against Collins & Co. I’ll start the betting at 8.5, but if we just utterly can’t stop it, then expect it to hit double digits fast. He used it against Bama, I know in my heart it’ll happen to us.
Honestly at this point, nothing is going according to plan. Everybody keeps losing, and I don’t want to consider the thought of having to keep ranking people... gimme Minnesota because of their absolutely stupid beginning of the year schedule where they played an absolute murderer’s row of OOC teams and came out unscathed
Now, common convention is to play cupcakes. The more literal the better. Instead, Minnesota played an option team (Trigger Warning), an FCS Dakota school that isn’t bad, and @ Fresno State, a team that has won 10 games multiple times in the last 5 years. They won all of them and then caught Purdue without their offense. The rest of the schedule is before them now, and buddy is it brutal. JUST KIDDING. They somehow miss Michigan and Ohio State. Don’t worry though, Sconny will blow you out at home to end the year.
Top 5 Top 5
After thinking about this for the better half of 5 minutes today on my drive to work, here’s who I got:
1: Alabama 2: Oklahoma 3: LSU 4: georgia 5: Clemson
Save the SEC bias chants for Bill C. (gone but not forgotten). Tell me who would consistently beat those teams in a best of 5 series, let alone a one time shot. Until a usurper announces themselves, bow to the SEC West and Lincoln Riley.
Kenny Trill Heisman of the Week
Sincere McCormick - RB UTSA.
ALL-NAME KTHotW. 22 carries for 189 yards and someone I absolutely did not account for when making my picks last week. Come collect your trophy sir, you’ve sure earned it.
The More You Know
I was in my feelings tonight after waiting like 45 minutes for my firmware to update on my laptop (I really loathe all technology I’ve come to find out), I found this gem. It really isn’t an informative segment this week, it’s just to remind you of the tiny joys in life. Because when you look back on your life, you won’t wish to have spent more time at work. You will have wished for more time with loved ones, and more time laughing at the sheer absurdity we get to witness for 4+ nights a week. It’s college football, and it’s the [Foreigner]ing best.
That makes me so happy on the inside, you cannot physically fathom it. Oh, Happy Hate Week Everyone! He’s the coach of our one true SECe Rival now!
Tin Horn Team of the Week
I looked through this box score and was just so confused as to what went wrong for UCLA. They almost got 50 burger’d by OREGON STATE. They didn’t commit any turnovers, won the penalty battle, didn’t give up a fluke special teams touchdown (or two cough cough 2018 Team I Care For). They just got pummeled. By Oregon State... Yea, just cancel the season.
New Segment: That’s So Raven
where you gaze into the future and see what ideas I’ve got cooked up for next week.
Segment 1 - “So you wanna watch the G5?” Midseason recap
Segment 2 - The Part in the Bucket List where they do the first thing on their list. I’m headed to Death Valley this weekend, and will report back on the treasures I find. There’s a non-zero % chance I don’t come back and just tell my wife to pack the car and find me.
Segment 3 - I’ll pick something from the ideas y’all generate below. It could be my long forms thoughts on a topic of your choosing. 500 words on the process of buying a home and how I don’t get housing markets. Or, simply, a treatise on the finer aspects of finding something satisfying in your life that nobody can take from you. Might store that one for a one-off column to be seen in the future actually. Idea-ate yourself below, and know that:
I see you, and I hear you.
As always, thanks for reading, and hopefully next week I’ll be bringing you all the column at its normal time, preferably on Monday, preferably in the morning. Just like the doctor ordered.