The Common Man’s approach to CFB, brought to you by the most normal person on any team.
So, through 9 weeks of the regular season (yikes), it’s time to get a little vindictive. Was I out of pocket for most of Saturday’s action? Did I fall asleep during halftime of the LSU game for a great power nap, watch 4 snaps coming out of halftime, then not see another down until the 3rd quarter of the Oregon game? Did I almost punch a youth at a concert on Saturday?
Doesn’t matter though. Because I consumed enough to know a thing or two about college football as we know it.
- I was going to go about 3000 words on how this season was a much more clear picture than the media would lead you to believe.
- But, as often happens in the confines of my mind, I got spun off on a tangent, and just had to run it down until none of y’all knew what I was talking about anymore.
- Let’s call it “Your Guide to College Football From Hereonout”. Yes, one word.
Your Guide to College Football From Hereonout
This season has reached the point where you pretty much know who’s who. The frauds have mostly been snuffed out. Think of that part of in The Dark Knight where Batman just goes around punching fat guys in hockey pads while also dodging the actual bad guys.
We’re going to assign some characters to this classic scene.
Russian guy: Alabama. Definitely scared of Batman, knows the damage he can cause. Has a backup plan since things aren’t going the way they thought this deal would go down. No Tua? Fine, we have a mauling squad of
attack dogs 300 pound Defensive Lineman to make sure things go the way we want them to. The drugs? Oh, that’s the high power offense they’ve decided to start running as their way to earn a living in these college football streets. Guess that makes Scarecrow Oklahoma...
Scarecrow: Oklahoma. Thrives off the fear of others. Nobody wants to be 2017 Pitt vs Oklahoma (State). Sick burn, we play Pitt this week. Oklahoma is pretty feared by everyone at this point, only problem? When their one trick doesn’t work, they can’t really do [Steely Dan]. Chris Klieman nods in the distance, still secretly wearing Green and Yellow sitting in the other Gotham Cit- I mean Manhattan. [sidenote: so happy to have stumbled into running that metaphor full circle completely unintentionally] Quote from this scene that definitely makes Scarecrow Oklahoma? “I said this drug would take you places... I never said they’d be places you wanted to go.” As in: Up against the #1 team in the country potentially with a backup QB.
44 seconds in, and the sheer mention of Batman causes Alabama’s metaphorical defense to shudder and bark. More on this to come.
ENTER ALL THE FAT BATMANS.
Texas, (presumably) Baylor, rest of Big 12 most likely - Fat Batman that gets face-blasted by Oklahoma with the fear spray. Never mind that was actually a close game because Hurts couldn’t hold on the ball.
Texas A&M - the Russian guy’s henchman that gets mauled by Bama’s defense. Assume that guy also represents every other game on Bama’s schedule except LSU. I don’t know where they fit in this metaphor. Let’s just assume the 18 dogs mascots in the SEC are Bama’s pack of dogs, cus that’s funny and fitting.
Michigan (yea it’s gonna happen), Notre Dame (by extension), Wisconsin, Minnesota (lol if they win the West), georgia - The Fat Batman at 1:50 that gets his gun bent in half by Batman. I think you’re starting to see where I’m going with this entirely unnecessary play-by-play. They want to be Batman so bad... but just can’t pull it off.
Penn State is the Fat Batman getting mauled by the 4 dogs in what I imagine the Gator Bowl will look like come New Year’s.
For a moment, let’s switch who the Scarecrow is and say they’re Bama now. 2:25 in. Scarecrow thinks he’s stands a shot at getting away from the Batman’s. Speeding down the ramp hoping to get out of this encounter. Then, BAM.
This exact moment? It’s happened before, and will happen again. Scarecrow has known all along that this is how this would end. It couldn’t happen any other way. College Football’s Van Smash?
Ohio State might be the Batman... it makes me feel gross on the inside, but at the same time incredibly happy that Justin Fields has a distinct shot at winning it all.
Since you’re all my captive until you click the red X at the top right, let’s keep going.
Oregon - Fat Batman. Wants to be Ohio State so bad. Manball, but 3 hours behind.
LSU - Heath Ledger’s Joker seems apt. A perfect adversary for the Batman. Also, riding the line between being absolutely insane and incredibly charming.
Michigan - Fat Batman, but also Robin? Little Brother / sidekick joke.
Clemson - guess that’s Bane. After literally breaking Batman’s will to live in the past, Batman finally gets the upper hand on Bane. Is just stunting all over him. In this scenario, the fight here is the Natty this year. Batman goes into the 2020 season just dancing on everybody’s graves.
And last but not least Talia Al-Ghul. You bet your sweet ass that’s Rutgers next year. They’re a citizen of Gotham after all... They’re playing the longest con. And if Greg Schiano gets hired by Rutgers??? It’ll just be too perfect to not happen.
Now, on to other segments now that I’ve got all of that out of my system.
By request of those on staff, in lieu of segments “Teams Also Receiving Votes that Should Definitely be Ranked”, “Prop Bet of the Week”, and the Techometer, we have the following:
If you haven’t, go listen to the first two installments of Podcast Ain’t Played Nobody’s Silly Season conversations. They discuss the current landscape of the Coaching Carousel as it begins in earnest. There’s a couple jobs out there being talked about as coming open, and here’s my thoughts on each of their situations.
Tennessee - Jeremy Pruitt lasts into the 2020 season*
Pruitt started off the year in just about the worst footing imaginable. I co-authored a piece about him that has yet to come out because he started fielding a football team rather than a squad of Greyshirts (@jakegrant98 turns over in his history book). With wins against Mississippi State and South Carolina in back to back weeks, things are trending up in Knoxville, and Jeremy is safe. * - unless he loses to Vanderbilt, then all bets are off. It’d be the first time they’ve lost 4 in a row to Vandy since 1924. Sidenote, did y’all know Vandy had the same coach from 1904-1934. Holy crap... Thanks Winsipedia.com
Florida State - Willie Taggart stays on through the 2020 season.
That’s right. Through. They don’t have the money in my mind to get rid of Taggart, who knew he was walking in to a non-existent OL situation. You can’t grow ACC caliber (does that even carry any significance anymore?) offensive line in one recruiting class. The facilities were part of the reason Jimbo got dissatisfied in Tallahassee if I recall correctly. Guess what? Those don’t get erected overnight either. If you want to pony up money to get rid of a guy before he’s even completed 2 recruiting cycles, you better pony up the cash to upgrade the situation the next guy will be walking into beforehand. Also, at this point, you’ve been lapped by Clemson. Accept it, it isn’t 2013 anymore. You got fat and happy and then got rolled down that hill in their stadium straight to the slaughter. Be content to back in the Orange Bowl at best. Bowden isn’t walking through the door, and you missed the renewal deadline for the Playoff Country Club. Come hang out at the public pool with the rest of us and watch for floaters.
Arkansas - Chad Morris. Honestly, probably gone
The only way he saves face is if he wins two SEC games. You can’t go 0’fer in your first two seasons in SEC play. Bet you wish you hadn’t fired Bert huh? 2011 was a long time ago my friend.
USC - Clay Helton. Not fired?
In the least likely of outcomes, Helton wasn’t fired in the first 5 weeks of the season, where there were honest debates in the preseason as to whether or not they might start 0-5. He’s safe for now, but I wouldn’t count on 2020 being the year they truly get their act right either.
Ole Miss - Matt Luke - gone whenever his contract ends. He was never meant to be more than a stopgap. Sorry, but that’s what it was. Cool coordinator hires in thought, but it just wasn’t going to work out.
BYU - Kalani Sitake definitely won’t be fired this year. There were rumblings preseason about his job security as well. But with the various off-the-field things that go into being the football coach in Provo, I don’t see them moving on from Sitake after back to back road statement wins in 2018/19.
Boston College - When your guys aren’t being dudes enough to satisfy Chesnut Hill, you know you’re not doing things right. After a lifetime of going either 5-7 or 7-5 it seemed, Addazio’s steam might be running out.
Right now, my money is on Morris being the next one gone.
Kenny Trill Heisman of the Week (KTHotW):
The award for college football’s superb performance of the week this week, and who definitely will not be going to New York for the second-most important event on the same day as Army-Navy is:
Man, I really wanted to give it to Jauan Jennings for his domination of the Gamecocks. He was on the end of seemingly every ball that either Tennessee QB threw. His 7 catches for 174 yards was upstaged though.
5 catches for 211 yards and 2 touchdowns. That’s 42.2 ypc... Marquez Stevenson, Houston
Other Honorable Mention is CJ Verdell of Oregon. 23 carries for 257 against Wazzu. Maybe next week.
Also by request, since it’s time for whatever PC name they’ve come up with for the Cocktail Party, here’s my two cents on uga-florida.
The Saint Simons party makes absolutely no damn sense. YOU’RE 80 MILES FROM EVERBANK STADIUM. That’s like driving to Clemson to tailgate for a uga game. IT’S CLOSER FROM CLEMSON TO ATHENS THAN IT IS FROM ST SIMONS TO JACKSONVILLE. Y’all are a bunch of people looking to throw money away in the name of “being a good fan” of a school more than half of y’all didn’t damn go to. Don’t tell me any nonsense about it being a tradition. If your traditions involve tailgating an hour and a half from the stadium, you’re a sucker.
(Eaux)de to the O
Guess who’s #1? Not just in my heart.
Oh, since we didn’t get a column out last week after our punter pulled another trick play in a win against Miami (don’t let the bodyslam distract you from the fact Rodwell got the first down):
Miss you buddy.
As always, thanks for reading, and hopefully next week I’ll be bringing you all the column at its normal time, preferably on Monday, preferably in the morning. Just like the doctor ordered.