GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. WE TRUST YOUR BODIES ARE NOW FULLY REACCLIMATED TO THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL TIME AFTER INGESTING 243.67 HOURS OVER IT THIS PAST EARTH WEEK. WE BRING YOU GOOD TIDINGS, AS THE CONTEST YOUR KIND REFERS TO AS THE “ASS CLASSIC” RETURNS. ADDITIONALLY, ALL BUT ONE CONTEST OCCURS ON THIS SATURN’S DAY, SO YOU MAY VIEW THEM ALL AT ONCE ON YOUR ICOSOVISION. IF YOU DO NOT YET POSSESS AN ICOSOVISION, CONTACT YOUR PRELATE SO YOU MAY BE IMPLANTED WITH ONE.
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-3.5) @ South Florida Bulls
The Yellow Jackets easily dispatched their FCS opponent last week and travel south to face a fellow adidas-wearer in Tampa. If I were one of the Shutdown Fullcast crew, this is where I’d have a joke or twelve about life in Tampa, but my arsenal of Tampa jokes is pretty empty. I mean, I went to Tampa a couple times, and they were fine. Especially the last time! Georgia Tech was playing a game there, and — [is subdued by the NCAA’s secret police]
Illuminati pick: Georgia Tech
#16 TCU Horned Frogs (-22.5) @ SMU Mustangs
SMU traveled half an hour north to Denton last week and took a pretty bad licking. Can they hope to fare better when the other DFW team heads to Dallas to contest the Iron Skillet? Well, no. Not at all. There’s really no universe where TCU isn’t a better team than UNT. But all these losses should toughen the Mustangs up should they ever face the weakest of all Dallas-Fort Worth football teams: the Dallas Cowboys.
Illuminati pick: TCU
#3 Georgia Bulldogs (-10) @ #24 South Carolina Gamecocks
On playing Georgia early, Steve Spurrier once famously quipped, “I sort of always liked playing them that second game because you could always count on them having two or three key players suspended.” But Kirby Smart isn’t big on suspending players, and the only one I could find for this year’s edition is just half a game for targeting. Spurrier must be rolling over in his grave right now. He’s not actually dead, he’s just starring in Dos Equis ads now, for some reason.
Illuminati pick: Georgia
Colorado Buffaloes @ Nebraska Cornhuskers (-4)
In the ever changing college football landscape which we live, it’s good to see two former conference rivals renew old hostilities. Time, money, and Texas have driven Colorado and Nebraska from the Big 8/12 to their own conferences, but these two will finally meet again for the first time since then. Oh, and it’s Scott Frost’s first game at Nebraska! For real this time, unless this one gets canceled too. Thunderstorms, earthquakes, a sinkhole opening up and swallowing Memorial Stadium — all of this is theoretically possible, especially if it turns out Lincoln actually exists in the Upside-Down.
Illuminati pick: Nebraska
Iowa State Cyclones @ Iowa Hawkeyes (-3.5)
OHHHHHH YOU’RE DAMN RIGHT IT’S TIME FOR EL ASSICO, COLLEGE FOOTBALL’S PREMIER WEEK TWO RIVALRY! Some people will tell you this is actually called the “Cy-Hawk Series” and it’s played for the “Cy-Hawk Trophy”, which is both a stupid name and a lie told to you by the shadowy cabal of Iowa corn growers. What also isn’t true is that this game sucks — au contraire, it actually tends to be kind of awesome! Last year’s game featured a 31 point fourth quarter and went to overtime, where Iowa finally prevailed, 44-41. Yes, in a game where one team was coached by Kirk Firentz. I’m just as surprised as you! This game kicks off at 5 for some reason, but that means when the later games are starting you can watch another thrilling Assico finish while you — hey, put that corn down.
Illuminati pick: Iowa State
#2 Clemson Tigers (-12) @ Texas A&M Aggies
Where did it all go wrong for you, Jimbo Fisher? You left Florida State for weirder pastures in College Station, thinking you were free of Clemson forever — but, oh, what cruel fates have brought you into contact once more! But that’s okay, because you have all that talent in central Texas, and don’t forget that huge contract! And most importantly, once it’s over, you’ll have the hardest game on your schedule out of the way already. Yep. The hardest one. Nothing harder on the schedule than #2.
Illuminati pick: Clemson
Kentucky Wildcats @ #25 Florida Gators (-14)
Oh god, it’s Kentucky-Florida time again. The Wildcats came as close to ending Florida’s massive winning streak as one possibly could last year, holding the Gators dead to rights with a two score lead and less than twelve minutes remaining. Then they forgot to field a full defense. So the streak now stands at 31. But could it be, maybe, that last year was a turning point for Kentucky? Could that perhaps been the spark they needed to put an end to it once and for all?
Hell nah, Dan Mullen’s leading the ship in Gainesville now. Let’s see this thing hit 40.
Illuminati pick: Kentucky
#13 Penn State Nittany Lions (-9) @ Pittsburgh Panthers
After beating Pitt last year, James Franklin likened the win to beating Akron, while calling Pitt’s victory the previous year their Super Bowl. If that rationalization helps you sleep better at night or if it’s just some trash talk to rile up fans and recruits, that’s fine, man. It still doesn’t change the fact you lost to Pitt two years ago as big favorites. But there’s nothing wrong with that! Reaching up and popping giants in the mouth is kind of Pitt’s thing! They also beat Clemson that year — who, I remind you, went on to win the national championship — and last year they defeated Miami in the final week of the regular season in that year’s most hilarious college football result, or at least for humans. And of course, 13-9 lives forever. So say whatever you want, James Franklin. Because we know, deep down, you’re terrified.
Illuminati pick: Pitt
#17 USC Trojans @ #10 Stanford Cardinal (-5)
Oh yeah, some sweet, sweet, early season Pac-12 action, and it kicks off at 8:30, so us east coast elites will have to find some other excuse not to watch this one. But why wouldn’t you want to watch? USC’s JT Daniel has paused their long line of all-American looking quarterbacks, but he’s still playing well, assisted by Aca’Cedric Ware and Vavae Malepeai, two dudes whose names you definitely couldn’t spell correctly on the first try. Stanford no longer has Christian McCaffrey to do everything, but Bryce Love and JJ Arcega-Whiteside are back, and their kicker’s name is (I swear I’m not makng this up) Jet Toner. Actually, this game might be too fun. We must hide it from the world.
Illuminati pick: Stanford
#15 Michigan State Spartans (-6) @ Arizona State Sun Devils
Welcome to #Pac12afterdark, Herm Edwards! It’s a strange, where time seems to move differently, rules simultaneously do and don’t exist, and words take on new meanings. Then again, given how strangely things began for you in in Tempe, maybe you’ll fit in just fine. Or maybe all the weirdness will cancel each other out. A boring Pac-12 game going on at 12:30am eastern? Please, let it not be so.
Illuminati pick: Michigan State
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