GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. AS WE CONTINUE FURTHER DOWN TIME’S ONWARD MARCH, SOME OF YOU MAY HAVE ALREADY BEGUN TO EXPERIENCE A NEW AGE OF ANXIETY DUE TO THE CHAOTIC AND UNCERTAIN NATURE OF THE FOOTBALL GAME. THOUGH ITS TRUE COURSE MAY SEEM UNCLEAR TO YOU, TRUST THAT OUR HAND IS GUIDING IT ALL. THE UPCOMING RESULTS SHOULD MAKE EVERYTHING MORE APPARENT TO YOU IN...... DUE TIME.
#3 Clemson Tigers (-16.5) @ Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
Oh, heavens, it’s Clemson week already? I was hoping that might have been pushed off to never. But since we’re here, I guess we should talk about, I dunno, maybe their defensive line? The most terrifying unit in college football, stocked with enough beef to supply a Wendy’s for an entire year? Are you excited to run at that wall sixty times? I know I am!
Illuminati pick: Clemson
Florida Atlantic Owls @ #16 Central Florida Knights (-13.5)
It’s a champion vs. champion fight, and we didn’t even have to wait until Survivor Series! That whistle you’re hearing in Orlando isn’t the Hogwarts Express at Universal Studios; it’s the LANE TRAIN pulling in for a quick stop before the Owls begin conference play. The two have only met once before: in 2003, when Howard Schnellenberger himself was coaching an infant FAU program. Now, led by an even more legendary coach, the Owls are looking to establish Sunshine State dominance.
Illuminati Pick: FAU
#22 Texas A&M Aggies @ #1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-26)
Hey, remember that one time when Texas A&M beat Alabama? Feels like a million years ago, doesn’t it? The Aggies were led by one crazy talented quarterback — Johnny Baseball? Johnny Soccer? I think he may have won a Heisman. What ever happened to that guy, anyway? Did he go out partying, Slurms MacKenzie style? Anyway, Alabama has won every single game since that one — some close, but most not — and they’re just as good as they always are. You got this, Jimbo Fisher. I believe in you.
Illuminati pick: Texas A&M
Florida International Panthers @ #21 Miami Hurricanes (-26.5)
There are two things you need to know about FIU and Miami:
- The schools are less than ten miles apart.
- In their first ever meeting in 2006, they got involved in one hell of a brawl.
If you’ve never seen that brawl, it’s something. College football hasn’t seen anything like it since, though BYU has certainly tried. It ultimately ended both head coaches’ tenures at their respective schools and could be seen as the unofficial end of the resurgence the Hurricanes had enjoyed in the 00s. Let’s hope this game is more like the uneventful follow-up in 2007 than the first, yeah?
Illuminati pick: FIU
Northern Illinois Huskies @ Florida State Seminoles (-10)
It’s a rematch for the ages, as the 2013 Orange Bowl opponents finally meet for the first time since that New Year’s Day. And if that matchup — featuring MAC champion and BCS buster NIU vs. resurgent FSU — was good, this one has to be even better, right? I mean, Jimbo Fisher has to have led the Noles to at least two national championships by now. And Dave Doeren, he’s gotta be the toast of the MAC, winning championships left and right. That is what happened, right?
*takes off VirtuNole Reality headset*
Oh my god. It’s even worse than I could have imagined.
Illuminati pick: FSU
Connecticut Huskies @ Syracuse Orange (-27.5)
Aw yes, nothing like an old Big East rivalry game to start off basketball season. Hey, remember when these guys needed six overtimes to determine winner? An instant classic, that one was. Who isn’t excited to see these old conference foes clash once again?
I’m sorry, what? This is a football game, and the old Big East is dead? Oh, wow. UConn football. That’s, uh, that’s not great.
Illuminati pick: UConn
#17 TCU Horned Frogs (-3) @ Texas Longhorns
The biggest team in Texas finds itself at a crossroads as it heads to Austin to open up Big 12 play. The Horned Frogs are still smarting after getting walloped by an Ohio State team that wasn’t even coached by Urban Meyer. The Longhorns finally gave USC a loss the Trojans can’t pretend away. Is that enough to help them forget they lost to Maryland again? Sure, beating USC can allow you to ignore a lot of bad things (trust me on this one). Is it enough to beat TCU for the first time since [checks notes] 2013? Ehhhhhhh.
Illuminati pick: TCU
Florida Gators (-4.5) @ Tennessee Volunteers
In 2016, Tennessee beat Florida to end an 11 year streak the Gators were holding over the Vols. So in 2017, Florida began a new streak in the most hilarious way possible. I don’t remember anything else that happened in this game, and neither do you. And neither do either of the head coaches involved in this game, because they’re both gone! This game is going to be dumb, like always, and may or may not be worth your time to find out just how dumb it gets.
Illuminati pick: Florida
#7 Stanford Cardinal (-1.5) @ #20 Oregon Ducks
Any trip to Oregon has to be pretty fun, but you know who probably has a lot of fun when traveling to Oregon? Stanford’s band. The beer is some of the best in the country, certain substances are legal there that aren’t in other states, and they probably have a real fun time telling the Ducks they’re #1 while forming the letters “D1CKS” on the field. I don’t know that Stanford’s band has ever done that last one before, but I would not be surprised at all if you told me they have.
Illuminati pick: Stanford
#18 Wisconsin Badgers (-3) @ Iowa Hawkeyes
Is the battle for the Heartland Trophy the biggest one of the weekend? It is the preeminent rivalry of the Big Ten West, after all. And this game has decided the division winner since the conference realigned in 2014. Ladies and gentlemen, I posit to you there is no college football rivalry more important, more essential, than Wisconsin-Iowa. Watch this game — your life and the college football universe depend upon it.
Illuminati pick: Wisconsin
(if you’re having trouble viewing the form on mobile, click here to view it directly)