GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. BY NOW YOU ALL ARE ACUTELY AWARE OF THE TEMPESTS THAT SHALL BE UPON YOU IMMINENTLY. DO NOT REMAIN IN PLACE EXPECTING OUR PROTECTION. THE PLANET HAS DECIDED WHERE IT WILL STRIKE, AND YOUR STRUCTURES ARE UNLIKELY TO ESCAPE ITS WRATH UNSCATHED. RETREAT TO SAFER GROUNDS TO ENSURE YOUR SAFETY, AS YOUR SURVIVAL IS IMPORTANT - WITHOUT IT, YOU CANNOT SUBMIT YOUR PICKS, AND YOUR FULL USE TO US CANNOT BE REALIZED. WE TRUST YOU WILL MAKE THE CORRECT DECISIONS, AND THAT YOU ALL WILL RECEIVE US AGAIN IN ONE WEEK’S TIME.
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-4.5) @ Pittsburgh Panthers
Pitt’s coming off a really rough week, having just been trounced by Penn State 51-6 in their own home. That’s a soul-searching loss for some, a lock-yourself-in-your-office-and-don’t-leave loss for others. Specifically, Pitt tight end coach Tim Salem, who indeed did just that. Buried in all of that is the fact he prefers his soda completely flat, and between him, Spilly, and the fact the world’s most vile condiment was invented there, I seriously have to question just what the hell, culinarily speaking, is going on in the Steel City. The good news for Salem is he get’s Georgia Tech’s defense this weekend, so maybe after Saturday he might actually, you know, go back home.
Illuminati pick: Pitt
Rutgers Scarlet Knights @ Kansas Jayhawks (-2.5)
A sense of creeping horror falls over you. You look at the schedule again just to be sure. “No,” you say to yourself, “it can’t be true.” But it is. Oh, yes, it is. It’s Kansas-Rutgers. The game foretold in the Book of Revelation. The world survived their previous meeting in 2015, but this time, it may be too much. Hold your loved ones close and tell them how much you love them. This may be the last college football game....... ever.
Illuminati pick: Rutgers
Hawaii Rainbow Warriors @ Army Black Knights (-6.5)
Hawaii-Army is low-key kind of interesting. The Warriors dropped 59 on Navy a couple weeks back, and this week get to travel five time zones and six hours ahead to play Navy’s less marine-bound cousins. At noon, eastern time. That jet lag is going suck majorly, but if Hawaii can get the win and start 4-0, they 1) have a very good shot of stretching that to 6-0, and 2) will lead the nation in the mysterious but extremely important “body clock” metric.
Illuminati pick: Hawaii
Houston Cougars (-1) @ Texas Tech Red Raiders
The Big XII is still to scared to invite Houston into conference, so the Cougars are content to schedule their teams as often as possible so they can beat them up. Okay, sure, they lost to the Raiders last year, but it was just by a field goal, and Major Applewhite was just getting started. The Cougars just laid an ass-whipping on Arizona, who I will remind you was recently of Texas A&M, so that’s basically like them beating another Big XII team. If they can score a win in Lubbock, they’ll be looking for an even bigger, badder program to challenge. So you better watch out, Kansas State.
Illuminait pick: Houston
#1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-21) @ Ole Miss Rebels
Y’all all remember when Ole Miss was about to win three straight games against Alabama, ending the Crimson Tide dynasty forever? It feels like a million years ago, but it was actually just two! In the final minutes of the first half of the 2016 game, the Rebels led the Tide 24-3. They have since been outscored 111-22. And then I think their coach got in trouble for something, it was kind of a big deal? Anyway, let’s see if Ole Miss can score more than three points this time. It’ll be fun! Except for Matt Luke. And Nick Saban, who does not understand the concept of “fun”.
Illuminati pick: Alabama
#10 Washington Huskies (-6.5) @ Utah Utes
#Pac12AferDark is coming to Salt Lake City, and yes, I too thought it was illegal in the state of Utah. Somehow when outlawing everything else fun, their lawmakers missed that and skiing. Anyway, Washington pretty much has to run the table the rest of the way if they want to have any hope of reaching the playoff, but first they’ll have to make it out of Rice-Eccles Stadium, where many a playoff dream has died, alive. “What about Utah?” you ask? They just beat NIU 17-6. What about Utah?
Illuminati pick: Washington
#12 LSU Tigers @ #17 Auburn Tigers (-10.5)
Can you believe it was just two years ago college football’s biggest tiger fight was also a meeting to see which coach would get fired? Gus Malzahn survived that one and went on to beat both of last year’s title game participants. (Where was Auburn for that? ....don’t ask.) LSU got Ed Orgeron, who was fine last year, really, as long as you forget they lost to Troy. Anyway, two years removed from playing a You’re Fired Bowl, the two Tigers now meet in the SEC West Runner-Up Bowl*. It’ll be fun and awesome, and ultimately not matter at all, because, again, Alabama.
*Or maybe Auburn loses and beats Bama for the division title anyway, but when has that ever happened?
Illuminati pick: LSU
#17 Boise State Broncos @ #24 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-2.5)
Most people don’t know, but a little over a decade ago Boise met Oklahoma on the gridiron and delivered a pretty surprising upset in their only meeting so far. The Broncos are also undefeated against fellow wind-swept plain state program Tulsa. That just leaves the Cowboys remaining on their conquest list. Win, and Idaho gets to legally annex all of Oklahoma. Lose, and OSU is now the best football program in the state. Look, those are the rules, I don’t make them up.
Illuminati pick: Boise State
#4 Ohio State Buckeyes (-13.5) @ #15 TCU Horned Frogs
The last time Ohio State played a Big XII, people ended up getting really mad about flags. The bad news for the Buckeyes is I’m pretty sure no one loves flags more than Texans do. The good news is the last couple times they headed to DFW things turned out pretty well for them. Oh yeah, and don’t forget they made the playoff a few years ago at TCU’s expense. How long y’all think the Frogs have had this one circled?
Illuminati pick: TCU
#22 USC Trojans @ Texas Longhorns (-3.5)
We don’t need to talk about the past here. It’s all about the 2005 championship game, one of the best of all time, and last year’s long awaited rematch, which saw the Trojans get their revenge in an overtime thriller. They’re back in Austin for the first time in over fifty years looking to take the series and remain unbeaten against the Longhorns. Wait, unbeaten? Yeah, so it turns out since USC had to vacate their 2005 season, they conveniently ignore that title game loss in their official records. That’s, uh, that’s not how it works, y’all. The sting of loss stays with you forever.
Illuminati pick: USC
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