The Common Man’s approach to CFB, brought to you by the most normal person on any team.
So, none of y’all done told me to change, so you’re stuck with what you got. Hope it tastes good and doesn’t under any circumstances put forward any sort of personal opinion about the team.
Let’s hit it.
- I want the graphics and photoshopment skills that our literal sisters at Good Bull Hunting have. Bask in it’s glory, complain to people more important than me until they throw us some nerd-power.
- I missed almost all of the college football this weekend, and for that, I apologize. That being said, I won’t be watching any this coming weekend either.
- If you found yourself in the same situation I did, read this to get all you need to know.
- We’re winning our game this weekend. Put it in the bank, throw it on the counter, and give the teller the biggest [Styx] eating grin your gap-tooth smile can muster, and deposit a win into your account, guilt-free, tax-free, commission-free. Write me a thank you note, I expect my literal mailbox to be full come next Tuesday morning.
- Matt Patricia looks like a pizza maker. Am I watching MNF right now to have white noise and just cannot get that image out of my head? You betcha.
Things I Think I Know
- There’s a 36% chance that this is the year that forces a playoff expansion in 5 years. There are like 2-3 teams that look really freaking good, and if it isn’t somebody from the AAC, then it’ll be Boise. They’ve got a huge test this weekend @ Mike Gundy, I for one am rooting for a fiery death to the 4-team playoff. EDIT: I forgot Houston obliterated Sumlin. I was secretly rooting for them, despite the whole, “I ain’t come here to run the option” mess, I was intrigued. Sumlin has officially lost my fancy after 120 minutes of football. (I haven’t even watch 1 minute of them play this year).
- After being lightning in a bottle in Week 1 against Northwestern, Purdue went and lost to Eastern Michigan. Somewhere @SBN_BillC is smiling over the fact that EMU won a close game. They had some sort of preposterous streak of losing one possession games that makes ours look like a mere hobby.
- We get a 3:30 game!
#GaTech's last home game in the 3:30p time slot was September 10, 2016 against Mercer. Last time against FBS competition was October 3, 2015 against UNC. Have only had 3 home games in the time slot since the start of the 2014 season.— Joey Weaver (@FTRSJoey) September 10, 2018
(put these words on your lips and you better credit Joey. Randy here will, ya know:)
Top 5 Top 5
[I don’t know why all these gifs are so small, it isn’t my fault, the gifs are undisciplined, and didn’t do what they were coached]
Rankings this week are based on what I want on my football screen since I can’t watch this weekend, based solely on what we’ve seen thusfar in the season. Comment below your (somewhat reasonable) Top 5 (weird 5 team playoff bracket) below, and if it doesn’t include Bama, you’re lying to yourself. Saban has somehow made a Top 5 offense, and you can’t help you find some sort of sick pleasure in watching it.
- Bama (they get a bye)
- Boise State
- The Ole Miss Points Machine
- The Oklahoma Points Machine
- The Georgia Tech Rushing Steamrollers
In this week of football, Tech plays Boise in the Bahamas, and Ole Miss plays Oklahoma in Idaho’s stadium. Except the whole crowd (side thought: why are sporting event’s spectators called crowds, but everything else has an audience?) is bands from HBCU’s. There’s a rabbit hole you never knew you wanted to go down. It’d be loud as hell, there’d be 240 points scored, and they’d play high school style a la no commercials. This game still lasts 3.5 hours.
The winner of the single most excited game in CFB history (you decide which one that is) gets to lose to Bama, where Saban pulls a Beyong-son and Tua throws while sitting on the shoulders of Jalen Hurts, except he’s not the least bit impaired by another grown man sitting on his shoulders.
Bama then finishes first without playing a championship game, the other team accepts coming in second.
Does Tech need a Tee [Boston]?
I didn’t watch the game, but I’m assuming we didn’t have one because he would’ve had two tackles on the day.
Kenny Trill Heisman of the Week
Last week, ESPN lied to us. They must be running some kind of faux-journalism operation over there that has nowhere near the class that we have here at FTRS. Roderic Teamer Jr didn’t have 8 sacks, surprise surprise. So he’s been stripped of his title. My condolences sir.
As much as I’ve heard this kid’s name, I don’t want to give him the award, but I don’t make the rules, I just write them down.
KTHotW Week 2 winner:
KJ Carta-Samuels - QB - CSU
Tin Horn Team of the Week
Savannah State - who gave up 77 points to Miami this past weekend. They’ve had better days, and I’m pretty sure they’re facing some funding issues as well. It’s not a great situation, and they should probably look to drop down at least 1 division. 77 points this week, 52 against UAB last week. Things aren’t great in Savannah, despite whatever that candyman on River Street might tell you.
(Eaux)de to the O update of the week
SHUTOUT SEASONIN’ BAYBE
It was Southeastern Louisiana, and I do not care in the slightest. They were mini-Auburn, go tigahs.
The More You Know
follow up from the spacing article last week.
Prop Bet of the Week
I’ve got a feeling without getting injured, we would’ve hit the Over, but alas, we didn’t.
This week, let’s hammer down optimism and say triple the spread. We’ll go classic ATS with Georgia Tech (-10.5). Actually, make it an even -14.5 because deep down, I really hate putting myself in these situations when it comes to Tech. Place your vote. Be on the right side of history. TECH WITH THE COVER.
weekly check to see if the fire emojis work for Chorus: [if you see nothing, it’s not my fault.]
And Crees sighed
Hey y’all. I’m back for a second appearance on this here internet site this week because Stephen invited me to resurrect the “And Crees Sighed” segment because he respects me as a friend and writer (read: he’s lazy and doesn’t want to write his own article). Now, I was going to rant about the USF game, but then I got to thinking: Wait a minute. I’ve been here before. I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor. (Click and listen while you read this for full effect - then go listen to this and marvel at how a little smart Canadian man can have such a soothing voice). I did some research (5 seconds of Googling) and found where I wrote a rant about losing a winnable game against a team from Florida in the waning minutes. Rust Cohle really had a point about time being a flat special teams showing, amirite?
Anyway, I read back through it (you should too #pageviews) and it is all still wildly relevant to our current state of affairs. I didn’t want to rehash everything I said there, so I thought instead I’d share the story of how I spent the final minutes of the USF game and afterwards. Please enjoy my pain and misery.
I was on my way to a wedding between two uga grads in the lovely town of Norcross, GA watching the game on my phone in the car when Qua fumbled. I then had to go inside the church to watch a beautiful celebration of love. Exiting the church, I was talking to one of only two other Tech grads at this wedding and our conversation went like this:
Him: “We lost to USF didn’t we?”
Him: “What was the score?”
Me: “Don’t care.”
We arrived at the reception and were doing our best to forget the pain of the day at the open bar (thank you Mr. and Mrs. [REDACTED], we’re so happy for you). We sat down at our dinner table, and were placed next to a couple who both went to uga and were streaming the game on their phone. Okay sure, if you’ll recall dear reader, I too have done this.
A few minutes later, all 150 people in this reception hall started screaming the “who’s that coming down the track” chant. My Tech buddy and I looked at each other and I swear he had the most forlorn look I’ve ever seen him wear. I’m sure l did too. It was like both of our souls vanished at that moment. He got up and left the room until it finished. I closed my eyes and finished my bourbon ( good stuff too. Again, so happy for y’all ). (Stephen: Crees said all this yesterday, we’ve run this horse out. Speaking of which, new Bojack just dropped. Consume.) I let out my most substantial sigh in years. My girlfriend rubbed my arm. It didn’t help.
Now, the lesson here is either 1.
don’t emotionally invest into Tech football (Stephen: do it anyway) or 2. don’t go to uga weddings (y’all are a great couple, your shared life will have so much joy). Given that I 1. Went to Tech and can’t stop and 2. Went to high school in Georgia, I unfortunately cannot pursue either option. You, my friends, will hopefully have better prospects. Please don’t go to uga weddings (your hospitality was wonderful, we’re so grateful to have been there).
That’s all we’ve got folks, PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE COMMENTS - GOOD VIBES ONLY. Variety is the spice of life, and my mind only takes me down like 3 avenues of thought daily. Two take me to that scene from Archer set up like Family Feud (NSFW). The other just loops through bites of a bacon-wrapped date and a glass of E.H. Taylor Small Batch sitting at Louvino in Louisville (real original name I know). Y’all are creative as Tech fans can be (except for 1 Disney employee I know, super secret shoutout, text me this gif if you read the article), and given a writing prompt, I can construct you a 700+ point SAT essay on the subject using the words ameliorate and insipid.
As always, thanks for reading, and hopefully next week I’ll be bringing you all the column at its normal time, preferably on Monday, preferably in the morning. Just like the doctor ordered.