Let’s try to forget USF.
Every college football team has their stereotypes, their “guys” if you will. We are no different. As we sit on the doorstep of the meat of the 2018 season, now is a great time to figure out which guy you’ll be this year. This is also a great study sheet for all the guys you’ll be seeing tailgating at various noon home games.
The Fire CPJ Guy
If you’re a vegan, do crossfit, and hate Paul Johnson, which do you tell people first at 1:45 on a Saturday while watching us not move the ball against Duke? I’m convinced that the contingency to fire CPJ isn’t actually all that large, it’s just loud. The people who want him out want him out yesterday, and they will talk your ear off all gameday telling you why. I get it. At a certain point, every fanbase needs the the “hate the coach” guy. Even LSU has a pretty sizable group of people who hate Coach O (we jus gon run dah ball down dah tackles n go home eat sum gumbos n sum toast bred go tiguhs). We have a little bit of a different situation though given how unique CPJ and his system is. USF didn’t exactly help this situation, and I have a feeling the Fire CPJ Guys will be a large faction this season.
The Fire CPJ Guy also plays a dangerous and conflicting game - I’ve met many who are willing to endure another 3-9 season just because it would likely force CPJ out. Some call that insanity, some call it dedication to your cause. It’s a philosophy that Bane would 1000% get behind.
You’d make a great Fire CPJ Guy if:
- You’ve always struggled with authority
- You hate Schoolhouse Rock and don’t think that 3 is a magic number
- You call it the “triple option”
The Blame the Defense Guy
Hopefully this is a dying breed with Woody (hhhhhhhhhhh I wrote this line before the USF game but decided to leave it in to show how stupid I can be), but the Blame the Defense Guy has been one of the more popular choices in recent years. He’s actually a great foil and antithesis for the Fire CPJ Guy because he’s often a huge stan for the offense. No matter what, it’s never the offense’s fault. Even when the offense isn’t playing well he will point out that a better defense will give the offense more opportunities. It will be interesting to observe the evolution of this guy as Woody settles in. Will he die out? Will he hang on to everything he believes in? Only time will tell if he stands the test of time.
You’d make a great Blame the Defense Guy if:
- You often ask to speak to the manager
- You hate your boss but you suck up to their boss, the director, at company events
- You have ever watched a college football game in which the Yellow Jackets from Georgia Tech were competing
The Just Here to Hate uga Guy
This guy is fun to be around. Let me set the scene for you. It’s halftime of the Clemson game; we’re down 50 points. You’re sitting in the stands, sweltering. You contemplate leaving, but you don’t because you’re a better fan than that. All of a sudden, a guy a couple rows in front of you yells “Missouri just scored to go up 2 on uga!”. Everyone in earshot cheers and this guy looks like he couldn’t be happier. He’d probably rather uga lose than Tech win. Does it matter than uga will go on to wham sauce the meat crew and win by 30? No, of course not. This guy loves nothing more than seeing uga fail and seeing uga fans squirm over it. He’s actually an inspiration to us all. The more dumb games we lose the more I become this guy. I was at a wedding this weekend where I was one of three Tech grads in a room of 150 uga people. By the end of the night and my thousandth time hearing about the dawwwuuugggs (who's that coming down the track has to be my least favorite thing on this beautiful but flawed planet), I was mind body and soul with this guy. God they’re the worst.
You’d make a great Just Here to Hate uga Guy if:
- You still hold a grudge against that fat kid that bullied you in 4th grade
- You think that Pusha T won his beef with Drake
- Tech football is already dead to you but you need something to live for
The Depressing and Self-Deprecating Guy
This guy is not fun to be around, but we all know one. We could be 4-0 coming off a historic win over Clemson and this dude will sulk around saying “well, this can’t last, I bet we’ll lose to Virginia”. The Self-Deprecating Guy has seen too many things and felt too many heartbreaks; he is the realist of the group. TRIGGER WARNING, I become this guy every time I see a bubble screen.
You’d make a great Depressing and Self-Deprecating Guy if:
- You find it hard to accept your personal victories
- You have any emotional attachment to Tech
- You emotionally distance yourself from the things you know will let you down and instead try to casually express your feelings through comedy but it never really works and you know you’ll end up succumbing to your feelings in the end as the castle crumbles around you and you spiral into a broken place of emotional oblivion. (Who? Me? Nooooooo)
The We Just Have to Settle Down and Play Our Game Guy
This guy is the physical manifestation of the dog sitting in a burning building meme. Everything can be crumbling around him and he’ll sit and say this phrase over and over to anyone who’ll listen. He’ll start walking home from a game in which we lose to Pitt on a last second field goal and quietly say to himself We can still pull this one out, we just have to play our game. His wife will politely stroke his arm and say Yes dear, of course. She doesn’t like Tech football, but she’s good to him. He also loves to say things like “We just need to finish games” or other such meaningless sentences.
You’d make a great WJHTSDAPOG Guy if:
- You think opening a restaurant would be a fun and easy activity
- You share memes on Facebook
- These kids and their Snapface are ruining this country
The Too Much Sauce Guy
We ain’t talkin’ money or marsala folks. This guy has brethren across all college campuses (except BYU I guess). Sauce can be nice; most people know how to have a good time with the sauce. I too enjoy some sauce from time to time, especially when the lads take the field. But as the poet of our era says, a man can get lost in the sauce. And that can be an unpleasant thing during September noon games when it’s a billion degrees. The Too Much Sauce Guy was having a real nice time at 11:15, but it’s 1:45 now and he lives in a different world. Always be careful with the sauce kids, no one wants to be this guy.
You’d make a great Too Much Sauce Guy if:
- You wake up at 7:00 on gamedays
- Your friends do not own Sharpies
- You don’t often find yourself near stairs
The I Played Football in High School Guy
This guy likes to think he knows what he’s talking about at all times. Has he put on a few pounds recently? Sure, but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a mediocre linebacker four years ago. He loves to over-explain things to you, especially by saying things like “see, you just can’t do that” after someone misses a tackle. Yeah Brad, I’m aware that not tackling is bad. A tell-tale sign of the I Played Football in High School Guy is calling it the “football game” instead of just “game”. It’s a classic amongst TV commentators because they think it sounds professional and intellectual, and Chad-who-got-4-tackles-in-his-city-rivalry-game-his-sophomore-year-even-though-he-tweaked-his-ankle buys into that philosophy. He l o v e s to play the Mike Golic “you never played the game” card every chance he gets.
You’d make a great I Played Football in High School Guy if:
- You played football in high school
- That’s it, no one else is allowed
The Call the Play Before the Snap Guy
This guy is a close cousin to the last one. This guy knows the offense and he loves shouting out what play is about to happen. He also will immediately tell you whether or not Quon should’ve pitched the ball (pls start pitching k? tysm). Usually this is quite annoying if you are anywhere near this guy, however it is fun when you hear someone scream ROCKET TOSSSSS.
You’d make a great Call the Play Before the Snap Guy if:
- When there’s a lull at a group dinner you like to test people’s trivia knowledge against your own
- You aren’t great with surprises
- You love the “interrupting cow” knock knock joke
Alright everyone pick a guy and let’s just get this [Devo] season over. If you need me I’ll be sitting in a dark room eating my feelings and ignoring my loved ones.