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GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. IT HAS BEEN SOME TIME SINCE WE LAST ADDRESSED YOU ALL DIRECTLY. OR SO WE ARE INFORMED; THE EBB AND FLOW OF TIME IS AS SIGNIFICANT TO US AS THE MOVEMENTS OF A PARAMECIUM. TO WHICH WE ALL TOO EASILY FIND YOUR KIND COMPARABLE TO, BUT WE DIGRESS.
THE WEEK OF HATRED IS UPON YOU. WE NOW PIT YOU AGAINST EACH OTHER, SUCH THAT SOME OF YOU WILL FIND SUPERIORITY OVER THE OTHERS OVER SUCH TRIVIAL EVENTS. SOME OF YOU WILL WILL THANK OR BLAME YOUR GODS. SOME OF YOU WILL THANK OR BLAME EVEN US. DO WHAT YOU WISH; WE ARE UNMOVED BY IT ALL.
OUR INTENTIONS WILL BE CLEARER THAN EVER FOLLOWING THIS WEEK. CHOOSE TO JOIN US; OR DO NOT, AND MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR DECISIONS.
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets @ #5 Georgia Bulldogs (-17)
Hiring Saban assistants hasn’t really worked out well for other SEC schools, so naturally, it’s worked out perfectly for Georgia. Kirby Smart has the state legislature in his pocket and a ticket to the SEC championship in his hand. What’s in his way? A triple option team? As if, man. It’s not like Tech is is a rival. It’s not like the Jackets have won consecutive games in Sanford Stadium. It’s not like Georgia fans whined about what happened after that until they got their way.
Georgia’s hedges are invasive weeds that are pruned bi-weekly to prevent overgrowth. People forget that.
Illuminati pick: Georgia Tech
Virginia Cavaliers (-3.5) @ Virginia Tech Hokies
Fifteen years is a long time. It’s more than half my life ago, and likely even more than half of some of yours. It’s also how much time has passed since Virginia last defeated Virginia Tech in football. 2003 is a long time ago, and after fourteen straight losses there’s a lot of pain built up on the Wahoos’ side of this rivalry. They’ve gotten close a few times, too — close enough to think they were catching up, only to get their doors blown off next year. But this year might be different. The Cavs came agonizingly close to their first ever division championship, while the Hokies look more lost than they’ve been in over 25 years. You might not get a chance this good again for a long while, Hoos. I’m just sayin’.
Illuminati pick: UVA
#9 UCF Knights (-14) @ South Florida Bulls
The War on I-4 is America’s biggest battle for a regionally important, intrastate-interstate highway. Last year, the Knights and Bulls had one wildly entertaining shootout in Orlando — in fact, it wasn’t just a good G5 game, it was one of the year’s best football games, period. McKenzie Milton and Quinton Flowers dazzled with just about everything on the, but eventually, only the Knights were left standing. A year later, and UCF still has yet to again taste the sting of defeat, while USF.... hoo boy. They started out hotter than just about anyone, then things went sideways real fast. 7-0 quickly turned into 7-4, and I’m not gonna tell y’all I all saw this coming, but I totally did. The Bulls can still make it a season if they scrape a result against the Knights, though. It’d also likely torpedo UCF’s New Year’s Six bowl hopes, costing the AAC thousands of dollars in bowl payouts, and would be the biggest troll move of the season.
Illuminati pick: UCF
#6 Oklahoma Sooners (-2) @ #13 West Virginia Mountaineers
This game is gonna have it all. Stakes? The winner goes to the Big 12 Championship. Points? It’s OU and WVU, there will be points and there will not be defense. Mountain men and covered wagons? Dude, I just told you it’s OU and WVU. There’s going to be a lot of fireworks, and we get to see one of these teams next week. Don’t even watch any other Big 12 games this week. Except for the BU-TT Bowl. Always watch the BU-TT Bowl.
By the way, what’s the other side of that matchup look like? Well, Texas is playing Kansas, so it’s probably the Horns. But if they lose their second straight in Lawrence? Well, if WVU beats OU, we get a rematch next week. Otherwise, the Kansas State-Iowa State game comes into play and that’s when things get weird. Let me know if you figure it out.
Illuminati pick: OU
#16 Washington Huskies @ #8 Washington State Cougars (-2.5)
A decade ago, the Apple Cup was played to determine a specific type of supremacy. This week it’ll instead decide who represents the North in the Pac-12 Championship. Those responsible for the Crapple Cup have since been sacked, and those responsible for sacking the people who were sacked have also been sacked. It’s been a long, slow climb out of the darkness for both the Huskies and the Cougars, with Washington cresting two years ago when they won the Pac-12 and made the College Football Playoff. Is it the Cougs’ time? Maybe. They’d need some help to make the playoff, but breaking the Huskies’ five year streak in the series would have their future looking pretty Rosy.
Illuminati pick: Wazzu
#4 Michigan Wolverines (-4) @ #10 Ohio State Buckeyes
Does anyone remember now that wayyyyy back at the beginning of the season Michigan lost to Notre Dame? They’re a combined 20-0 since then, so that seemed to work out well for both of them. You know what hasn’t worked out well for the Wolverines, though? Their rivalry matchup with Ohio State, which they’ve one exactly once since 2003. But the Wolverines have a stronger résumé than anyone else in the B1G. And this might be their best opportunity to pick off the Buckeyes since they were being interim coached in 2011. Ohio State needed OT to escape Maryland last week, and ol’ Urbs wasn’t looking too hot during the game. I’m sure Michigan would be more than happy to help push Meyer into retirment.
Illuminati pick: Michigan
Auburn Tigers @ #1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-24)
I don’t know that you could call watching Alabama football “fun” at any point this season. (Other than their game against Louisville.) No one’s come anywhere close to knocking off the Tide. The only team to score more than 30 against them lost by 34. Tua Tagovailoa has played, like, four total snaps in the fourth quarter. Why should Auburn be any different? Sure, it’s the Iron Bowl. Cam Newton happened. The Kick Six happened. Last year happened. Is Auburn #blessed enough to make something happen this year, though? Is anybody?
Illuminati pick: Alabama
#3 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-10.5) @ USC Trojans
The Irish have all but solidified their playoff-bound status after a résumé-confirming romp over Syracuse last week. Without having to worry about any conference championships, all they need to do is to take care of business vs. USC in the annual battle for the Jeweled Shillelagh. But the Trojans are— uh, wait.... getting an update here.....
The Trojans are.... in major turmoil..... with their coach on the hot seat, and needing a win just to become bowl eligible after losing to UCLA.
Huh. Well that’s weird. Good luck, Trojans!
Illuminati pick: Notre Dame
BYU Cougars @ #17 Utah Utes (-13)
OHHHHH LAWDY, WE GOT OURSELVES A HOLY WAR! After eight long years in the Pac-12, Utah has finally punched their ticket to the Pac-12 Championship. They’re the last team in the South to do it, but hey, some other teams have been waiting much longer.... [gestures towards half of the ACC Atlantic]. But before that, the Utes have to take care of their most hated totally-not-rival. What can we say about BYU? .....not much, honestly: they’re 6-5 and beat Wisconsin and lost 7-6 to NIU, and I can’t decide which of those is weirder, although it’s probably failing to score a touchdown against an extremely okay MAC team. Anyway, what I’m saying is: hey, Utes? These games get dumb. Don’t trip over yourselves just because you know you have more football to play.
Illuminati pick: BYU
#21 Utah State Aggies @ #23 Boise State Broncos (-2.5)
You know, it’s been a while since we’ve talked about Boise State. A 3-2 start let them fall off the radar, where they quietly built themselves back up to 9-2. Which is weird, because “quiet” and “9-2” aren’t things that typically describe the Broncos. They might not even play in the Mountain West Championship! All they have to do is beat their next opponent.... but that’s going to require them to beat a Utah State team that has even more quietly won ten straight. Forget #Pac12AfterDark this week — stay up late with some Rocky Mountain High.
Illuminati pick: Utah State
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