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Illuminati Picks, Week 6: A carnival of horrors awaits at the Texas State Fair





The Illuminati Council apologizes for being unable to address you all this week. Plotting cosmological domination is extremely time consuming and less important things (like you all) can sometimes be forgotten. Your patience is required.

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-4) @ Louisville Cardinals

Ooooh, it’s the Bobby Petrino special. Georgia Tech and Louisville have never played before, but Tech fans — or at least the ones that are Atlanta Falcons fans, which is most of them —have had this game circled on their calendar for years. I don’t need to retell the story of Bobby Petrino, Atlanta Falcons head coach, do I? Good. On the opposite side of the ball, the ‘Ville has hired one Brian VanGorder, who was last seen having been hired by Georgia specifically to help the Bulldogs game plan against Georgia Tech’s offense. Not sure what the outcome of that game was. Before that, VanGorder was DC at Notre Dame, where he faced the Jackets in a deceptively close Irish victory. Based on that, and that alone, we know he’s the perfect guy to defend against Paul Johnson’s offense. Totally.

Illuminati pick: Louisville

#19 Texas Longhorns vs. #7 Oklahoma Sooners (-8)

WWWWWWWWWWELCOME! To the 2018 Red River Showdown, emanating as always from the Cotton Bowl at the Texas State Fair Grounds in Dallas. And, of course, the Showdown always happens right in the middle of State Fair season, which means it’s time to see all the new artery-clogging food is available. There is something called Deep Fried Texas Hill Country. It is delicious and will spike your cholesterol levels. Texas and OU should have a contest to see who can eat the most of it. Not after the game. Before it.

Illuminati pick: Texas

#4 Clemson Tigers (-19) @ Wake Forest Demon Deacons

After nearly experiencing deja vu against Syracuse, Clemson’s quarterback situation should be back to normal this week. Mostly. With Kelly Bryant off to parts unknown, the Tigers suffered more shakeup against the Orange and had to sub in new QB2 Chase Brice when Trevor Lawrence was knocked out of the game. But what if Brice had gotten knocked out? Well, then, the honor would have gone to championship winning touchdown catcher Hunter Renfrow, now in his seventh season with the Tigers. And if he had gone out? Well, how does “Christian Wilkins, quarterback” sound to you? Absolutely terrifying? Yeah, I agree.

Illuminati pick: Wake Forest

#5 LSU Tigers (-2.5) #22 @ Florida Gators

LSU and Florida are playing their cross-divisional rivalry game this year with no hurricane shenanigans, so that’s nice. But lo, a new complication arises: following Florida’s win over Mississippi State in Starkville, their equipment truck actually caught fire. How convenient: the hurricane two years ago, and now this! How can you play a football game if all your equipment has been reduced to ashes? Just another instance of the Gators going to great lengths to avoid playing LSU.

Illuminati pick: LSU

Florida State Seminoles @ #17 Miami Hurricanes (-13.5)

The second most pre-eminent rivalry in Florida is.... back? (I’m not even sure it’s even the second most, given the absolute banger USF and UCF put out last year.) The Canes finally broke a seven year losing streak to the Noles last year, and it only took the best Miami team in over a decade making a last minute score to do it. This year, Florida State.... exists? Maybe? If you ask their fans they’ll tell you they feel like they’re in a constant state of dying, but that’s actually just the typical October humidity in Tallahassee.

Illuminati pick: Miami

Navy Midshipmen (-3) @ Air Force Falcons

We’re a little over a third of the way into the season, which means it’s time for the first leg of the Commander-in-Chief’s Trophy series! Navy-Air Force is always the first game, and for the first time in basically forever (22 years, if we’re being exact) it doesn’t feature the current trophy holder. Why haven’t we heard much from Navy this year? Well, it’s probably because they just lost to SMU. But at least Air Force is.... oh. Well, uh, something about option football and America, right?

Illuminati pick: Navy

Arizona State Sun Devils @ #21 Colorado Buffaloes (-2.5)

It’s merely #Pac12inthemidafternoon, but Herm Edwards’s first visit to Boulder still promises to be a weird one. Mostly because it’s Herm Edwards coaching a college football team in 2018, but also because Colorado is sitting pretty at 4-0. Don’t ask how they got there, just accept it the way it is. What I can’t accept is that we got all the way to October without anyone telling me Colorado’s kicker is 1) Australian and 2) thirty one years old. I might be 31 but I’m pretty young at heart,” which, honestly, I feel ya there. Growing old is for the birds; don’t do it.

Illuminati pick: Colorado

#13 Kentucky Wildcats @ Texas A&M Aggies (-6)

Every week I see this it feels like I’m in a deeper, heavier fever dream. Kentucky is still ranked! And now they’re a top 15 team! How is Mark Stoops doing this in year seven? No one really knows, and we probably shouldn’t ask. They’re traveling to College Station to face a Texas A&M team that’s favored, but should they be? (Seriously, 2018 is weird.) If Kentucky leaves a win, what else is in their way? Okay, Georgia is. But other than that? The Wildcats haven’t won more than 8 games since 1984. They might be really good, and I don’t know how to react to this!

Illuminati pick: Kentucky

#6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-6) @ #24 Virginia Tech Hokies

Boy, Virginia Tech put that loss to Old Dominion behind them quickly, didn’t they? Just dropped Duke like it was 2003, even though it’s 2018 now and Duke was a top 25 team. (2018, man. 2018.) Now they get to welcome Notre Dame to Blacksburg for the first time.... ever! I, for one, cannot wait for Notre Dame faithful to be offended at even the thought of the Hokies playing Enter Sandman as their intro song. Heavy metal music? In football? Knute Rockne is rolling in his grave!

Illuminati pick: Notre Dame

Wyoming Cowboys @ Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors (-3.5)

Oh, hell yes, we are traveling to the islands this week for some after-midnight Hawai’i football! The Warriors are already 5-1 after winning all of three games last year, and are looking like they could win a lot more games in the Mountain West. (Is it because the Mountain West is low-key trash this year? Perhaps!) Visiting them is a Wyoming team lead by Craig Bohl and.... you remember Craig Bohl, right? Multi time champion at North Dakota State, the terror of the Big Ten? Things haven’t been as smooth for him at Wyoming, mostly because, you know, Wyoming. Look, it’s still early in October, but when you’re huddling for college football warmth in February, you’re going to miss games like these. Are you going to live in regret having never watched Robert Kekaula commentate a game at 2am Eastern time? That’s what I thought.

Illuminati pick: Hawai’i

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