Gooooooooood Tuesday morning, college football! It’s...... it’s not Tuesday. It’s probably not morning anymore, either. I know. Look, I had a long weekend, and a really late Monday, and..... I’d rather not talk about it, okay?
The point is this: it may not be Tuesday. It may not be the morning. But it is time for the least important college football column to make its return.
DUFF’D IT RANKINGS, YEAR 5 (OR 6, TECHNICALLY): THIS TIME WE MIGHT MAKE THIS PERSONAL
Duff’d It! Rankings, Week 1
5. FSU. While walking around DragonCon late Saturday evening I came across multiple FSU fans making their way back from Mercedes-Benz Stadium. There were still ten minutes left in the fourth quarter in their game against Alabama. The Crimson Tide are back, and their aim is to once again slowly crush the life out of every team that dares oppose them. There is no hope for any of us.
4. Georgia State. The Panthers opened their season with the debut of Georgia State Stadium, nee Turner Field, the former home of the Atlanta Braves. And what better way to honor the Braves than by losing at home to a team that had no business being on the field with you? But this isn’t baseball, and Tennessee State isn’t the Phillies, so you’re just going to have to sit on that L for a while, Panthers.
3. Texas. Congratulations, Longhorns! You finally got rid of [that guy, whose name cannot be spoken] as head coach, and hired Tom Herman, the one you really wanted all along! Now, with a new future ahead, you can look forward to once again reclaiming your spot among the upper crust, and it all starts by defeating Mary- WHAT IS THIS HOW COULD YOU DISGRACE THE NAME OF DARRELL K ROYAL LIKE THIS FIRE TOM HERMAN GET MAJOR APPLEWHITE IN HERE NOW HE’S THE ONE WE ALWAYS WANTED ANYWAY
2. Baylor. Y’all thought you were done and clear with last year’s misery, did, you, Bears?Just fire your coach and AD and everything just.... goes away. Well, you thought wrong. Liberty was a school too big for their britches who thought they could just move up from FCS on their own and compete. They’re supposed to lose every game by 50, and you’re not helping. You even lost to the AD you just fired, because there really had to be no winners here. Except the Duff’d It! Rankings, because Baylor is back, baby!
1. Texas A&M. The Aggies usually wait until, like, at least late October before going full Aggy: taking all the promise of a hot start and then throwing it all in the trash can as quickly and efficiently as possible. Not this year! Oh no, they decided they’re going to play out this season in game 1, which is why when they had everything in the bag, with a 34 point lead with 19 minutes remaining, the Aggies said, “you know what, fam? Just kill us now.” UCLA’s response? Gladly. See you in 2018, Texas A&M. Erm, except for you, Kevin Sumlin.
Honorable mention: UNLV. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, unless you lose the biggest spread upset in history. Then everyone’s going to know, and they’re going to suspect you lost to get the loan sharks off your back.
SEC Conference Plays of the Week
Alright, Tim, you finally made it! You’re a division 1 punter! Today’s a huge game against the Iowa Hawkeyes! Just have to keep your eye on the ball. Keep your eye on the ball and...
Hold on a second. Can we get a better angle on that?
Wow. A perfect spiral through a defender’s open hands! That should be worth ten points alone.
Unfortunately, I don’t have the video editing skills to insert in the appropriate cartoon sound effects for this. But you know the ones, so just play them in your head.
Employee of the Month of the Week
Josh Rosen, QB, UCLA
A year ago we all chided Josh Rosen for stating Texas A&M’s Kyle Field wouldn’t be loud for their 2016 opener vs. UCLA. The Aggies won that game by a touchdown. This year, Rosen got his West Coast revenge, going 35 for 49 passing for 491 yards and four touchdowns, wiping away a 27 point fourth quarter deficit in the process. (West Coast revenge is like regular revenge - still served cold - but with avocado instead of lettuce, and, like everything else in California, 50% more expensive, at least.)
So congratulations, Josh Rosen! Your award comes in the form of seeing more of Kevin Sumlin, because I think A&M gave him wrong directions back to the hotel and he’s just kind of wandering aimlessly through Santa Monica Beach now.