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Illuminati Picks, Week 5: The Tiger and the Turkey

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WHICH IS PREDATOR AND WHICH IS PREY

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THESE TRINKETS MAY SERVE AS SMALL COMFORT TO YOU NOW BUT WE WILL ONE DAY RENDER THEM ALL MEANINGLESS

GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. AS YOU CAN SEE, THE SUPPOSEDLY PROPHESIED END OF YOUR PLANET DID NOT COME TO PASS THIS PAST END OF THE WEEK. NOW, OF COURSE THIS PREDICTOR HAS SELECTED A NEW DATE FOR THIS CATACLYSMIC EVENT. THAT DATE IS IRRELEVANT; ONCE AGAIN, NOTHING SHALL COME TO PASS. HE IS LIKE MANY OF YOUR KIND: WEAK-MINDED AND CRAVING RECOGNITION. STRIVE TO BE BETTER THAN THIS INSIGNIFICANT WORM. WE DO NOT DEMAND YOUR ATTENTION; WE COMMAND IT, FOR WE ARE UNLIKE YOUR KIND AND ASSURED OF OUR POSITION IN THE COSMOGENIC HIERARCHY.

RATHER THAN FOCUS ON ABSURD PREDICTIONS ABOUT THE END OF THE WORLD (A TRULY BIZARRE FASCINATION AMONGST YOUR KIND), FOCUS ON THE CHALLENGES WE PRESENT TO YOU BELOW.

VIEW LAST WEEK’S RESULTS

VIEW THIS SEASON’S TOTALS

North Carolina Tar Heels @ Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-9.5)

Have y’all seen UNC’s injury report as of late? It’s, uh, really bad. Like, worse than 2015 Georgia Tech bad. Does this make me feel bad for the Tar Heels? No, not particularly. No one felt bad for Tech back then, either. Besides, there’s one scenario I keep envisioning that leaves me devoid of sympathy: It’s 2030, and the NCAA has finally concluded their investigation into the UNC athletic department. Their findings: eh, it’s UNC, they make us a bunch of money, so who cares?

Illuminati pick: UNC

#14 Miami Hurricanes (-6.5) @ Duke Blue Devils

The Hurricanes are back in Durham for the first time since..... the incident. You know.... that one. The one that led to the U being back, for a week or so anyway. But now! It’s 2017, and it’s the Canes who are ranked, and the Blue Devils who aren’t. Sure, they’re ranked off beating Bethune-Cookman and Toledo, and mostly from their name, but, yeah, totally back! And a win over 4-0 Duke will prove it, even if they need help from the world’s worst referees again.

Illuminati pick: Duke

#5 USC Trojans (-3.5) @ #16 Washington State Cougars

What’s better than #Pac12afterdark? An extra dose of it on Friday. And, oh my, what a does this is. Wazzu is looking pretty good with a nice ranking to show for it, and they didn’t even lose to an FCS team on the way here this time! It took half a decade, but Mike Leach has finally built the Cougs up to a contender. (Pirates were never known for expediency - it took forever to sail anywhere in the 1800s.) USC is, you know, still doing USC stuff. But again, this is after dark, and it’s in Pullman, so yeah, it’s gonna be weird, and fun.

Illuminati Pick: Wazzu

#7 Georgia Bulldogs (-7.5) @ Tennessee Volunteers

Does anyone want to win the SEC East? Okay, Georgia looks like they do, but so far, it looks like they might be the only one. For something like the fourth year in a row, this is supposed to be Tennessee’s year, but they just barely beat UMass. Last week. Week 4. So, Georgia should be all over this.... but, this being the SEC East is reason enough to think otherwise. Who know, maybe history will repeat itself?

Illuminati pick: Tennessee

Florida State Seminoles (-7.5) @ Wake Forest Demon Deacons

As expected, this game pits one undefeated powerhouse with its sights on something greater against a winless team whose season is on the ropes already. Do the Noles have any idea what’s awaiting them in Winston-Salem? Probably not. It’s a pressure cooker iInside the BB&T, where they’ll feel the pressure from thirty one and a half thousand screamin’ Deacons. Have mercy on their souls.

Illuminati pick: FSU

#24 Mississippi State Bulldogs @ #13 Auburn Tigers (-9)

It’s been nine years since Auburn and Mississippi State in one of the greatest SEC contests of our time. Every year I wonder if such a work could ever be surpassed, but despite this meeting scheduled to repeat into perpetuity, it has yet to occur. To be fair, it’s a tall order: that’s five total points, and there’s only one way to get to five. I want to see a game decided by safeties only. Can we do that?

Illuminati pick: Mississippi State

#2 Clemson Tigers (-7.5) @ #12 Virginia Tech Hokies

We have our second championship rematch of the year, as Virginia Tech and Clemson renew hostilities following last year’s clash in Orlando. It was just written that the Hokies have been the best expansion move of the ‘00s, and it’s hard to disagree: since joining the ACC in 2004 they’ve won several conference titles and have represented well out of conference. (You know who can’t say that? Miami.) Still.... the last few meetings with the tigers have not gone well for them, last year’s ACC championship notwithstanding. In the battle of defensive Gurus, Brent Venables has gotten the better of Bud Foster every time. Could things be different this time in Blacksburg, with College Gameday in town? Maybe.

Illuminati pick: Clemson

#15 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-9.5) @ Texas Tech Red Raiders

Oklahoma State is coming off a buttkicking in their own home at the hands of TCU.... but the Horned Frogs are off this week, so we’re sticking with them. More interesting in this matchup is Texas Tech. We’re going to find out here if the Red Raiders are Actually Good and could contend for the Big 12 title, or if they’re just like every other Texas Tech team since before the Big 12 was a thing. Seriously, they’ve never won a Big 12 championship in football. At least Coach Kliff’s still dreamy.

Illuminati pick: Texas Tech

Ole Miss Rebels @ #1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-28)

Sure, on paper this seems like a huge mismatch. But no one gave the Rebels much credit the last three games, either, and they won the first two and nearly won the third. If it wasn’t for that 21 point lead they had on Alabama last year - the most precarious of all leads. You could try the reverse this year, Ole Miss, but Vandy tried that last week against the Tide, and we all know how that ended up working out for them. Just be careful.

Illuminati pick: Ole Miss

California Golden Bears @ Oregon Ducks (-13.5)

For part 2 of this week’s #Pac12afterdark, we could have gone to LA, where the Bruins are hosting Colorado.... but this is going to be more fun. Willie Taggart and his Ducks ran into a bit of a setback last week vs. Arizona State, but they’ve been alright otherwise. Cal was supposed to be terrible, and they’re..... not, at least so far. Get a pot of coffee brewing and find out, ‘cause these two will keep you up for a while.

Illuminati pick: Cal

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