The Common Man’s approach to CFB, brought to you by the most normal person on any team.
“Time is a flat circle. Everything we have done or will do we will do over and over and over again—forever.” - Rust Cohle
Call me crazy, but I think I’ve been here before. Not because I’m writing the column on yet another Tuesday night. Not because the people grow restless, anticipating a column that will again lean on the collective strength of the question marks in its name to stand in the face of adversity and sleepiness. But I feel a sense of déjà vu, or better yet déjà dit. I’ve said a lot of these things before, and things are starting to blur between seasons. Let me show you what I’m talking about. F$U still the best winless team in the country for the record
1) Now to proclaim your offical September Heisman - Saquon Barkley - RB - Penn State
If you don’t know by now, the guy that was good for the Black Shoe Army last year in the Rose Bowl is good again this year. The media as a whole as shifted away from Sam Darnold after a slew of “quality interceptions” (sound like the SEC much?) spoiled his chance to shine in September. Gone too is Josh Allen, who, lest you forget, was projected to be a first round Quarterback in next year’s draft. For the 30% of you reading this who have no clue who Josh Allen is, might I recommend Steven Godfrey and Bill Connelly’s Podcast Ain’t Played Nobody. This college football marriage of numbers and words covers the full spectrum of College Football, and provides incredible insight into what truly drives a lot of the game. But yeah, they were on the Josh Allen train early, then seemed to hop off in some regards as the whole thing spiraled entirely out of proportion right before the Wyoming Cowboys got shelled by both Iowa and Oregon. But, for now, your new Heisman Pose is a hurdle:
[from last season, foreshadowing]
Now for some slow motion cinematography
Saquon Barkley is just not fair. pic.twitter.com/kctEK2EBpg— Bryan Fischer (@BryanDFischer) September 24, 2017
2) This will be touched on later, but georgia is okay at football again, seemingly past banging their heads on things for fun
Mississippi State seemed to get a little spoiled after obliterating LSU last weekend, and waltzed into the buttsmear building expected to be applauded. They got something else. No highlights will be shown, but I’m praying for some sort of miracle in Neyland this weekend. They’ve still got things/buildings to name things after right? God I hope so.
3) Sneaky good game of the week? You guessed it...
Memphis @ UCF (-4.5). So don’t look, but right now UCF is the #2 team in the country if you remove the preseason projections from the S&P+ rankings. Which is scary, interesting, probably going to correct itself as the season progresses, and stupid all at the same time. I guess UCF is past losing a whole season’s worth of games in one sitting and moved into the PJ Fleck realm of turnarounds. Too bad he won’t be at UCF if there is ever a “return trip” to Atlanta for the Golden Knights. *knock knock * Tennessee? Arkansas? Is that you?
Things I Think I Know:
1) Oh man.... Bama....
There are about 100 different ways to say this that are much more clever, but Vanderbilt just got [Fleetwood Mac]’d.
When you skip your 4 hour Saturday lab to watch this Vandy game pic.twitter.com/OLXO4epXTw— Ben Elia (@TheBenElia) September 23, 2017
Remember when I put Clemson ahead of them? I’m sorry Sa
tban. I didn’t mean it. Have the top 2 rankings this week.
2) Army could go to a bowl game with about 250 passing yards.
After we almost had to talk to our children about undefeated Iowa, we get faced with what might be a harder question.
[oh man the relevant things still in that video...]
How can Army get to a bowl with 250 passing yards on the season?
THEY HAVE 36 PASSING YARDS
I don’t know how you should approach this subject. But just have something prepared, because they have a moderately easy drive to 6 with UTEP, Rice, EMU, and North Texas still on the schedule. If you love your children, please help them to understand.
3) Wanna talk ‘crootin? I realllllyyyyyyyyy don’t think you do.
I am beyond unqualified to talk about paying recruits to play whatever shape ball you worship as your deity, but I think there’s a lot of poop about to hit a lot of fans across the country as a result of this FBI probe. I’ll leave it at that. Except this gif which makes me happy.
Top 5 Top 5
New segment alert. It’s just a ranking. Along with my unique twist of which “also receiving votes” team should be ranked. Yay originality.
1) Alabama 2) Alabama* 3) not-sleepwalking Clemson 4) Oklahoma 5) Washington
* - vote placed under duress
ARVTtSbR (Also Receiving Votes Team that Should be Ranked) (that’ll stick):
Dook. Who until this Friday at roughly 10:23pm EST, will remain undefeated, so there’s that. They do have to play the Bling Machine this weekend, so good luck you sorry saps.
So watching this game on the tv was a little different than my seats in BDS@HGF normally are, apart from the sideline cam, which impedes my view no less than 700 times a game. But I really didn’t get too flustered/angry/irate/HOLD THE FOOTBALL
Just please do us all a favor, and work on the mesh this week. I don’t want to lose to UNCheat during our 12:00pm kickoff Whiteout on ESPN2 where 36,000 people will be in attendence. I see you student section, looking like male patterned baldness by the second quarter, it’s cool, I get it, there’s only ya know 6/7 of these a year..
Kenny Trill Heisman of the Week (KTHotW)
So the Trillest sparkled all Saturday from the 3:30-7:30 time slot (stupid long Big 12 games joke). He and the Horny Toad defense shut down Mason Rudolph and the Pokes (31 points is shutting them down, yes).
But we are building up to something truly beautiful with Mr. Trill here. So bear with me, his second coming is coming.
Josh Rosen - QB - UCLA
So turns out you can’t hate the players, but rather only the game. 143.7 Passer Rating with 40/60 and 480 yards and 3 TD’s. Only bad thing, it came with two picks and an L. And by L, losing by 4 scores to Stanford. Congrats Josh, maybe you’ll be a backup qb one day in the league and get that hot tub your RA wouldn’t let you keep.
Does Tech Need a Tee [Boston]?
Turns out, the one weekend this was supposed to come back, I wasn’t at the game. ACCNetwork wouldn’t show me those delicious 7-15 seconds of retrieval, so I’ll rely on the good people of the Internet to inform me of what I missed. Please include WAR statlines to aid in describing the effort put forth by the lad.
Tin Horn Team of the Week
Vanderbilt... you made me sad...
I had the highest of hopes for you, and all you did was make me wish we never crossed paths. Was hoping something like 24-3 would be your fate. But ohhhhhhh nooooooooo you got steamrolled, hit with a bunch of rolls of quarters, farted on, called a nerd, sunburned, pushed over, and then purple nurpled. All on CBS. I wanted to call the fight, but couldn’t bring myself to see you give up on yourself.
Til next time....
Prop Bet of the Week
IT’s UNDER SZN BABYYYYYYYYYy
Much to this writer’s amusement, the Under hit in the count of Passing TD’s by Pitt QB’s with a resounding 1. Eat [Styx] Pitt. Too bad so sad.
This week’s bet:
# of non-traditional passes thrown by a player on the field: O/U .5
Sometimes you have to ask yourself these questions. Espeically when you question your own quintessential existence as a program. But nevertheless, we got some nice video out of it. This kid is legit in a brain pretzel.
Never know, we could get absurdity again, and I only hope it ends with Up With the White and Gold played.
(Eaux)de to the O / The More You Know
Wanted to tie these two together this week, but there’s a great article written on O’s account of him getting the job at LSU written by Steven Godfrey that is well worth the read. The sheer joy he exudes in talking about the job makes me belive every time he tweets “HOLD THAT TIGER” he legitimately screams at Siri to send out each tweet.
[side note - if someone could get me a bumper sticker that reads “O The Coach” in the style of the Bush bumper stickers, I’ll bring the column on Monday next week]
Déjà Vu Alert
Tell me if you’ve ever heard this one. Wonky night game in Kinnick. Georgia boatracing a ranked $EC West team out of nowhere. Bama kicking in the teeth of everyone in the bar. South Florida being national media focus levels of good. Rutgers being not 100% terrible (10 point loss to Nebraska and playing Washington relatively close counts as not terrible). Texas Tech actually winning games against other teams from Texas (not named North Texas or Texas State).
It feels a little like College Football is circling itself back over again and entering back into a new chapter. Only problem is, we’ve seen it before. There’s a re-emergence of constructing teams around powerful downhill runners. Look at Penn State, USC, georgia, LSU, Tennessee, Ohio State, Maryland, Wisconsin, Stanford. More and more teams are going back to the run games of old. Sure, they’re mixed in with buzzword of the year Run Pass Option style plays, but power is coming back into the game. And where I think this eventually leads football is bringing back the teams that were the original blue bloods (except Nebraska) as we would think of them today. The size and speed of the game as it has evolved today lends itself to bully teams that don’t have the same talent. Why spread the field when you can line up and run off tackle 35 times to the same effect and have much less risk?
Bama has been doing it for a decade, and I think there’s a case to be made for teams that have quit trying to reinvent the wheel on offense and instead smooth the wheels they have out, knowing what they’ve run in the past can work if they execute correctly. And how I’m seeing it, it means using 330 pound linemen to make your opponent wish they were playing two-hand touch on defense, because arm tackles won’t work when you’ve got to tackle a runner like Fournette, Love, Barkley, Chubb, Scarborough, you name it.
But all in all, I’m glad to see the traditional powerhouse teams work their way upwards at the same relative time. It makes for similar storylines over time, but each round has a slightly different twist that keeps us turning the pages and waiting for the Texas @ Iowa State games on Thursday nights that will go anything but planned.
GET OFF MY LAWN
Here’s where my déjà dit kicks in. I’d swear, at least in part, that I’m a writer for ESPN now. Between quoting the Dennis Green “they are who we thought they were”, the SEC Least mention, and general demeanor as whole, I think I might be mounting a case for copyright infringement against the Sports Media Complex, and Ryan McGee in particular. I get that imitation is the most sincere form of flattery, but don’t drag on the bad puns to the point that it becomes annoying. Do me that favor at least. Next week it’ll be the $EC (L)east, and then I’ll really lose it.
Secondly, I COVER KICKERS AND PUNTERS. WE DO NOT MAKE FRONT PAGES OF WEBSITES SO QUIT FORCING IT. IT ISN’T SUPPOSED OT BE THIS WAY. WE DON’T WANT THIS.
When Kentucky double teams the punter all game...61 yard bomb topped off with a pancake pic.twitter.com/bG6bwdEbdP— Johnny Townsend (@johnnytownsend1) September 25, 2017
Next week, once Tech is a third of the way through their season [ACCCG mind rite], we’ll start our PLAYOFFS?!? elimination. Tech is still in the running technically, with a .1% chance to go 10-1, so we’ll hopefully see that chance increase ever so slightly after taking care of business on Saturday.
And Crees sighed...
Crees is an interesting being/friend. He sighs a lot when faced with things that frustrate him. Each week we will seek to bring you the things Crees hates. I typically will gather these things in passing, but sometimes he’ll be a pal and write down coherent sentences that I can put here. At some point, if he’s good, then we’ll let him write a little bit and string together the random sentences. This is the best I could come up with for what a Crees sigh looks like in real life:
Things Crees hates this week:
- Baylor continuing to be [Styx].
- Cancelling games without rescheduling them
- I hate uga
- I hate that Notre Dame might be good now?
- I hate a very clearly in trouble F$U team still in the top 25 coaches poll at 0-2
- I hate that Tennessee chose to play like garbage against UMass.
- I hate that we [Tech] appear to have a better team than 2014 but we haven’t hit our full potential yet.
This will get fledged out in the comments I’m sure. So let’s hear it.
Would you take Smoov and Laskey/Days combo with this year’s O-Line, or take Quon and the Triplets with the 2014 O-Line? And for the fun of it, choose your own adventure with the A-backs and combine them to make some sort of superhuman A Back grouping. I got Lynch/Searcy/Snoddy/JJ.
Don’t think my soft spot for those Key & Peele videos will ever fade. Not just the East vs. West Bowl, but all 30 of them or whatever the number was. They were legitimately lol levels of funny. Much like watching that UNC Pick 6.
As always, thanks for reading, and hopefully next week I'll be bringing you all the column at its normal time, preferably on Monday, preferably in the morning. Just like the doctor ordered.