Look, SEC East, you’re bad, you’re bad, we know. Just embrace the bad! Stop doing this “we almost lost to a bad team but HAHA we didn’t!” This doesn’t just annoy me because it makes writing this column more difficult, but it annoys everyone, except the people who aren’t paying attention and who just see that additional tick in the win column. We saw you almost lose to UMass, Tennessee, and it doesn’t make us feel any better about that loss on Labor Day. Be the division we know you truly are, SEC East. Stop pretending.
Duff’d It! Rankings, Week 4
5. Oklahoma State. Thanks for ruining Bedlam already, Cowboys. Until OU inexplicably loses to Texas in the Red River Shootout, double-ruining Bedlam, and then we end up with something like WVU-TCU in the Big 12 championship.
4. Mississippi State. Welcome back to the top 25, Bulldogs, hope to see you- whoops, there you go again, Bulldogs! Good luck next week against who cares, Nick Saban still owns the entire conference University.
3. Boise State. Look, Virginia, you have to stop scheduling these out of conference games against huge name you have no chance of def- wait, what? Boise hasn’t been beaten that badly at home in how long??
I’m gonna have to go lie down, y’all. This is a bigger shock than finding out the true identity of Candidate Morty.
2. Kentucky. At this point I’m forced to assume the Wildcats keep losing to Florida simply because it’s the only thing they know anymore. They wouldn’t even know what to do next if they actually beat the Gators. Maybe a win opens the sealed tomb underneath Kroger Field where the vengeful spirits of Joker Phillips and several unknown horrors lie.
1. FSU. You know, I should be more excited about any opportunity I have to be talkin’ ‘bout the Noles. Especially when they lost to NC State, again. But something just feels missing this time.
Honorable mention: Vanderbilt. Saying you want Bama is all fun and games, until you realize you actually have Bama next and are not one of the three teams that would actually have a chance against the Tide. (Those three teams being Clemson, Ohio State, and, strangely, Ole Miss.) Just play dead next time and they’ll quickly get bored and move on to something else, Dores.
SEC Conference Plays of the Week
I MEAN FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE KENTUCKY DO YOU NEED ONE OF THOSE CARTOON SIGNS WITH THE ARROW AND THE LIGHTBULBS TO SEE THIS DUDE okay okay I’m over it maybe you’ll win next year in year 32 BUT PROBABLY NOT
Of course someone from Buttgers - I mean, Rutgers - would make a catch using their butt. The Duff’d It! Rankings: bringing you the finest butt-related college football content.
FSU band member takes throwaway pass off the head pic.twitter.com/MkBYZgSCny— That Dude (@cjzer0) September 23, 2017
And now everyone knows the real purpose of those giant feathers. (They’re called plumes, by the way.) But seriously, pay attention at all times, kids. Doing otherwise can result in bodily harm or damaged instruments.
.....not that I’d know from personal experience, of course.
Employee of the Month of the Week
Saquon Barkley, RB, Penn State
Penn State has quickly gone from “who cares” to “could very likely make the playoff” in the last couple of years, and Saquon Barkley is a big reason why. He put his best on display in Saturday’s heart-stopping win over Iowa, with 28 carries for 211 yards and a touchdown as well as 12 receptions for another 94 yards, giving him 305 on the night. Oh, and he did this.
So congratulations, Saquon Barkley! Your EotMotW award is continuing to have Keegan-Michael Key as your head coach.