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Duff’d It! Rankings and Other Accolades: The Pitt football of college football columns

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UNFORTUNATELY YOU DON’T GET ANYTHING FOR READING ALL THE WAY THROUGH

My writings have the exact same effect, Pitt.

Welcome to this week’s Duff’d It! Rankings, where no college football loss is so bad you can’t vape through it. Week 3 is in the books, and man, was it a fun one. I just got back from Orlando after having witnessed the greatest Georgia Tech football game in recorded history. The Jackets scored late in the second half when Quaide Weimerskirch tossed a flea-flicker back to Lucas Johnson to go up 35-0, and then Paul Johnson just ran air raid the entire second half. Shame it wasn’t shown on TV anywhere.

Elsewhere in college football, Pitt got beat by Oklahoma State so bad it attempted to bribe students to stay the entire game with a free beverage. I have several questions, the biggest of which is: what is the nature of this “beverage”? Are there size options here, or is it the size of those cups 7-Eleven hands out on Free Slurpee Day? Can I get a beer? Is coffee an option? Because as we saw, Pitt fans were desperately in need of some.

Duff’d It! Rankings, Week 3

5. Louisville. It was really fun watching the Cardinals take on Clemson last year in the ACC’s most entertaining bar fight. This year...... not so much. You’re still really good, Lamar Jackson, but your supporting cast is somewhat suspect. And Louisville fans, I get that you’re proud of Jackson for winning the Heisman last year, but I don’t know that using it for trash talk is the best idea when you’re playing the defending national champion.

4. Stanford. The Cardinal went LIGHTS OUT this Saturday playing at San Diego State. Literally, as the lights at Qualcomm Stadium went out (on everyone) late in the fourth quarter, proving that no one takes #Pac12afterdark as seriously as southern California. When the lights came back on, there was nothing on the field but a bunch of fallen trees and a bunch of suspiciously splinter-covered Aztecs.

3. Nebraska. You never forget your first time (losing to a MAC team), Cornhuskers. The good news here is you’re well ahead of schedule for the traditional four losses, which means a much higher chance of pulling upsets against Ohio State, Penn State, and Wisconsin!

2. Tennessee. Honestly, it’s fitting that a game coached so badly by both teams would end when Butch Jones went cover two on a play where Florida’s only real option was to swing for the fences. Florida came out on top on the scoreboard, but we all know there was no real winner in Gainesville Saturday. Especially not Butch Jones.

(Okay, no, Florida’s punter is a winner.)

1. LSU. A loss in Starkville a decade ago ended Ed Orgeron’s tenure at Ole Miss. Ten years later, he...... managed to not only not get revenge, but lose even worse to a team helmed by someone who only got recruited by Chattanooga. Coach O will spend the next week quietly contemplating existence on swamp boat.

Honorable mention: Mizzou. There’s never any extra context necessary when you get blown off your own field by Purdue. Sure, they got a fancy new coach who’s maybe kinda good. Still got blown off your own field by Purdue.

SEC Conference Plays of the Week

Pretty sure you answered your own question there, Scott. That there is Kansas football, in all its..... glory isn’t the right word. Ignominy? Yeah, that sounds like Kansas. Let’s look at that from another angle:

Bro, do you even cut block? Those are legal, you know. I take a small comfort in knowing that, while one day the Earth will cease to turn as it is consumed by the sun, Kansas football will still be around, doing..... whatever it does.

That’s a Durant Brooks Award-winning performance from Akron punter Nick “Fartman” Gasser*. Right in the corner! Too bad the ref wasn’t looking at the pylon cam.

*Just in case anyone wasn’t sure, yes, that is a made up nickname

Employee of the Month of the Week

NCAA Football: UCLA at Memphis Justin Ford-USA TODAY Sports

Riley Ferguson, QB, Memphis

It should be difficult to outshine UCLA quarterback Josh Rosen on the field on any given day, but on a sunshine filled and defense lacking day in Memphis, Riley Ferguson did just that, completing 23 passes for 398 yards and six touchdowns, and grabbing that all-important W over a big bad Pac-12 team. Don’t mess with Memphis™, y’all.