The Common Man’s approach to CFB, brought to you by the most normal person on any team.
This weekend gave us all a chance to really dive into the minutia of this beautiful game, and by that, I mean I watched nearly all of the K State-Vanderbilt game, and I don’t feel bad about it.
This week also gifted us a pretty cool thing, which was vengeance. You can see the emotion of desperation on the face of one Butch Jones in the cover art, and it was awesome watching this over and over again and just laugh and laugh and laugh. [sorry Ryan and Stuart, kisses].
Still gives me chills. Like the chills you get watching your sibling getting in trouble for something they did three weeks ago, and watch them slowly walk down a tunnel out of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium and back on a bus to Knoxville.
Extended not-really metaphors aside, let’s get it moving shall we?
1) Florida State is the best winless team in the country
It’s weird to think that at this point in the season, F$U remains winless. They’d, without a doubt, be 2-1 had it not be for Hurricane Irma, but it still feels weird. Let’s use this time to shine some light on other winless teams:
Baylor, UMass, Nevada, Georgia Southern, Georgia State, ULM, East Carolina, Bowling Green, UTEP, and Charlotte.
Man do I want UTEP to be average... I loved the Sun Bowl as a stadium.
2) ALL HAIL THE BOILERMAKER
Granted it’s Mizzou, but let’s see how much they struggle against the rest of the (L)east division. I know the dangers of crowning Purdue’s [Aerosmith]s, Dennis Green taught me well.
3) Your over-hyped game of the week is fixing to be Oklahoma State hosting TCU
The Horny Toads are looking more like the Horny Toads as of late, re-installing their brand of defense that made them so formidable in the Mountain West. Couple that with rising Heisman candidate Mason Rudolph manning the tiller for Oklahoma State, and you’re going to have one heck of a 3:30 match-up on ESPN.
Things I think I know
1) Is it just me, or does 11 seem high for the dwags?
If you look at the teams around them in the AP Poll, it looks like this:
And you could’t tell me there’s a team in that bunch that georgia beats outside of Virginia Tech. There’s some serious talent around them in that grouping, and I’m not buying into the dwags just yet. And you’d think Vegas would be weary giving uga a -6.5 line against MSU, seems similar to the line they gave LSU. Here’s hoping for repeated success for Clanga Clanga Nation, the most hospitable fans I have encountered in my fanhood.
2) Lamar Jackson didn’t show us he isn’t Heisman caliber
Double negatives aside, I chalk Saturday’s game up to a testament of Clemson’s defense. Brent Venables is a really bad dude. Can he get the Heisman? He should win Coordinator of the Year as long as he’s alive, because he has a big impact on that program and is 100% content to not be a head coach. I know I’ve shown a lot of Clemson love recently, but believe me, it’s the aspiring kind of love, where you work to make yourself better out of admiration of another. I think Plato wrote about this.
3) Wanna know my Top 5?
Might have to turn this into a thing:
- Clemson 2. Alabama 3. Oklahoma 4. Penn State 5. Oklahoma State
I know it isn’t groundbreaking apart from Clemson above Bama, but to this point, I believe in what I’m seeing out of Clemson moreso than Bama. Bama doesn’t have a WR outside of Calvin Ridley, and I’m not sure how they deal with elite defenses if they were to catch a small injury bug at RB. But what I do like, is the top of the Big 12, and Penn State. They basically are all the same explosive team that are just pure fun to watch. Hopefully it stays that way.
4) Duke... still back for now
They took down a bad and getting worse Baylor squad, and have to face the Schrodinger’s Cat of Football Teams in UNC. Do they have a team or not? Guess we’ll find out after their ruling comes down and (hopefully) shows us a dead cat in a box. Or at least the hearing transcription equivalent.
5) Masochism reinvents itself in our bye week. I think I’m a Vandy fan now.
I’ve spent the better half of this offseason trying to find a second team to root for.
I flirted with Western Kentucky, but was put off by its family. Did the distance thing with Wyoming, but couldn’t get used to the fact we wouldn’t see each other regularly (which they lied about btw... they’ve been on my TV each of the past 3 weekends I’m pretty sure and I’m not bitter about it one bit for the record...). I thought for a while I might just be monogamous, but then I looked across that smoky bar to see you:
You were excellent at sidestepping people’s advances on you, quiet unlike your friends you were with, and had this aurora to you that there was more than met the eye. We talked for what seemed like 3 hours, we exchanged numbers, and said you’d be back next Saturday at 3:30 on CBS to hang out with your destructive friend for her birthday.
And not destructive because she’s been described as both an elephant and a rolling tide, but because when she’s out nobody is safe.
I said I had plans, but hopefully would catch you the following week on ESPN when you went to The Swamp, the jorts bar down the street, for lunch and a screwdriver.
Hopefully you make if out of this weekend okay, because I’d love to get to know you more.
My internal Techometer has settled down for the week, causing me to not be nervous for any portion of last Saturday’s viewing experience. Be still my heart.
Kenny Trill Heisman of the Week (KTHotW)
While the Trillest did have a pretty stellar day (80% through the air to the tune of 365 yards and 4 TD’s) in the Battle for DFW, why have one good thing when you can have two, or better stated:
But this week’s KTHotW award goes to...
Josh Adams and Brandon Wimbush - RB and QB - Notre Dame
Now on any other team, these two stooodent-athaletes would have been the #1 and #3 rushers in the country, with 229 and 207 yards respectively. But turns out, we should have played Boston College this year instead of last, because these dudes split carries in their 49-20 blitzkrieg of the Eagles. Saddest part, Adams didn’t score, while Wimbush racked up 4 of the Irish’s 7 touchdowns on the ground, as a QB. Bizarre stat line all around, but it gets you a plaque on the Trillest Fridge in the land, until you get taken off next week for not being our favorite. Next.
Does Tech need a Good Tee Boy?
So, before Tech could instate this season’s Tee [Boston], Boise State was able to throw this act together
Boise State has a dog who retrieves the tee after Kickoffs and I've never seen anything so pure pic.twitter.com/J4wBy3dgzY— King J. (@jjbadluck) September 15, 2017
I’m calling you out Shea Underwood, either do the job yourself, or have someone do it for the Pitt game. All eyes are on you and your actions.
Also, on a separate google search, this same dog used to do the same thing for the Boise minor league team and went viral for it, so for your worldy relevance reminder for the day, it’s Good Boy: 2 , You: 0 (likely)
Tin Horn Team of the Week
After losing former KTHotW winner Zay Jones to the NFL, the East Carolina Pirates are in shambles. They got up early on Virginia Tech, then relinquished 57 UNANSWERED POINTS. This is the point in time where I would turn to a co-host and repeat the number all in one sentence, but that doesn’t play in text form, but now you get my emphasis I want to place on that.
This defeat included 34 points in the 3rd quarter from VT, which is kind of hard to do on its own. 675 yards allowed and 11.8 yards per attempt is just a bad look.
Prop Bet of the Week
Last week’s bet: Number of teams facing service academies that would cover: 1.5
Hand up, I overestimated Ole Miss, and they pooped the bed at Cal. I can own up to that. But, my intuition was technically right on the actual prop bet.
I would’ve said it would be Ohio State to not cover 30, but sure enough they won by 31. On the other hand, we had Michigan lean on a kicker to win against the Air Force Academy. No slight to the effort put in by some of our nation’s finest, but if you’re Michigan, you’ve got to have no clue how this happened. This doesn’t bode well for Michigan moving forward, especially with better defenses on the horizon.
This week’s prop bet: # of touchdowns from Pitt QB’s O/U is 2.5
If Max Browne lights us up, I will permanently disavow Roof. Browne can’t find his way out of a paper bag, let alone navigate a Top 100 defense (we have that right?). That other kid looked decent once the Pokes were up by 850, but when garbage time starts 20 minutes into the game, everyone looks just a little bit better.
(Eaux)de to the O
So this was posted in last season’s Week 8 version of the program, but for those of you who don’t peruse the FanPosts (shame on you), here’s what is arguably the Origin of the O. [language redacted per protocol]
"Has everyone here heard the Wild Boys story? [puts in coffee grounds like dip and spits into a small cup (yes, Ed Orgeron does this)] I am going to explain this story to you the way that I have heard it several different times in The Grove, from other Ole Miss fans, and on various other boards. It's one of my favorite stories. Whenever Coach O got the Ole Miss job (btw shout out to the "O" The Coach bumper stickers), his first item on the agenda was to call a meeting for the current players on the team. He has everyone meet him in the locker room, all players and staff, and the everyone waits for O to come in and deliver his opening statement. He storms into the locker room shortly thereafter and looks around at the players. These guys have no idea who Coach O is or what his identity is going to be as their head coach. He starts into his rah-rah about who he is, what he's done, why he's excited to have the Ole Miss job, and why the players should be excited to play for him. He has his assistants pass around some boxes to collect jewelry because "jewelry is for women and [Genesis]." So these players are taking off their chains, their diamond earrings, the usual. He continues with his speech, growing louder and louder. He has a vision for Ole Miss football, for what kind of energy he will bring and what kind of energy his teams will bring. I guess the team wasn't taking it to the level he wanted see, because he breaks out the WILD BOYZ routine. "EVERYONE STAND UP AND TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRTS!" Orgeron immediately rips off his shirt. [players get out of their seats, confused, and start taking of their shirts] Orgeron is now pacing, "THIS SIDE OF THE ROOM - YOU GOTTA YELL OLE MISS!" He paces over to the other side, holding his hands up like a wizard, "NOW WHEN THEY YELL OLE MISS, THIS SIDE GOTTA YELL WILD BOYS!" He moves back to the front of the room and starts his chant. "OLE MISS!" Half the room yells it correctly, and in unison. "WILD BOYS!" the other side replies. This goes back and forth the way any "you yell this, you yell that" chant would go, except Orgeron's pacing grows faster and more explosive. He's YELLING at the guys, he's slapping chests of the linemen, he's pushing some of them. "OLE MISS! WILD BOYS!" They start pushing back. They're pushing each other, they're flipping chairs, they're banging on lockers! "OLE MISS! WILD BOYS!" They're jumping around, they're throwing coolers, they're damn near starting a mosh pit! "OLE MISS! WILD BOYS!" They're flipping more chairs, they're throwing everything within arm's reach, they're slapping each other, they're at a full rage! This riot is getting out of control, the locker room is in a complete frenzy, when all of a sudden Orgeron belts out from the front of the room "EVERYBODY SHUT THE **** UP!" [Silence.] "IF ANYONE WANTS A PIECE OF THIS, I'LL BE OUTSIDE!" [Storms out.] [Everyone is confused] And that's how the team met Ed Orgeron."
And for the record, they went 3-9 that season, 1 SEC win.
After a loss to Kentucky:
"This was an [Aerosmith]-whipping. Randy Sanders must be French for Brent Schaffer. Obviously 12 penalties and five turnovers is hard to overcome in any game," Ole Miss coach Ed Orgeron said. "That's uncharacteristic of our football team. If your players can't read how can you expect them to execute plays. We are illiterate [Styx]s."
Sort of gets me fired up, sort of brings a tear to my to think we exist at the exact point in time in which we get both Ed Orgeron and the Internet. Treasure these times, for they too shall pass.
The More You Know
A man after my own heart. Doin’ nerd stuff and football stuff all within the confine of Special Teams. That truly is the Lord’s work.
PUNTERS ARE PEOPLE TOO SUPER SPECIAL
I don’t know what the [Foreigner] happened this weekend, but everyone needs to get off my lawn. There were at least 6 K/P related incidents documented by mothership, along with an absolute gem that somehow slipped their radar (jokes on you, I did watch a boatload of the OKST game). Here we go:
[never seen this, it didn’t live up to my expectations of what was about to happen though somehow]
[is it bad that I sort of buy Franklin’s excuse? but by the same token, shutouts look nicer than 3 ugly points]
[dumb fire emoji issue, amazing how much this comes up actually]
[Brad Wing did it first, and better. You aren’t original, you’re at Missouri, the Black and Gold headed grandkid in the SEC that the old people at the reunion just look at and say “now who are you and why do you act like you do??”] relevant image dwag trigger warning
[this totally did work, the tight end got outjumped... I mean a 50/50 shot at a touchdown is still more expected points on average than a field goal. Just saying...]
[RIGHT IN THE JEWELS]
And finally, the one that the mothership missed that totally would’ve made their collective day(s), was Heisman Hopeful Zach Sinor, who gave us this gem and ended his campaign all in one fell swoop.
And the Heisman campaign is over. pic.twitter.com/H9vpzJlnWd— Pistols Firing (@pistolsguys) September 16, 2017
Easily one of the worst feelings in the world, right up there with having that little piece of skin that apparently holds all of your nerve endings for pain near your fingernails pull off, and you think you might die. Sorry Zach, I feel for you.
And Crees sighed...
This is coming to you next week, so just prepare yourself.
As always, thanks for reading, and hopefully next week I'll be bringing you all the column at its normal time, preferably on Monday, preferably in the morning. Just like the doctor ordered.