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Illuminati Picks, Week 3: A Rematch for the Ages

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CREATE NEW HEROES BEFORE YOUR OLD ONES DISAPPOINT YOU

WE WERE PRESENT AT THE BIRTH OF THIS AND EVERY LEGEND

GREETINGS, CITIZENS OF EARTH. WE ARE NOT DEAF TO THE GRUMBLINGS FROM YOUR KIND REGARDING THE ABANDONMENT OF SEVERAL RECENT CONTESTS, AS IF WE OURSELVES WERE THE ULTIMATE CAUSE. THOUGH IT IS TRUE WE EXERCISE A GREAT AMOUNT OF CONTROL OVER THIS WORLD’S HAPPENINGS, THE ROARING OF THE WORLD ITSELF IS BEYOND IT. PERHAPS CONSIDER WHAT YOU YOURSELVES ARE DOING TO IT TO INCITE SUCH EVENTS. KNOW THAT PRESERVING YOUR KIND IS NOT A NECESSITY FOR OUR ULTIMATE GOALS. THAT IS ALL. MAKE YOUR CHOICES BELOW; DO MAKE AN ATTEMPT AT GOOD ONES.

VIEW LAST WEEK’S RESULTS

VIEW THIS SEASON’S TOTALS

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets @ UCF Knights

hahahahahaha never mind moving on

#9 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-13.5) @ Pitt Panthers

This really does look like one of those games that screams “why are they scheduling this” when it gets scheduled, and then, years later, when it actually happens, it screams “why did they schedule this?” Well, they have to play it, because it’s on the schedule. This would seem to show all the indications of a Cowboys blowout, but there’s just one little thing: it’s Pitt. Pitt, who rose to the occasion twice last year to knock off the future Big Ten champions and future national champions. The Cowboys are on the short list of Big 12 contenders this year. They’re right where the Panthers want them.

Illuminati pick: Pitt

SMU Mustangs @ #20 TCU Horned Frogs (-18)

SMU and TCU haven’t been conference mates since the Horned Frogs left the WAC (remember them?) after the 2000 season, but that hasn’t stopped them from continuing to play every year.... outside of 2006, for some reason. And why not? They play for a sweet iron skillet, and someone has to claim the mantle of Dallas’s best football team, and it sure as heck ain’t going to be UNT.

I heard someone yell “the Cowboys”. Look, y’all, Oklahoma State is in, you know, Oklahoma. They’re not eligible.

Illuminati pick: SMU

#23 Tennessee Volunteers @ #24 Florida Gators (-4.5)

After making a LOST reference in last year’s Tennessee-Florida game, I was super stoked to talk about some other pre-2005 properties for this year..... then Florida had to go and ruin it all by losing the game. Damn you Gators! You ruin everything! I’m not surprised by this though, honestly; anyone who’s followed Spencer Hall’s writings for a while has known that’s been true for years. The Gators would have a seeming advantage, having their game against FCS Northern Colorado last week canceled, but, uh, they still have seven players suspended, so have fun with that!

Illuminati pick: Tennessee

Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-13.5) @ Boston College Eagles

Get ready for another exciting edition of the only college football game between two Catholic schools! Until one of them decides to play either Georgetown or Villanova, anyway. A Catholic football game is a lot like a Catholic wedding, in that you’re going to meet cousins you never knew or forgot existed, both are two hours longer than you want them to be, and everyone is getting completely drunk after the event.

Illuminati pick: Notre Dame

#12 LSU Tigers (-7) @ Mississippi State Bulldogs

DACOACHO is back, and he wants you to have a hurricane game plan. Mississippi State could use that, and a Tiger game plane, and pretty much any other game plan you can think of, ‘cause no matter how you slice it, losing 23 out of the last 25 ain’t pretty.

Illuminati pick: LSU

#3 Clemson Tigers (-3) @ #14 Louisville Cardinals

It’s only week 3, but we might already know who the ACC Atlantic champion is after this game. Okay, yeah, FSU’s still hanging around, but DeAndre Francois is out, and we haven’t seen them since Bama, and we won’t see them for another week, so who knows? Anyway, last year’s clash between the Tigers and Cardinals was absolutely bonkers: Lamar Jackson and DeShaun Watson dazzled the entire time, Louisville overcame a huge halftime deficit to snag a fourth quarter lead only to give it all away anyway, and the yards. So, so many yards. Watch this game, and make sure you don’t step out early, like Jonathan Quick did last year.

Illuminati pick: Clemson

Rice Owls @ Houston Cougars (-22.5)

Not to be outdone by those schools up in DFW, Houston has its own crosstown rivaly game going on this weekend. It’s another chapter in the Dallas-Houston war to see which city is better. (Answer: neither, both are lame and Austin is the only cool city in Texas.) The Cougars are riding high after knocking off Arizona last week, while Rice...... is Rice. They got pasted by Stanford in Australia. That was almost a month ago, so they might have finally recovered by now.

Illuminati pick: Rice

Arizona State Sun Devils @ Texas Tech Red Raiders (-7.5)

It’s kind of nice that these two schools who both play in remote desert towns decided to play each other. They both get to feel right at home! Texas Tech will even serve you tortillas, how hospitable! Last year’s game between these two featured ALL THE POINTS - a total of 123, and this year’s..... well, Arizona State struggled against New Mexico State and lost by ten to San Diego State. So, maybe not as many points this year.

Illuminati pick: Texas Tech

Texas Longhorns @ #4 USC Trojans (-16.5)

It’s been twelve long years, but finally, these two teams are meeting again. Oh, sure, USC has won the other four games in this series (a pair each in 1955-56 and 1966-67), but that’s not why anyone’s here. It’s that other game. The Rose Bowl. Vince Young. 4th and 5 for the national championship. Still give you chills, doesn’t it?

Well, USC doesn’t think so. “Nah. Didn’t happen, bro. Vacated everything. Doesn’t count. We’re still undefeated against you losers.” If they needed a reminder of what happened that night in Pasadena..... well, now’s the best chance you’re ever going to get, Longhorns.

Illuminati pick: Texas

#19 Stanford Cardinal (-9.5) @ San Diego State Aztecs

Oh, what, there’s more football on after that? Well, of course, it’s #Pac12AfterDark time! And boy, we’re getting weird here. Stanford at San Diego State? That’s “take all your clothes off, put some things that may not be clothes on, and paint whatever’s still showing” levels of weird. Burning Man hasn’t been over for too long; think of this as the college football themed camp. I’m not sure if Burning Man works like that, the most I know about it came from a comment I read on Reddit.

Illuminati pick: Stanford

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