THE FOLLOWING ARTICLE IS A WORK OF SATIRE BY FROM THE RUMBLE SEAT AND NOT MEANT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY. PLEASE DO NOT TAKE THIS LITERALLY. THANK YOU.
Good afternoon! Fancy seeing you here. Seeing as Tech is regrettably not playing in the ACC Championship tomorrow in Charlotte, let’s take a look at the surprise superstar of the Coastal champion Miami Hurricanes. A virtual unknown when the season began, the Turnover Chain has seemingly willed the Hurricane defense to their first tilt for the conference championship since they joined in 2004, and is even receiving down-ballot Heisman consideration from ESPN’s Rece Davis. Maybe.
Miami is not the first team to select an object to rally around, and will probably not be the last. So, in the vein of the Oregon Ducks, what could Georgia Tech use to inspire the best from its players next fall?
“Good Eyes” Thick, Horn-Rimmed Glasses
Having trouble seeing the chalkboard in class? Having trouble seeing the football on the field? Well, swat some passes down and take care of both at once. Who needs an interception when you can bat the ball into the air and out of the wide receiver’s hands? For your trouble, here’s some glasses and perhaps next time will result in that elusive turnover.
Joseph H. Howey Memorial Pendulum of Simple Harmonic Motion
Grab that interception and start accelerating in the opposite direction and you've got both a pick-six and a really nice pendulum to show for it, courtesy of the nerds at the Georgia Tech School of Physics.
A Kiss from that Cute Girl from Emory for Scoring, or Something
Obviously, since no girls go to Tech, a peck on the cheek is hard for the fine young men of the Tech football team to come by. No more! Whenever something totally just absolutely amazing and incredible happens on the field, she’s the first to congratulate the team from her dad’s front row seats at the 50 yard line.
Pocket Protector Pocket Protector
Too many defensive linemen invading your quarterback’s precious space on that rare occasion he steps back to throw a deep pass? This award is rarely-used, because everyone knows that the triple-option flexbone only recruits quarterbacks that don’t know how to throw, anyways. However, when the linemen do give the quarterback plenty of time to throw that wafting ball down the field, the elusive pocket protector is waiting for them on the sideline.
Offensive Efficiency Graphing Calculator
According to the calculations of the data analysis staff, gaining 4 yards per down, no less and no more, should result in a touchdown if this result is achieved every time. For your efforts, you get seven points per possession, this nifty calculator, and the number crunchers can breath a sigh of relief.
Hard Hitter Drill Press
Georgia Tech was founded on the belief that all students should have project-based learning and hands-on experience. Now, even the non-engineers on the football team can join in on the machining fun when they make a big hit on an unsuspecting opposing running back. Take that, regular dudes at the Manufacturing Related Disciplines Complex! I hear they only know mechanical engineering and angles, or something. Clearly, the only thing more satisfying than tackling for loss is driving a huge drill bit through a block of wood on the sideline.
Titanium Knee Brace
The knee brace is given to any offensive player that successfully injures a defender on a cut block or chop block. The team will never again have to fear that the offense will fail to execute the most effective one-two punch in all of sports. As they say, “you take the high road, and I’ll take the low road.”
The Golden MIT Acceptance Letter
Force a turnover? Congratulations! Now you get to transfer to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, the best engineering school on planet Earth and one of few schools that finally eliminated the distraction of football in favor of a happy academic environment.
This is a work of satire. By no means do we think these are good ideas for use by the Georgia Tech football team and the From the Rumble Seat staff who contributed do not condone the intentional injury of opposing players. Or the improper reference to the “Georgia Tech of the North,” for that matter.
Got any nifty ideas of your own? Think one of these may not actually be too bad? Let us know!