Duff’d It! Rankings and Other Accolades: Overstuffed Thanksgiving edition 2017

Hello once more, college football! The Duff’d It! Rankings have finally emerged from their post-Thanksgiving hibernation, and..... oh god, it’s Friday?? Look, between all the things consumed between Wednesday and Saturday, it’s just.... you know, it doesn’t matter, let’s just get to what you came here for: Alabama losing.

Duff’d It! Rankings

Week 12

5. South Alabama. Losing to GSU is bad, and losing 52-0 is worse. But worse than that? Well, GSU didn’t have a real coach, and that wasn’t even the real GSU!

4. Oklahoma State. You may have lost your final shot at the Big 12 Championship and a rematch with OU, Cowboys, but at least you each had a nice letter from Bill Snyder in your lockers after the game. Yes, immediately after. He’s actually getting quicker with age.

3. Utah. Sorry, Utes. You’re supposed to save your helicoptering play for the end of the game. Otherwise they have a chance to recover.

2. Pitt. You’d never think one measly yard to win the game would be such a great distance. But at Lane Stadium, they measure in Turkey Yards. A Turkey Yard looks like a yard, but it feels like thousands with the added resistant.

1. NC State. Shhhh, no more tears, Emeka Emezie. The season is almost over. And you get to end it playing

Honorable mention: Georgia Tech. Congratulations, Ted Roof: you’ve now lost as many games facing Duke as you won when you were their head coach! Quite the milestone for you there.

Week 13

5. Mississippi State. It’s been a rough week for the Bulldogs: they lost the Egg Bowl, lost their coach, and they got fake peed on. The good news is..... well, your best win still lost to Troy at home, so I got nothing for ya, Bulldogs.

4. Notre Dame. The Irish must be hiding Nic Cage somewhere close for a Hollywood sequel, because their playoff and major bowl hopes were gone in 240 seconds.

3. Wazzu. Mike Leach doesn’t even care about the Apple Cup, man. He’s all about bananas these days.

2. Miami. Ohhhh, Hurricanes. You though you had that undefeated season all nice and wrapped up, but y’all forgot who was last on the schedule: championship hope crusher Pitt. You didn’t see it coming, but Pat Narduzzi did, because he’s the leader of the Narduzzilluminati.

1. Alabama. It’s not just that Alabama lost, it’s that they looked silly, against Auburn, to drop the SEC West and fall out of playoff contention. Until after Saturday, when a major upset lets the Tide back in because THE PLAYOFF IS THE PROMISED LAND AND IT IS THE ALABAMA CRIMSON TIDE’S GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO SETTLE IT, PAWWWWWWWWWWWL.

Honorable mention: UConn. A celebration penalty pushed the Huskies out of rolling the dice and going for the win and led them to picking the safe option, which they missed, causing them to lose, and I think that’s the worst way to end a season. At least it won’t be so bad next year, Huskies. Probably.

Bozo of the week: Tennessee AD John Currie. “We’re here live via helicopter over University of Tennessee’s campus, where the student body appears to have devolved to a prehistoric savagery. They have ripped off their fashionable and practical winter clothes and are wearing them as tribal cloths. They have fashioned weapons from sticks and rock and are hunting down fleeing administration members. They seem to be mostly unaware of how fire works. We’ll keep you updated as the athletics department continues its search for a new football coach, now in its eighth month.”

SEC Conference Plays of the Week

Week 12

Georgia doesn’t throw the ball at that, and starting a true freshman at quarterback probably contributes to that. But they shouldn’t be worried about Jake Fromm’s accuracy with tosses like that. Let’s look at it from another angle:

Now that’s precision!

Mississippi State defense, your thing now is being involved in the craziest fumble plays. That’s your thing now, until someone coaches you to fall on the dang ball.

Week 13

You ever have those nightmares where you’re trying to perform some task but you’re suddenly incapable of performing the most basic function? You’re not dreaming, Jake Collins.

What’s that? An Alabama kicking attempt against Auburn ended in disaster? Noooooo.

“Oh, now you’re just piling on Alabama because you got your one and only chance to.” No, I’m piling on Alabama because, despite being good at every other single aspect of football, they’re still consistently bad at kicking. Alabama stole Georgia Tech’s kicker, didn’t give him a scholarship, and they’re still bad at it. You’re not going to make me feel bad about this!

Employee of the Month of the Week

Week 12

Jake Roth-USA TODAY Sports

Rashaad Penny, RB, San Diego State

Rashaad Penny plays should be rated based on how blurry the defenders behind him appear in photos. Like, up there, that’s in the 6-7 range. I bring this up because against Nevada, Penny carried the ball 24 times for 222 yards and two touchdowns. That’s already a solid day. But because he’s on punt return duty, he had one of those - for 70 yards and a touchdown. And because he’s also on kick return duty, he had two of those for 131 yards there, one of which went coast-to-coast, giving him another touchdown. And he also caught a pass for 6 receiving yards, because sure. That adds up to 429 total yards on the day for Penny. Who’s Marshall Faulk? Some scrub Penny just wrote out of the record books - that single game all-purpose yards record is his now.

Week 13

Logan Bowles-USA TODAY Sports

Justice Hansen, QB, Arkansas State

The Red Wolves were swinging their hammer of Justice mightily in Monroe, and they needed every ounce of its heft to claim victory over the Warhawks: 520 yards and four touchdowns on 26 for 38 passes, and 30 more yards and two more touchdowns on seven carries. Hansen’s performance has put the Red Wolves on the precipice of a Sun Belt Championship, the winner of which, I’m told, receives an actual belt that looks like the sun. Kudos to being literal, Sun Belt.