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Illuminati Picks, Week 9: Everything happens all at once

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IT IS BETTER THIS WAY

OUR AGENTS ARE EVERYWHERE

GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. WE ARE AWARE THE VAST AMOUNTS OF COLLEGE FOOTBALL CAN BE DIFFICULT TO KEEP TRACK OF, OWING TO YOUR KIND’S..... LIMITED MENTAL CAPACITIES. THERE IS SIMPLY TOO MUCH FOR MOST OF YOU TO CONSUME IN A GIVEN WEEK. THUS WE HAVE DECIDED TO OPTIMIZE IT FOR YOU. SIX OF THE FOLLOWING CONTESTS ARE ALL SET TO COMMENCE SIMULTANEOUSLY. THIS SHOULD MAKE THINGS MUCH SIMPLER FOR YOU.

VIEW LAST WEEK’S RESULTS

VIEW CURRENT STANDINGS

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets @ #7 Clemson Tigers (-14)

Whooooooo’s excited about playing a pissed-off Clemson who just came off a bye following their first loss of the season? Someone? Anyone? It’s not like Georgia Tech has ever had trouble with a Brent Venables coached defense before. I’m sure it’ll be fine.

Illuminati pick: Georgia Tech

#11 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-7.5) @ #22 West Virginia Mountaineers

This is easily the Big 12’s most exciting game this weekend, but the Mountaineers did suffer a pretty major setback this morning, as the Mountaineer was arrested for DUI. Honestly, this comes as a pretty big shock - the driving part, that is. I expect the Mountaineer to be constantly drunk on bootleg moonshine. I also expect them to live in a wooden cabin in the mountains, far away from any roads.

Illuminati pick: West Virginia

#2 Penn State Nittany Lions @ #6 Ohio State Buckeyes (-6.5)

The spotlight remains on the Nittany Lions this week. After having easily dispatched of Michigan last week, their reward is a trip to Columbus to face the other half of the Michigan-Ohio State rivalry, and I daresay the Buckeyes pose a bit more of a threat than the Wolverines did. But Trace McSorley and Saquon Barkley remain one of college football’s power couples, and if they can take down Ohio State, it’s pretty much a straight shot to the playoff for them. So, expect something to go terribly wrong.

Illuminati pick: Penn State

#3 Georgia Bulldogs (-14) vs. Florida Gators

It’s nearly Halloween, so that must mean it’s time for the World’s Largest Frat Dude Beach Invasion. Appropriately, at least one team will be arriving in Jacksonville bearing the appearance of a shambling corpse. (That’s Florida, by the way.) Georgia considers the Gators their biggest rival, but they only have six wins in the series since 1990. Georgia Tech holds more victories over the Bulldogs in that timespan, but apparently that’s not a rivalry. Weird.

Illuminati pick: Florida

#4 TCU Horned Frogs (-6.5) @ #25 Iowa State Cyclones

Ah, yes, just what we were expecting from this matchup at the beginning of the season - two ranked teams battling for the top spot in the Big 12. Yes, Iowa State is ranked. It’s been, like, what, twelve years? This year’s college freshmen were in first grade. And, as you’d expect, the Cyclones are led by a walk-on at quarterback, one Kyle Kempt. College football is the greatest sport.

Illuminati pick: TCU

#14 NC State Wolfpack @ #9 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-7.5)

Here’s a fun fact for you: Notre Dame has never scored a touchdown on NC State. Okay, that’s only a series history of two games, but one of them was objectively the best game of 2016. Now, just a short year later, both teams are pretty decent! This game actually has stakes! But man, how funny would it be if the Wolfpack keeps that streak alive?

Illuminati pick: NC State

UCLA Bruins @ #12 Washington Huskies (-17.5)

Among the giant glut of high profile afternoon kickoffs this week, we have #Pac12inthemidafternoon action as UCLA rolls into Seattle. It’s like #Pac12afterdark, minus the late night weirdness and - if you look at that point spread - any true excitement. And did I mention it’s early? 12:30pm local time. But this is Seattle, so grab a coffee from Pike’s Place and settle in. And then follow the five other, more important games going on at the exact same time.

Illuminati pick: Washington

#16 Michigan State Spartans (-2.5) @ Northwestern Wildcats

Michigan State has comfortably put last year’s disaster of a season in the rear view mirror, but the question of if they are Actually Good this year remains. Sure, they’re 6-1 and that’s great, but their largest victory over a team not from the MAC is an 8 point nailbiter vs. Indiana. Northwestern notched a win over Iowa last week, which is the customary B1G litmus test of whether your team is bad or not, so will the result of this game determine for us which of these two is actually good? Probably not, no.

Illuminati pick: Michigan State

Texas Tech Red Raiders @ #10 Oklahoma Sooners (-20)

If there’s one thing you should expect from Texas Tech-OU, it’s points. Lots and lots of points. The two have combined for 355 total points since Kliff Kingsbury took the reigns at Lubbock, and one has to go a bit further back to find scores approaching something reasonable. Last year’s matchup - a Big 12 all-timer - featured 125 alone. This column is about picks, not over/unders, but I’ll just tell you now..... maybe think about taking the over.

Illuminati pick: Texas Tech

#21 USC Trojans (-3) @ Arizona State Sun Devils

Finally, some real #Pac12afterdark action. None of that elitist, latte-sipping, Seattle bullcrap, this is Tempe! Home of crushing desert heat, and, uh, casting couches. And we all know weird stuff happens in the desert at night, and peyote isn’t even required to get there. The Trojans ride into Tempe hoping to vent some feelings on the Sun Devils after last week’s disaster against Notre Dame. Just know if they turn into actual devils, it was the peyote, and you should have known better, USC.

Illuminati pick: USC

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