GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. THE PLANET HAS ONCE AGAIN REACHED THE POINT OF ITS REVOLUTION AROUND THE STAR WHEREIN THE DAYS IN THE NORTHERN HEMISPHERE BECOME INCREASINGLY SHORTER. AS TIME’S MEANING TO US IS MINUSCULE COMPARED TO ITS MEANING TO YOU, WE ARE LARGELY UNAFFECTED BY SEASONS’ CHANGE, UNLIKE MANY OF YOU. CONTINUE VIEWING YOUR FOOT BALL GAMES. SURELY IT IS ENOUGH TO DISTRACT YOU FROM THE MARCH OF TIME, IF ONLY TEMPORARILY.
Wake Forest Demon Deacons @ Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-5.5)
2017 has been quite the season for epic rematches - Texas vs. USC, some other ones I can’t remember but surely have happened this year - but none hold a candle to Georgia Tech-Wake Forest. For while Texas and USC may have played in one of the greatest football games of our time, the Yellow Jackets and the Demon Deacons too played one quite memorable championship game back in 2006. Calvin Johnson was there. And it was in Jacksonville, the crown jewel of northeast Florida. I’ve never actually seen that game, but there’s no way it wasn’t one of the greatest games the ACC has ever seen. Right?
Illuminati pick: Georgia Tech
Tennessee Volunteers @ #1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-36)
It’s the third Saturday in October, which means it’s once again time for, uh, the Third Saturday in October. That’s what the rivalry is called.... because that’s when they play the game. Well, usually, except when the SEC first expanded in 1992 they managed to mess that up pretty consistently. Um, hey, SEC? You’re really not helping dispel that “SEC schools are dumb” stigma when you do stuff like this. Anyway, the last time Tennessee beat Alabama was in 2006, which coincidentally was the last year Nick Saban wasn’t the head coach of the Tide. Make of that what you will.
Illuminati pick: Alabama
Indiana Hoosiers @ #18 Michigan State Spartans (-6.5)
The Big Ten has so many trophy games, playing for some bits of broken chair doesn’t seem out of place at all. An Old Brass Spittoon? Sure, why not, as long as the winning team isn’t actually spitting in it after the game and wait no they totally are oh man that’s gross dude that’s totally gross
....anyway, Michigan State held the trophy from 2007 until last year, the year they went 4-8, so they’ll be fighting to win it back this year. So they can spit in it some more.
Illuminati pick: Michigan State
#20 UCF Knights (-7.5) @ Navy Midshipmen
This was going to be a really fun ranked G5 matchup between two really fun to watch AAC schools, and then Navy had to go and ruin everything by losing to Memphis last week. (Said Memphis just scored 42 in a half to come back against Houston last night, so.... they might be on a bit of a roll). It’s still worth your time, and it’s way more interesting than anything the Big 12 is throwing out this week. Plus, you can watch this and use it to imagine how the UCF-Georgia Tech game might have gone. Hopefully with no end of game defensive meltdowns.
Illuminati pick: Navy
#24 LSU Tigers (-7) @ Ole Miss Rebels
The Game Otherwise Known as the Magnolia Bowl has an added twist for the next few years, as LSU coach Ed Orgeron gets to face the school that fired him a decade ago after only three years at the helm. There’s definitely no love lost between Coach O and Ole Miss, and it’s pretty hard to blame him. (Then again, it’s weird to think he ever was offered the job in the first place - he is the quintessential Louisiana man, and Louisiana and Mississippi are worlds apart culturally). This is O’s first game back in Oxford since getting fired in 2007. He probably has some pent-up feelings to take out on the Rebels.
Illuminati pick: LSU
#19 Michigan Wolverines @ #2 Penn State Nittany Lions (-9.5)
Clemson’s loss last week in the Carrier Dome opened up the #2 spot for someone else to claim, and that someone was one Penn State. Grabbing that honor and bringing Michigan into town will get you College Gameday, and it’ll get State College, nominal population 42,000, really buzzing. Me, I’m just here to find out what directional school James Franklin compares Michigan to if the Nittany Lions win.
Illuminati pick: Michigan
#11 USC Trojans @ #13 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-3.5)
Most recent years we’ve been forced to talk about USC-Notre Dame because we’re contractually obligated to (it’s USC! It’s Notre Dame! Eyeballs, ratings, TV money, etc.), but both teams are.... actually good this year, maybe, despite USC quarterback Sam Darnold throwing the ball every which way without regard to whether he lives or dies and Notre Dame ain’t having played much of anybody yet. They do play for a Jeweled Shillelagh, though, which is just as hard to say as it is to spell.
Illuminati pick: USC
Kansas Jayhawks @ #4 TCU Horned Frogs (-38.5)
Congratulations, Kansas! You’ve been objectively terrible at football for years, and this year is no different! And for all the work you’ve put in, you’re getting rewarded with a night game! On broadcast television! That’s right, even people who don’t pay a monthly fee to watch television can still fire up their television and watch you. Which is probably a good thing, because I’m not sure why one would pay money to do so. Still, must be nice to put in minimum effort and still be rewarded with a spot on one of the biggest stages of all. You go, Jayhawks!
Illuminati pick: Kansas
Wyoming Cowboys @ Boise State Broncos (-14)
Way up in the northern Rocky Mountains, where basically nobody lives..... there’s a football game going on people might actually want to see. It’s true! Craig Bohl (formerly of the Unstoppable North Dakota State Dynasty) has done a pretty good job of coaching the Cowboys back up to Worth a Crap status, a place they hadn’t really been since leaving the WAC for the Mountain West back in 1999. Boise State is Boise State, and if you let an early season home loss to Virginia lose you on them.... well, I can’t totally blame you, but it’s still Boise, and you should know better.
Illuminati pick: Wyoming
Colorado Buffaloes @ #15 Washington State Cougars (-10)
The football week isn’t complete without #Pac12afterdark, and with only one such option this week Wazzu-CU was an easy choice for the picks. Sure, Colorado is 4-3 and Wazzu just totally embarrassed themselves in Cal last week, but the Buffs are bringing the good stuff from Boulder and getting blazed while watching the sun set over the Palouse hills doesn’t sound half-bad.
Illuminati pick: Wazzu
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