The Common Man’s approach to CFB, brought to you by the most normal person on any team.
“Everybody hurts... Sometimes.” - Dwight K. Schrute
That one hurt a good bit, not because we were gutted in the final moments like Tennessee, but because it was the slow knife that killed us. [Shoutout Talia from the batmans…]
It was sheer agony watching Miami march down the field to end the game. It occurred to me that this is exactly what it must feel like to watch us run rocket toss after rocket toss in succession. But [Foreigner] Mark Richt for doing it to us. It hurt my feelings.
Anyways, other things happened that we got to watch on the ABC family of networks, along with “The Fox”, so let’s dig into it and bury this Miami thing deep down and agree not to talk about this. That is, until we need to again somewhere around the Prop Bet of the Week portion of this week’s column.
Last but not least, WE IN THIS [BOSTON], ON A MONDAY, IN THE MORNING, KTHotW GOES TO THIS jOURN-O. [jk, but it does feel good to have my life together to the extent that I can write on a Sunday night.]
Sunday afternoon Stephen was much more enthusiastic about writing than Sunday evening Stephen was apparently. That’s what flights will do to you. Anyways, we’re still a day earlier than expectations, so let’s just roll with that?
1) What the [Hootie and The Blowfish] happened to the entire State of Washington?
The non-blue devils and non-Jack Nicklaus Golden Bears ROMPED against 2 Top Ten teams this past weekend, and started off what was a wild weekend of CFB. Guess y’all didn’t really want the national spotlight and wanna go back to doin’ Apple State stuff with your friends.
2) Talk to your kid about Bowling Army.
It’s coming. 5 wins. 125 yards passing. After a [Foreigner] explosion of 80 yards against UTEP, Army has 45 other passing yards in ITS OTHER 6 GAMES. I pegged it at 250 yards back in Week 4, and 3 wins later, here we are. They close the season with Terrible Temple, @ Air Force, Dook at home, @ The Mean Green, and Navy. My best bet is that they blow it in their games against Navy and Duke. I pray to God they do, because my children aren’t ready for this.
3) G5 matchup of the week? [new segment? thoughts?]
UCF (-8.0) @ Navy - I’d take UCF with the points here, and probaly tease it up to 11.5 if I could. UCF is sleepwalking through games, and have already prepped in part for the triple option (cringe) before their voluntarily cancelled game against Georgia Tech. I think it could serve as a What If? for us, but it should be a good watch altogether.
Things I Think I Know
1) Wisconsin has to be the least talked about Top 5 team in the country.
Sort of like Washington was last year, but it just seems weird that apart from their game against BYU, it seems like Wisconsin is flying too far under the radar. I guess it’s win and everything is business as usual in Madison.
2) Can someone please help me pick a second team.
I will not cheer for uga, and I don’t deserve Ed Orgeron on a full-time basis. I’m open to suggestions, and admit I picked the wrong time for summer love with a sailor.
3) Kicking has to be the least appreciated job in the world.
I’m gonna get on a high horse here after deflecting attention to the job for several weeks, and say that there are a very small minority of individuals on this Earth who could do what kickers do week in and week out on a football field. Not saying they have harder jobs than regular people, because they don’t. I’m saying they go underappreciated in the eyes of the public.
I know I can’t hit a 300 yard drive, let alone a straight drive, so I appreciate what golfers do on a weekly basis and don’t blame them for not trying hard enough when they miss a fairway by what ultimately is like 1 degree of club swing or whatever the metric is.
For people to not be able to comprehend how hard kicking field goals is sort of bothers me on a existential level. You don’t just try harder and it works gooder. You certainly don’t listen to anything Jay Feely says (god I hate him).
So, sorry for the rant, but this jumpstarted my otherwise calm evening of writing:
Cut the guy a break, his job is harder than yours where your biggest struggle is to come up with questions and keep secrets about who you talked to for an speculative article about another man’s livelihood.
[wow I got mad there, no journalists have hurt me in the past as best as I can remember, guess there’s some deepset stuff in my brain back there... awkward...]
Top 5 Top 5
1. Alabama’s Defense 2. Saquon Barkley 3. georgia’s inability to throw the football to a TE 4. Kenneth Football 5. Clemsoning
7 catches this year between Blazevich and Nauta. 7. Seven... someone show me Jim Chaney’s resume, because I think in 10 words or less, I could take his job. No doubt in my mind.
TARVTSBR - Kentucky?
Somehow, someway, Kentucky has 1 loss. The same Kentucky that BARELY beat Southern Mississippi. Tried to mess around and lose to EAST KENTUCKY (won by 11). And LITERALLY ALMOST LOST TO EASTERN MICHIGAN. NO SERIOUSLY THEY WERE A CONVERTED HAIL MARY FROM LOSING THAT GAME.
Now? They sit second in the $EC (L)East, and my stomach is sick, and it’s all in my head, but, THEY DON’T PLAY THE BEST (bama) NOW, STOOPS IS STILL A [BOSTON] NOW, LET ME GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
I just can’t look, it’s killing me, and taking control.
Kenny Trill Heisman of the Week
In the spirit of not having repeat winners, the true embodiment of the award, let’s look past Khalil Tate and go with 235 YARDS ON 6 FREAKING CATCHES.
James Washington - WR - Oklahoma State
But what I will never understand about these games is how you can put up this stupidness and not score more touchdowns? You put up 39 YPC and you only score once... but still, kudos to you sir.
Tin Horn Team of the Week
We’re going to go with a little bit different of a format this week. Bad offenses will take the field and get run through by good defenses. Don’t think too hard about the metaphor, it doesn’t make sense to me either.
Let’s go with 3 various wing-ed beasts, then a hybernating bear.
Kansas You earned 106 total yards in a shutout loss to Iowa State. You gives me a sad. I don’t know what’s more sad though, 1.7 YPA passing or 1.9 YPC running the ball.
Oregon You put up an Army stat line passing [more on this to come]. 33 yards on 13 attempts. Turns out Braxton Burmeister (all Ivy-League name) is not the Ducks QB of the future. Ya think?
Louisville YOU GAVE UP 45 POINTS. TO THIS
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. You have to be better than this... Also, UofL has lost 6 of their last 10 games, with a Heisman winner at the helm. Seems like Petrino is finished using his secret weapon. Guess he lasted longer than you can say about other UofL coaches.
And finally, with a more traditional Tin Horn performace:
Baylor You allowed 471 in the air, and then another 276 on the ground. Good for a Big [Aerosmith] plane worth of yardage.
Does Tech Need a Tee [Boston]?
So, whenever GTBob puts up the game film (all praise this man). I would first, encourage you to not watch it. Second, I would encourage you to fast forward to the Miami drive immediately following the freak onside kick for a touchdown by Lamont Simmons. For the purposes of this blog at time of writing, I’ll throw an endorsement to this video.
[waits for you to watch it]
This I submit as indisputable video evidence that the Tee [Boston] has to be more important than a lot of other people that take part in gamedays. He ranks above the “Get Back” guy on the sideline but just below the TV Timeout Red Shirt Guy.
@StateOftheU , come get your [boston]. I don’t know where he went, I just know he’s missing.
Prop Bet of the Week
Last week’s Prop Bet - Tech turnover margin: O/U -1.5
For once in the life of this sport’s blog it seems like, we hit a freaking OVER.
It was still -1, and sure that statistically was the difference in the game, but it’s fine and we’re over it now.
This Week’s Bet: Points for the loser of Wake @ Tech - O/U 18.5
These two teams enter the game with a Points Allowed average of 16.7 and 20.2 respectively. Their offenses average 32.5 PPG, so I’m hesitant to not raise this line. but here’s where it will stand, hopefully something happens that makes Tech win and also hit whatever the opposite is of whatever the majority of you bet. It’s not spiteful, it’s what’s best for business.
The More You Know [TRIGGER WARNING]
(Eaux)de to the O
Everyone got that? Good. Hold that Tiga’.
T’s & P’s
This is the most disrespectful stiff arm of the year pic.twitter.com/LVlq1pkWAE— Barstool Sports (@barstooltweetss) October 14, 2017
Go out to Louisville’s defense. How’s that DC trade with Mississippi State working out for both of y’all? That might be worse than the Leonard Fournette one from that Miss. St. game
OH GOD I TAKE IT BACK. HE SKID FOR LIKE 3 YARDS ONCE HE BOUNCED OFF THE GROUND.
Let’s see what still stands after the week that was:
The Apple Cup loser, VPISU, UVA, The Loser/Winner of UCF/USF, Texas Tech, TCU, SDSU, Ohio State (this will come back to kill me, I know it), Notre Dame, NC State, Navy, Michigan State, Kentucky, Georgia Tech, Alabama, Auburn, Clemson (maybe?), uga, Miami, Oklahoma State, Penn State, USC, The Apple Cup Winner, and Wisconsin.
Can we go ahead and eliminate the following? Let me know and we’ll officially clip the following schools from the running:
UVA (b/hooooo), USF (they are going to get speared into the Earth by job-hunting Scott Frost), Notre Dame (bleh), Michigan State (nothing clever, just simple too much talent in the B1G for them to
stay at get to the top), Kentucky (previously damned), Auburn (see Michigan State), Miami (see Auburn and my vengeance).
Can we get rid of all these teams and sleep better than we did on Saturday night?
This poll is closed
You’re gonna regret this
But Miami really is good though...
shut up Richy (assumptive UM fan name)
And Crees sighed...
[Column Note: This week’s segment ran real long as did tensions post-game within the head of our Crees. Please hope his test goes well, because that might be the thing that gets him to this Saturday’s 10-round bout with stress-induced heart failure. The entirety of the 1,185 word segment will be completed in the FanPosts section, so as to not invoke a riot in the comments section. See the full rant in the FanPosts section here at your own risk.]
“As Miami was making their late 1st half touchdown drive, I was watching the game on one half of my screen while studying for my Machine Learning midterm on the other half (find me a Miami fan doing that [Supertramp (learning)], I dare you). I pulled myself away from studying to watch our stellar defense clamp down and take a 14-6 lead into halftime. I was slightly annoyed at our offense wasting two opportunities to score, but I felt good about the game overall. All of a sudden, Miami goes 77 yards in 1:47 to score as the clock basically expires. To no one in particular, I say "wow, we're gonna blow this game". Tell me I have no faith or whatever you want, but Tech has trained me (get it? cause machine learning haha kill me) to have such thoughts. Later that evening as I kept checking the game on my phone at every red light I came to, I let my brain entertain the thought of us actually beating Miami. Up at the half? Up at the start of the 4th? UP WITH FIVE MINUTES LEFT IN THE FOURTH? It was too good to be true. As I stood in line waiting to order delicious tacos, I watched them kick the game winning field goal. My blood starting boiling over as I began to think about how many times I've seen this happen. Now, if you'll join me, I'd like to rant about our ability to finish games, especially Ted Roof's Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad (soft) D[efense]...”
As always, thanks for reading, and hopefully next week I'll be bringing you all the column at its normal time, preferably on Monday, preferably in the morning. Just like the doctor ordered.