GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. MANY OF YOU ARE AWARE THE ANSWER TO ONE OF YOUR GREATEST MYSTERIES IS SET TO BE REVEALED IN JUST A FEW HOURS. SOME OF YOU MAY ALSO RECALL THAT WAS ALSO SET TO BE UNVEILED A WEEK PRIOR. DO NOT HAVE CONCERNS ABOUT THE STATUS OF YOUR MEMORIES, FRAGILE THOUGH THEY MAY BE. SOME OF OUR SERVANTS HAVE HAD..... DIFFICULTY FULLY UNDERSTANDING OUR COMMANDS. IT IS A SLIGHT MALFUNCTION EXPERIENCED BY SOME OF YOUR KIND, BUT ESPECIALLY BY THOSE IN YOUR NATIONAL COLLEGIATE ATHLETIC ASSOCIATION. THE MEMBERS OF YOUR SPECIES WHICH DWELL THERE ARE.... DIFFICULT TO CONTROL. WE HAVE SURMISED MANY OF THEM SHARE SIMILAR MALFUNCTIONS, RESULTING IN EXTREMELY ILLOGICAL, ERRATIC BEHAVIOR. REST ASSURED ONES SUCH AS THOSE WILL BE PREVENTED FROM EVER ASCENDING BEYOND THEIR PITIFUL STATE.
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets @ #11 Miami Hurricanes (-6)
You really have to hand it to the ‘Canes - they really have a college football atmosphere like no other at Joe Robbie Stadium - I mean, Pro Player Park - wait, no, Pro Player Stadium - wait, hold on, no, it’s Dolphins Stadium - sorry, I got it wrong again, it’s Dolphin Stadium - actually no, hold on, it’s Land Shark Stadium - oh wow, this is embarrassing, it’s actually Sun Life Stadium.
It’s Hard Rock Stadium now. At least we got that settled. What was I talking about?
Illuminati pick: Miami
#6 TCU Horned Frogs (-6) @ Kansas State Wildcats
You may want to look away from this game if you’re Uni Watch founder Paul Lukas. Otherwise, you’re gonna totally want to tune in as TCU travels to the house Bill Snyder built. Yeah, the Wildcats lost in 2OT last week, but Snyder still has a big ol’ plate of chocolate chip cookies waiting for you, TCU. Seems nice, doesn’t it? But that’s where he gets you - he’s hoping you’ll be too full to focus on the game. Ever tried blocking a 300 pound golem of a human after gorging yourself on cookies? It’s not pretty. Not at all.
Illuminati pick: TCU
#12 Oklahoma Sooners (-8) vs. Texas Longhorns
A year ago in this very column, I advised then-OU coach Bob Stoops he needed to beat Tom Herman (then at Houston) before Herman got picked up by Texas. This was going to be Stoops’ only shot to realistically beat Herman, and he blew it! And then Texas hired Herman, just as had been promised (#illuminaticonfirmed). Stoops took his ball and went home, and now he’ll never get a chance to lose to Herman in the Red River Shootout. And that’s totally what would have happened, because this is the Red River Shootout.
Illuminati pick: Texas
Florida State Seminoles (-7) @ Duke Blue Devils
It’s almost not even a fair fight. Why are they even playing this game? It’s just wrong to send lovable losers FSU to the dragon’s den that is Wallace Wade Stadium to take on a Duke team looking for blood after suffering a major setback to their ACC title game hopes. Those poor Noles. Do they have any idea what’s in store for them?
Illuminati pick: FSU
#25 Navy Midshipmen @ Memphis Tigers (-3.5)
We’re dipping into the G5 conferences a bit this week, because it’s light on high profile matches, and because hey, look, it’s Navy and Memphis, y’all. It’s gonna be full of points, and the winner will start looking at the inside track to a New Year’s Six bowl. Plus, lots more Zach Abey. It’ll be fun.
Illuminati pick: Navy
#21 Michigan State Spartans (-4) @ Minnesota Golden Gophers
New Minnesota coach PJ Fleck rowed the boat a lot when he was coaching at Western Michigan. Now he’s rowing the boat in his mouth. Honestly, as far as trash talk goes, this isn’t really that bad - he did coach in the state of Michigan for the past several years, so he has a pretty good idea about this. Plus, it’s really complimenting Michigan State. It’s not even trash talk towards the Spartans at all. Dang it, PJ, you’re going to have to get better at this.
Illuminati pick: Michigan State
Utah Utes @ #13 USC Trojans (-12.5)
This was all set up to be a big-time showdown between two highly ranked teams for the top spot in the Pac-12 South.... and then the Utes had to ruin it all by losing to Stanford last week. At least BYU can entertain us with their mascot while their on-field product is subpar. What are you going to do to distract us from this, Utes?
Illuminati pick: Utah
Boise State Broncos @ #19 San Diego State Aztecs (-6.5)
It’s the biggest Mountain West showdown since..... well, the last one. Boise State was definitely involved in that one as well. And the one before that. And before that as well. Boise has been a pretty big player in the Mountain West game ever since leaving the WAC, but this year the South (...ern California) got something to say. The Aztecs are two-time defending conference champs and actually have more wins in those two years than the Broncos. But the two haven’t faced each other in those two years, so it’s about time to finally settle this. Settle what? You know...... this. Has to be settled.
Illuminati pick: SDSU
Oregon Ducks @ #23 Stanford Cardinal (-10.5)
This week’s #Pac12afterdark comes to you from the heart of the Silicon Valley, where the things that go on after dark...... can get extra, uh, after-dark-y. I’m not getting into that here; it’s not suitable. Ever since the Pac-12 instituted a championship game, this game had decided the Pac-12 North winner.... until two years ago, where Oregon emerged victorious but Stanford took the north anyway. And last year, when Oregon just got dunked on by just about everybody. But that was then. They’ve got Willie “Swaggart” Taggart on their sideline now. It’s a fresh, new Oregon. One that still needs some more time, sure, but new nonetheless.
Illuminati pick: Stanford
San Jose State Spartans @ Hawaii Warriors (-17.5)
You know what? Screw it - week 7 sucks and it should be ashamed of itself. Scraping up ten interesting games for this week was difficult, so I stopped at nine and am finishing with a terrible San Jose State team facing a not much better Hawaii team. Have you ever watched a Hawaii home game? Not sober, you haven’t. Hawaii is six hours behind Eastern Daylight time. It’s what #pac12afterdark watches after they’re done with their stuff. The Hawaii broadcast team are shameless Warriors homers who always wear Hawaiian shirts. Is it the best football you’ll ever watch? Not since 2007, no. But it’s college football, and its warm glow will keep you company until the wee hours of the morning.
Illuminati pick: SJSU
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