The Common Man’s approach to CFB, brought to you by the most normal person on any team.
“My methodology is not knowing what I'm doing and making that work for me.” - Stone Gossard
While it was the week of byes, I think we might’ve lost this one. Butch Jones won back his Life Championship belt after being quoted as saying “I thought it was if not the best bye week, one of the best bye weeks we’ve had here in a very long time.”
So, for all of those of you who thought we were safe from moral losses this week, boy were you wrong. But guess what? NONE OF THAT [BOSTON STYX] MATTERS. Cus your [former] starting QB
is could be transferring in the very near future. Oh well, another day in the life at Rocky Top.
So that little aside has nothing to do with the above quote, that was meant to inspire some enlightenment in your day to day dust up with the world. You don’t have to have all the answers, take your blows as they come, and when the defense shifts before every snap, take a couple of seconds and reevaluate your assignments, then RUN THAT [METALLICA FOREIGNER] DOWN THEIR THROAT.
I hate Miami. Welcome to mini Hate Week. I will be your guide.
1) This week was a lot of fun to watch. Good thing I was stuck in the mountains watching ugag in the most boring home game ever. Dumb uga fans did the buy all the seats thing, and by halftime, the stadium was basically 8% Vandy fans. Oh how I cherished the times we spent together Vandy. But life (and Lorenzo Carter) tore us apart. I wish you all the best, and please go out there and break some hearts, I’ll be thinking of you.
2) On a similar note, LSU against Florida was also not the game to watch. Again, powerless to control the remote around the crowd I was with, guess who missed the Miami-F$U game? This guy. This sets up what is going to be an awesome game this Saturday. Tuesday night on the College Football Top 25 show on ESPN, Herbie again professed his love of Tech and said Johnson knows how to get the offense going and to watch out for us at Miami. Fowler then proceeded to make a cut blocking joke, and how it doesn’t injure anyone in practice. Not sarcastic at all.
3) Can we revisit how scary UCF is? Now I am no expert on the inner workings of the P6 conference that is the American Athletic Conference, but [Duran Duran], UCF is OBLITERATING PEOPLE. Memphis just beat UConn by like 50 points, and UCF clobbered them. Not saying we lose that game, but I think it ends in a tie at worst. (I know that’s not a thing, we can’t all be the NFL.)
Things I Think I Know
1) Could the SEC East be worse than everyone else? There are a grand total of 1 good teams in the $EC (L)East, and it seems like the question is worth begging. With what ESPN should call a cupcake schedule (Washington), but won’t because it means more in the SEC, it is 100% realistic to say ugag will enter the Auburn game undefeated. And most of the parts of me aren’t okay with that. Partially because we have the hardest remaining schedule in the nation while they are afforded the opportunity to skate by with the 22nd SOS remaining. Actually, that seems flawed considering Auburn is the only game they aren’t currently favored in, and Tech is 2nd still giving them a 73.7% chance of winning.
2) I’m buying the narrative, the Big 12 got their ish together. TCU seems to be playing to not lose (more on this to come), and everyone except OU took care of business this past weekend. Where the conference will, as a collective whole, shoot themselves in the foot will be when they play a conference championship after already playing everyone in their conference during the regular season. Take a moment to think about that in the shower, and it’ll have you wondering why anything matters...
3) People are going to make a big deal out of Clemson and Bama not looking great. But does it really matter as long as they won the game? Because until someone else plays in the National Championship in Arthur Blanks giant metal butthole of a stadium, I don’t care as long as the Defenses of each team keep showing up and W’s keep coming up on the scoreboard. The hype of Alabama-Clemson III is already building, and I’m all in for it if it means that loser that got the [Aerosmith] tat of the TRIGGER WARNING (uga 2017 national champions) looks like a fool.
4) Before anyone asks, I’ll get out in front of this. Florida State is the best 1-win team in the country. S&P+ currently puts them at #12 in the country, but their on-field results are quickly catching up to the preseason projections that are currently propping them up. Blackman showed flashes, but there are other underlying issues to this team that are going to keep pulling them down. The next best 1-win team? #79 UNCheat that dropped 18 slots after getting paddled by the nuns of Our Mother (Notre Dame for you English speakers).
5) If anyone has a recommendation of a team I should get behind to kill. Let me know. Applications are open again after I successfully helped murder Cornelius Vanderbilt. Or at least the spirit of him/his school/his school’s football team.
6) Poll Results With a resounding 137 of 175 votes (78%) Your Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets were voted the best 3-win team in the nation. I guess this is still true, as all of the other teams in the poll won last week, giving them 4 wins. Technically correct again. Proud of y’all.
Top 5 Top 5
- Alabama 2. Clemson 3. ugag 4. Penn State (this won’t last, just wait on it) 5.TCU
TARVTSBR - UVA. For the first team in a hot minute, Virginia is way above .500, and not like in a 1-0 kind of way. A buddy of mine texted me this yesterday. “tbh I don’t think we ever lose again.” That is the highest of highs from someone who went to a school that won 17 games since we started college. In his honor/for his sanity, they get a ranking this week from me if no one else.
Kenny Trill Heisman of the Week
We are still building. The Quarterback formerly known as Kenny Trill could be disappearing in front of our very eyes, having gotten enough XP to evolve into one Ken Hill. (Johnathan Football is still my favorite nickname of all time, but Kenathan DID NOT test well with focus groups). But for now, the change is in process, so this segment will retain it’s name.
But this week’s KTHotW has to go to:
Khalil Tate - QB - Utah
12-13 passing, and 327 yards on the ground. On 14 carries. Go find the highlights for that game because Colorado should get fired for letting this happen. Like seriously, every time the ball didn’t go to anyone else on the field, it was like a 50 yard gain.
Speaking of which....
Tin Horn Team of the Week
Not going to Buffalo because the 7OT thriller shouldn’t count against their defensive totals, but will instead go to the aforementioned Colorado Buffaloes (post-write note: this is ironically funny, both being Buffaloes. It’s 1:00am and I have a huge headache.) Crazy that Arizona didn’t win this game by more, but this week’s THTotW needed every bit of yardage he could get to outlast the Buffs, 45-42.
Does Tech Need a Tee [Boston]?
Time to make things right Shea. Run someone on that field to pick up the tee. For my sake. It’s what now uber-famous buttkicker.com would want.
Prop Bet of the Week
ATS: Georgia State (-1.5) @ Coastal Carolina. Georgia State covers. Also answer to the question: “Things I would never expect to hear”. Georgia State is having an infinitely better season than Georgia Southern, both figuratively and literally in terms of winning percentage.
So after entirely missing the boat on the Prop Bet last week, I’ll roll it over to this week.
This week’s prop bet: Turnover Margin for Tech O/U: -1.5
Matchup to watch this week will be the A-backs and O-line against the linebacker core of Miami. If turnovers happen, expect them to be generated by this very young but talented group from the Hurricanes. If we can not turn the ball over, look for Miami’s offensive Success Rate to win or loss the game. Because for better or worse, our offense is going to run how it runs, and it will take a strong defensive showing to win this game on the road. Hopefully all 10,000 real Miami fans show up to the game, and they don’t get the fair weather fans behind them this early in the season.
Also, the comments section provided a vague additional O/U this week. # of reference made by this column. I’m going to win this bet by influencing it myself and make y’all read my writing this week. So let me know what the number was and how you can hand me my chips and let me leave the table and head straight to the cashier.
The More You Know and Time is a Flat Circle
A fun look back at a 2009 Andy Staples article about everyone’s favorite Johnson.
Lots of similarities, and guess what, WE WON THAT CLEMSON GAME. Oh yea, AND THE SECOND ONE AGAINST THEM. (The NCAA can kiss my [aerosmith])
Everything about that 2009 team is still being said today it seems like, and I guess it’s good in a sense and bad in another sense. Oh well, and least there’s no buyouts being paid in the football department.
(Eaux)de to the O
"Hopefully they can get up a little earlier and put a little something in their coffee.” - Head Ball Coach Ed Orgeron
Welcome to our world Ed. We do it every weekend. Somebody has to play a noon game, and your number was called this week against Auburn. Enjoy watching us at 3:30 on ABC.
More Kicking Articles...
It just keeps happening. I can’t stop it. You can’t stop it. It crushes my spirit to scroll the internet on Saturdays and Sundays. My spirit is broken, but my body carries on to serve the greater good of the public.
Recapping last week’s eliminations:
So here we go: Wake, West Virginia, The Apple Cup loser, VPISU, Thomas Jefferson U, The U[tes], Frank Wilson’s hype train, The Loser of UCF/USF, The Winner of UCF/USF, TTU, Texas A&M, Kenny Trill U, SDSU, Oregon, The loser of Bedlam, Ohio State, Notre Shame, NCST, Navy, Minnetonka, Sparty, Harbaugh’s Effort Academy, Maryland, Lamar Jackson, Less Popular Stoops U, Bill Snyder, Tech, UF, The Dookies.
Nail in the coffin to: Wake, WVU, Utah, UTSA, A&M, Oregon, Oklahoma, Minnesota, Michigan, Maryland, Louisville, Kansas State, Florida, and Duke.
Still pending doom: The Apple Cup loser, VPISU, UVA, The Loser/Winner of UCF/USF, Texas Tech, TCU, SDSU, Ohio State (this will come back to kill me, I know it), Notre Dame, NC State, Navy, Michigan State, Kentucky, Georgia Tech.
Eliminated from contention from the field of 12: Oklahoma. This is a bad loss... no way around it. ISU played a LB at QB for a significant portion of the game... and won.
Remaining: Alabama, Auburn, uga, Miami, Oklahoma State, Penn State, USC, Washington(s), and Wisconsin.
And Crees sighed...
The boy writes this week, having submitted his words in clear form to me on time... now get ready to sigh with me. 3...2...1...
“Sup y'all. I'm Crees, and I'm here to tell you some things that I hate about the current state of college football. I have other opinions on other stuff sometimes, but who cares.
1. UMass and Baylor. These two have yet to give me a win for my fantasy team. They are a perpetual drain on my human resolve.
2. georgia's kevin durant schedule. What kind of world are we in where Notre Dame is the best team they've played? I mean, how hard is it to look good when you're playing Samford, Butch Jones' last of 9 lives, and Vanderbilt (who I can't even think of a joke for because what the [Hall and Oates] is memorable about Vandy?).
3. Day games. Oh we get a night game against Wake for Homecoming? Great, can't wait to watch it alone from the reception at my cousin's wedding in Salem, MA while my parents keep trying to get me to socialize.
4. Restaurants with improper team allegiances. Where did I choose to go to lunch on Saturday at 1:30 while home for a beach weekend with friends? The biggest uga place in my entire hometown (yeah I don't keep up with uga's schedule, sue me). Did I have fun hearing about how Jake Fromm is "probably the best quarterback in the SEC" and Nick Chubb "is the most underrated player in the country" while 65 year olds cheered for every 3 yard rush? No I did not. Was the chicken sandwich I ordered delicious enough to make the experience tolerable? Yes it was.
You get the bag and fumble it, I GET THE BAG AND FLIP IT AND TUMBLE IT pic.twitter.com/N7y6GUEm6L— Barstool Miami (@BarstoolUMiami) October 7, 2017
The turnover chain is so ridiculous to me (as are the various other similar trophies other schools apparently now do). You should go out and play hard because you want to win and you have the drive to compete. Not because you might get rewarded with a fake chain you can wear for a few minutes. Little bit of a hot take here, but I have the same thoughts on pump up speeches. Why do you need a pump up speech? You get to go out and compete for your school in front of thousands of screaming fans. You get to go out and play the game you love. You get to compete for the thrill of victory. Why is that not enough? I can deal without all the overblown pump up speeches about "going into battle" and all the other stupid metaphors. If you don't already have the inherent drive to compete your hardest, you don't belong on the field/court/etc. in the first place. /rant.”
Nothing but sauciness and sighs from the boy wonder. ‘Til next time.
As always, thanks for reading, and hopefully next week I'll be bringing you all the column at its normal time, preferably on Monday, preferably in the morning. Just like the doctor ordered.
Final Reference Count: 12.
Tallied as any non-cover photo pictures, gifs, hyperlinks (exlcuding player profiles), and tweets.
Obligatory UNDER SZN mention. Have a great week everyone.