Week six of college football is in the books, and boy, do we have a problem with FAKE NEWS from the FAKE MEDIA. It’s everywhere. All those expectations the FAKE MEDIA is placing on Bama? Rat poison! Expectations on FAU? Also rat poison! Do players need to take real actual reps in the weight room? Naw, they can take leadership reps!
...Okay, in this case, I’m pretty sure it’s Butch Jones making things up. I can’t believe Georgia Tech lost to this doofus. It’d almost be like if the US soccer team lost to Trinidad.
Duff’d It! Rankings, Week 6
5. FSU. We’re talkin’ ‘bout the Noles a lot in this here column this season, and to be honest, we couldn’t be happier! Except this one time, because this time Miami’s back, and now it’s all your fault, FSU. Think about what you’ve done.
4. Florida. LSU fans knew it all along! The Gators were too scared to play LSU in Gainesville last year, so they moved that game to Baton Rouge so they could get the easy win and weep the sweet, sweet Outback Bowl rewards (a lifetime supply of Bloomin’ Onions!) But ya can’t escape going back home forever, Florida. Sooner or later you know you’d have to face the Tigers where you never want to face them: your own home.
3. Louisville. I’m sure the Cardinals got sick of the NC State wolf howl in Carter-Finley Stadium by the end of the first half, and then they kept having to hear it, and then, after losing, the clock struck midnight, ensuring more wolf noises to keep them awake until the morning. A-WHOOOOOOOOO, Wolfpack of Raleigh!
2. Michigan. Not too long ago, one brave writer dared ask if Michigan could beat a Michigan State team that was better than 3-9. The answer: nope!
1. Oklahoma. Hey, uh, I’m here to deliver a flag? Yeah, it was sent here from Columbus. COD, so, hope you have that handy. Yeah, there was a note with instructions on where to put it, but [looks at note] yeah, no, I’m not going to read it. It also said, “doesn’t feel so great now, does it?”
Honorable mention: that Western Michigan fan who ran out to hug her brother after scoring a touchdown in overtime, but this was just the first overtime in a game that went to seven overtimes. Yeah, that happened. I can understand supporting your own flesh and blood, but Buffalo is a 400 mile drive from Kalamazoo unless you’re Jeff Hardy and thus banned from entering Canada, so I feel like simply being there would have been enough.
Bonus space because this is my article and I can do that: the United States men’s national soccer team. OH MY GOD ARE YOU SERIOUS
ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS NOT LOSE TO TRINIDAD
AND YOU LOST
YOU TWEETED OUT VIDEO OF PIGGYBACK RIDES THE DAY BEFORE AND THEN FORGOT TO GET UP FOR THE GAME
(GO AHEAD AND JUST GIVE THAT TWITTER HANDLE TO THE WOMENS TEAM BY THE WAY THEY HAVEN’T EVER HAD MUCH TROUBLE WINNING WORLD CUPS IN THE PAST, MUCH LESS MAKING THEM)
AND YOU WASTED A FULL CYCLE OF CHRISTIAN PULISIC IN HIS PRIME
CHRISTIAN PULISIC, THE FREDDY ADU/JULIAN GREEN/WHAT HAVE YOU THAT WAS ACTUALLY GOOD THIS TIME AND WOULD USER IN A NEW ERA OF PROSPERITY FOR US SOCCER
I HATE ALL OF YOU AND HOPE TO SEE NEWS OF YOUR FIRINGS AND/OR RESIGNATIONS ON THIS SPORTS BLOG NETWORK BY NOON
SEC Conference Plays of the Week
What happened to John O’Korn here? Did he slip and fall? Was it a flop? Did he get pulled by one of the Michigan State assistant coaches behind him? Or......... did he just get pulled out of the Matrix? Oh my god, are we all in the Matrix??
*stares at kick*
Hoo boy. The last time I saw a kick that far off the mark I was in El Paso. That was a weird trip and I prefer not to talk about it. But I’m thinking Wake Forest’s kicker may have made a recent visit.
Employee of the Month of the Week
Khalil Tate, QB, Arizona
There are several creatures native to the Sonoran Desert known for their speed. The roadrunner. The bobcat. The blue-banded gila monster. None of them have set any college football records. Khalil Tate has. He threw twelve completed passes with only a single miss for 154 yards and a touchdown vs. Colorado, but he did way more than that: Tate rushed for four touchdowns and 327 yards on only 14 carries, good enough for 23.4 yards per carry and more than good enough to set a new FBS record for rushing yards by a quarterback.
So congratulations, Khalil Tate! Your reward is this extra-large nalgene bottle, useful for keeping hydrated in the desert of Arizona.