GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. THE TENTH MONTH IS NIGH AND SOON THE COLD GRIP OF SEASONAL DEPRESSION SHALL BE UPON YOU. REST ASSURED THIS IS A HUMAN DEFECT WE ARE ATTEMPTING TO CORRECT AS A DEPRESSED, UNMOTIVATED POPULATION IS NOT USEFUL TO US.
DO NOT THINK WE ARE NOT AWARE OF THE RESULT OF HOSTILITIES BETWEEN GEORGIA TECH AND CLEMSON, FOR WE INDEED HEARD YOUR CRIES OF “OH, ILLUMINATI, WHY HAVE YOU ABANDONED US?” THIS SIMULTANEOUSLY PUTS TOO MUCH AND TOO LITTLE FAITH IN US, FOR AS YOU KNOW OUR INTENT IS GRANDER THAN THE OUTCOME OF A SINGULAR COLLEGE FOOTBALL GAME, YET ALL IS ULTIMATELY FOR THE BETTERMENT OF YOUR KIND. ALL WILL BE MADE CLEAR TO YOU ONE DAY, AND ON THAT DAY YOU WILL THANK US.
YOU MAY VIEW DETAILED RESULTS FROM LAST WEEK HERE. AS ALWAYS, YOU MAY ACCESS OUR REPOSITORY TO VIEW YOUR PREVIOUS RESULTS.
#14 Miami Hurricanes @ Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (+7)
Oh hey, look, Mark Richt is back in Atlanta. I’m sure that’ll go over well. The combination of him being a former Georgia coach and a current Miami certainly won’t give him Iron Shiek levels of heat or anything.
I’m totally fine, y’all. Really. Everything’s fine. I’m not mad, I’m actually laughing. It’s funny to me.
Illuminati pick: Georgia Tech
#7 Stanford Cardinal @ #10 Washington Huskies (-3)
#Pac12afterdark starts a day early this week, and it’s bringing one of the weekend’s best games. Stanford and do-everything guy Christian McCaffrey are already up 2-0 in Pac-12 play bringing it up to Seattle to give the Huskies their first true test. It might be Friday, but why would you skip this for high school football?
That’s actually a serious question. You’re not actually going to skip this for high school football, are you?
Illuminati pick: Stanford
#11 Tennessee Volunteers @ #25 Georgia Bulldogs (+4)
After finally exorcising their Florida demons, Tennessee has to be feeling like they can beat just about anybody. But now they play a tough game on the road against - hey, what? Georgia’s still ranked after losing by 31 points. I really wasn’t joking about the SEC last week. It just means more, y’all. Not the losses. Don’t look at those.
Illuminati pick: Tennessee
#8 Wisconsin Badgers @ #4 Michigan Wolverines (-11)
The cruel, uncaring college football scheduling gods - uh, I mean, the ever kind and wonderful Illuminati - gave Wisconsin a brutal stretch of @Michigan State, @Michigan, and Ohio State in consecutive games. (At least they were kind enough to throw in a bye week in there.) The Badgers passed their first test with flying colors, having no trouble against the Spartans, but things should be a bit tougher in Ann Arbor. If they can win at least one of the next two, they’ll probably end up somewhere pretty nice for Barry Alvarez’s biannual guest coaching appearance.
Illuminati pick: Wisconsin
Navy @ Air Force (-7)
We’ve finally made it to the first of this year’s Commander in Chief’s Trophy games, or, as I like to call it, the FREEDOM Series. The winner of this game has gone on to win the trophy for the past twenty years, mostly because Army hasn’t been any good for almost all of that stretch. Anyhoo, Navy is chugging along at 3-0 even after losing staring quarterback Tago Smith in their opener, while the Falcons tout the second highest rush yards per game this season. And, of course, both teams play in run-first option offenses. It’s football how it oughta be. Watch the game while hugging an eagle.
Illuminati pick: Navy
Oklahoma Sooners @ #21 TCU Horned Frogs (+4)
Ya know, this game looked a lot better when I saw it on the schedule. OU’s had a rough early season with losses to Houston and Ohio State, while TCU has had an easy go against South Dakota State, Iowa State, SMU, and hey, look over there and not at that home loss to Arkansas. Anyway, that’s how a ranked TCU team is a home dog to a 1-2 OU. Another OU loss would make next week’s Red River Shootout veeeeeeery interesting. But, really, so would a win.
Illuminati pick: TCU
Memphis Tigers @ #16 Ole Miss Rebels (-15)
Few people know this, but Memphis-Ole Miss is one of the south’s biggest blood feuds. Actually, no one knows this, because that’s a lie and the Rebels have won 48 of 61 games in the series. Still, Memphis did beat Ole Miss last year, and it wasn’t exactly close, either. Justin Fuente is no longer helming the program, but the Tigers still scored 120 points in the past two games. They’ll set your house on fire and won’t even care.
Illuminati pick: Memphis
South Florida Bulls @ Cincinnati Bearcats (+6)
Tampa Bay - Cincy sounds like a terrible NFL game. Luckily, this is college football and there is no such thing. (Okay, there was Kansas-Rutgers last year.) USF and Cincy are both good AAC teams whose only blemish is a honorable loss to a top 10 team - yeah, Cincy lost 40-16 to Houston, but two late pick-sixes make that gap deceptively large, and USF managed to put 35 on FSU. The winner of this game will continue to possibly be in consideration to receive an invite to the Big 12, maybe.
Illuminati pick: Cincy
#18 Utah Utes @ California Golden Bears (-2)
Undefeated Utah has come down with a massive case of DISRESPEK’ on the road against 2-2 Cal, who have losses to San Diego State and Arizona State. This seems like a pretty major slight against the Utes, until you look at their schedule and realize it has a heapin’ helpin’ of ain’t played nobody. Just look at their schedule: Southern Utah, 1-3 BYU, San Jose State, and.... USC? Does a win over the Trojans mean nothing anymore? The ghost of Lane Kiffin continues to haunt Los Angeles.
Illuminati pick: Utah
#3 Louisville Cardinals @ #5 Clemson Tigers (+2)
Yeah, ‘natch, that’s two top 5 ACC schools playing each other, and neither of them are Florida State! (Alright, I’ve hit my “talkin’ ‘bout the Noles” quota for the month.) Lamar Jackson keeps setting fires everywhere he goes (he’s up to 25 total touchdowns in four games), and Clemson... well, they haven’t exactly been lighting it up on offense, but they still have Deshaun Watson, and their defense is nothing short of terrifying. Watch this game; y’all won’t regret it.
Illuminati pick: Louisville