GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. WE ADDRESS YOU A DAY EARLIER THAN USUAL THIS WEEK AS IT HAS OCCURRED TO US A GAME OF SOME IMPORT TO YOU IS OCCURRING ON A THURSDAY RATHER THAN THE CONVENTIONAL DAY OF SATURN. WHILE IT IS TRUE WE CONSTRUCTED THE SCHEDULE OURSELVES SOME TIME AGO, BELIEVING THAT WE CONTINUED TO HOLD SUCH MINUTIAE IN YOUR MINDS AFTER RELEASING THE INFORMATION TO THE MASSES DEMONSTRATES CLEAR IGNORANCE OF OUR PRIORITIES.
WERE YOU PERFECT, WE COULD ADDRESS YOU AT THE NORMAL TIME, ASSURED YOU ALL WOULD BE ABLE TO SUBMIT YOUR PREDICTIONS WITHIN THE ABBREVIATED SCHEDULE. BUT AS WE ALL KNOW, YOU ARE NOWHERE NEAR APPROACHING EVEN THE FAINTEST OF GLIMMER OF PERFECT. THUS WE RELEASE THIS WEEK’S PREDICTIONS NOW, TO KEEP YOU FROM COMPLAINING. THE COMPLAINTS THEMSELVES NEVER FALL ON OUR EARS, BUT WE FIND THE LOW, CONSISTENT DRONE IRRITATING, SO WE DO ATTEMPT TO MINIMIZE IT WHENEVER POSSIBLE.
AS ALWAYS, THE RESULTS FROM PREVIOUS WEEKS ARE AVAILABLE IN OUR REPOSITORY.
#5 Clemson Tigers @ Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (+10)
[setting: Dabo Swinney’s Wednesday press conference]
Swinney: PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME CLEMSON IS CURSED IN ATLANTA, BUT I’LL TELL YOU SOMETHING: I DON’T BELIEVE IN VOODOO CURSES OR ANY KIND OF WEIRD MAGIC LIKE THAT. WE’RE CLEMSON, AND AS LONG AS WE KEEP TOGETHER AND PUT OUR FAITH IN THE GOOD LORD ABOVE WE CAN OVERCOME ANYTHING.
A poor media member who is standing too close: Um, thanks coach, but why are you yelling? You’re a foot from me.
Illuminati pick: Georgia Tech
USC Trojans @ #24 Utah Utes (-3)
After taking a butt-whipping by Stanford last weekend, the last thing USC probably wanted to do was travel to Salt Lake City to face a ranked Utah team on a Friday night, buuuuut that’s exactly what they’re doing. Hey, did you know there are some really weird rumors surrounding USC right now? No, not those rumors. Or those ones. Nope, new ones! Can you believe after all this AD Pat Haden is stepping away on his own terms? Life isn’t fair, kids.
Illuminati pick: Utah
#12 Georgia Bulldogs @ #23 Ole Miss Rebels (-7
So, the Bulldogs shot back up in the rankings after beating an okay Mizzou team, because sure, why not. And 1-2 Ole Miss is still ranked and favored by a touchdown because, again, why not. This is the SEC, after all. It just means more. Except for the losses. Those mean less.
Illuminati pick: Ole Miss
#11 Wisconsin Badgers @ #8 Michigan State Spartans (-6)
It’s a B1G matchup between two teams who almost blew it last week but didn’t: Sparty held off Notre Dame, sending the Irish’s playoff hopes to an early grave, and Wiscy had a thrilling comeback win against.....
You’re sure? Okay, Georgia State. Dang, Badgers, you let those guys hold on longer than LSU did! I think Sparty miiiiight be a bit tougher that both of those guys.
Illuminati pick: Sparty
East Carolina Pirates @ Virginia Tech Hokies (-11)
ECU-VT is a blood feud Virginia Tech really wishes wasn’t a thing, but oh, yes, it is very much a thing. These two have played nearly every year since 2007, only skipping over 2012. And in that stretch, the series is just 5-3 in favor of Virginia Tech, with ECU winning the last two games. Honestly, Hokies, the Pirates have been better rivals this century than Virginia has. Just accept this.
Illuminati pick: ECU
#19 Florida Gators @ #14 Tennessee Volunteers (-7)
Somehow, this is always a big game, even though Florida has won eleven straight in the series. LOST hadn’t started airing yet the last time the Vols beat the Gators. This game is notable for featuring SWEET PURDUE TRANSFER QUARTERBACK STARTING ACTION, with Austin Appleby getting the nod for the Gators after Luke Del Rio was injured in last week’s game against North Texas. Is it going to matter a whole lot? Well, Tennessee’s struggled to put away App State and Ohio and took advantage of five turnovers to beat Virginia Tech, so, ehhhh?
Illuminati pick: Florida
#18 LSU Tigers @ Auburn Tigers (+4)
Not only do we have the original SEC tiger fight this weekend, it’s also a Hot Seat Special: the losing coach is going to notice his seat has become much hotter than it was just a week before. Although let’s be real, both coaches here are already feeling some heat; Les Miles because he’s, well, Les Miles, and Gus Malzahn because, um, it’s possible Auburn sucks again this year. There is a decent chance this game does nothing to answer that question.
Illuminati pick: LSU
Oklahoma State Cowboys @ #16 Baylor Bears (-10)
Nope, you’re not seeing things: Jim Grobe is coaching a nationally ranked team at a Baptist school. It’s a once in a decade miracle. In that span Grobe has gone from “ha ha Demon Deacons that’s a kinda funny juxtaposition” to “where do these people fall on the scale of incompetent to actually being evil”. Sure, Jim, we totally believe you here.
Illuminati pick: Oklahoma State
#17 Arkansas Razorbacks vs. #10 Texas A&M Aggies (-6)
The former Southwest Conference renew their hostilities at Jerry Jones’ Fortress of Solitude in Arlington, where all but two games in this series have been played since its revival in 2009. It also earned the name of the Southwest Classic that year, because look, when a billionaire oil tycoon and NFL football owner’s alma mater is playing in his state of residence, and is throwing several piles of cash at you to play in his personal movie theater/football mansion/whatever, you’re probably just going to go along with what he wants.
Illuminati pick: Texas A&M
#9 Washington Huskies @ Arizona Wildcats (let’s say +10? sure)
There’s not actually a spread on this game at the time of this publishing, so we’re just winging it here. Sometimes I think the council does things like that just to mess with me. But hey, this sounds right; Washington ain’t played nobody, but they’ve demolished all that nobody they’ve played, and Arizona lost to the one good team they played in BYU. So, sure, ten points.
Really though, no spread on the last game of the night? That is the clearest example of East Coast Bias yet.
Illuminati pick: Washington