Okay, college football. Why don’t you sit down over there. We need to have a talk. It’s fun to watch good teams do football badly. That’s what the Duff’d It! Rankings celebrate.
But you’ve broken me, college football. There’s something you’re doing even I can’t stand. It’s ball abuse, and it has to stop. We all chuckled a few years ago when DeSean Jackson tossed away the ball seconds before crossing into the endzone. Kaelin Clay’s drop against Oregon is ACC Conference Play of the Week legend.
But now everyone’s doing it and you’re starting to let them get away with it.
This has to stop! This has ventured beyond derptitude and into malicious, and we at the Duff’d It! Rankings will not stand for it!
Duff’d It! Rankings, Week 3
5. Oregon. Look, Ducks. You can kick an extra point every now and then. It’s okay. Everyone does it. Paul Johnson does it all the time and doesn’t even bat an eye. It doesn’t make you any less of a person. I know going for two after every touchdown is a bold move. But when you go 1-5 and lose the game because of it, “bold” looks a lot more like “dumb”.
4. Iowa. IOWA YOU STUPID IDIOTS
WHAT DID YOU THINK WAS GOING TO HAPPEN WHEN YOU SCHEDULED NORTH DAKOTA STATE
WE ALL SAW IT COMING
BUT NOOOOOOO YOU DIDN’T LISTEN
OREGON I KNOW YOU’RE STILL READING THIS
YOU’RE PLAYING NDSU IN FOUR YEARS
I AM SAVING THIS TO COPY-PASTE IT IN THE DUFF’D IT! RANKINGS IN 2020 IN THE EVENT YOU ARE NOT SMART ENOUGH TO CANCEL
JUST TELL THE BISON YOU HAVE A THING THEY’LL UNDERSTAND
3. The Texas-Oklahoma duumvirate. Texas was robbed of a chance to force overtime against Cal after the above noted Vic Enwere premature drop. The Longhorns did recover the ball, but the referees ruled they didn’t recover it fast enough. DAMN IT, BIG 12 REFS, YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SCREW OVER TEXAS’ OPPONENT.
Meanwhile, OU’s backup quarterback categorized Ohio State’s defense as “basic” earlier in the week, and you know things like that always end well. Who’s looking forward to the Red River Shootout?? I know I am!
2. Ole Miss. If there’s an Ole Miss version of the Finebaum show please direct me to it so I can work on my “ranting Ole Miss fan” character. I can’t imagine what their radio call-ins sound like after blowing TWO 21 point leads in three games.
1. FSU. Ha ha ha ohhhh boy Noles. I love you because y’all never lose quietly. FSU got firebombed by Louisville 63-20, the Noles’ worst loss in 40 years and a beatdown so thorough Papa John himself blacked out and disappeared in the Kentucky hills. The Papa John’s commercials that come from that are gonna be weird.
Honorable mention: Pitt. You might be cursed, Panthers. Just when you had tied things up with Oklahoma State, the heavens themselves opened up and declared, “nay, Panthers, thou may score no more.” But then the rains cleared and you thought, “this is it! This is our chance to win!”
ACC Conference Play of the Week
You see in the corner, where it says 4th down? Yes, Auburn Reggie Ball’d themselves. Which, given their history with Reggie Ball, is rather appropriate.
BUTTPUNT WE HAVE OUR FIRST BUTTPUNT OF 2016. Okay, that’s more of a backpunt, really. Aim either higher or lower next time, Colorado.
Back at it after a week 2 bye (seriously). 30 carries for 165 yards and a touchdown, 4 receptions for 73 yards and another touchdown, and 1 punt return for 22 yards equals 260 all purpose yards in a low margin but easy victory over USC. That’s barely over half of what he amassed the last time Stanford played the Trojans, per the research of a studious Redditor who noted he’s accrued 970 total yards against them in the past calendar year. And sure, that’s a lot of yards, but, really, are you even trying anymore, Christian?
McCaffrey total yardage counter: 470
Employee of the Month of the Week
Mason Rudolph, QB, Oklahoma State
Pitt-OSU was a fun shootout, but when the rains came it seemed like everyone had run out of bullets. Luckily for the Cowboys, Rudolph brought a seven shooter. Rudolph brought the thunder with 540 passing yards and two touchdowns, including an 86 yard bomb with under two minutes remaining to win the game. Yes, cowboys have bombs too. That’s what Sunset Riders taught me.