GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS.
IT HAS COME TO THE ATTENTION OF THE COUNCIL MANY OF YOU ARE SOMEHOW UNAWARE OF THE CONSTRAINTS OF OUR EXPERIMENT. THIS DESPITE THE CONSTRAINTS BEING MOSTLY UNCHANGED FROM A YEAR PRIOR, AND SAID CHANGES BEING PRESENTED TO YOU A MERE TWO WEEKS AGO BY THE COUNCIL ITSELF. WE EVEN SIMPLIFIED THE OPTIONS AVAILABLE TO YOU FOR YOUR PREDICTIONS, YET SOMEHOW THIS CAUSED YOU ALL MORE CONFUSION.
OUR BREADTH OF KNOWLEDGE IS NEARLY AS VAST AS THE UNIVERSE ITSELF, AND YET WE FIND OURSELVES CONSTANTLY BAFFLED BY THE LIMITATIONS OF THE HUMAN MIND.
YOU WILL ALL TAKE THIS MOMENT TO FEEL DEEP SHAME WITHIN YOURSELVES. THOSE WHO DO NOT CHOOSE TO DO SO WILL BE MADE TO DO SO IN A MUCH MORE PAINFUL MANNER.
BEFORE WE CLEARLY STATE THE PARAMETERS OF THIS EXPERIMENT ONCE AGAIN, UNDERSTAND THERE ARE VERY FEW THINGS THE COUNCIL LOATHES MORE THAN BEING FORCED TO REPEAT ITSELF, AND ANY WHO INQUIRE AGAIN WILL FIND THE CONSEQUENCES OF SUCH TO BE EXTREMELY UNPLEASANT.
THE NUMBERS PLACED BY EACH SELECTED GAME INDICATE A “POINT SPREAD” THAT IS TO BE PREDICTED AGAINST. DO TAKE THIS INTO CONSIDERATION WHEN MAKING YOUR PREDICTIONS. WE WOULD NOT PROVIDE YOU WITH SUPERFLUOUS INFORMATION AS WE ARE WELL AWARE HOW HUMAN MINDS ARE DISTRACTED BY IT, SMALL ANIMALS, AND SUDDEN LOUD NOISES .
NOW THAT YOU ARE REFAMILIARIZED WITH THE PARAMETERS, IT IS TIME TO PRESENT YOU WITH THIS WEEK’S SELECTIONS. AS ALWAYS, THE RESULTS OF YOUR PREVIOUS PREDICTIONS ARE AVAILABLE AT OUR REPOSITORY.
Vanderbilt Commodores @ Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-7)
[setting: Paul Johnson’s Thursday press conference]
Generic media member: Hey coach, I bet you’ve had a lot of experience with Commodores in the past, right?
Paul Johnson: .....
Generic media member: You know.... ‘cause.... you coached at Navy.....
Paul Johnson: Son, they ain’t had commodores in the Navy since World War II, except for a couple years in the 80s. We don’t talk about those years. I hope you’re doing a better job of writing this all down than you are at making jokes.
Illuminati pick: Georgia Tech
#25 Miami Hurricanes @ Appalachian State Mountaineers (+4)
No, no, you are reading this correctly; Reverend Richt and his Miami boys are traveling to Boone for this game. Why? I don’t know, but given the Mountaineers almost beat Tennessee at their own home to start the season, there’s a decent chance the Hurricanes will regret this trip to the backwoods of western North Carolina. For this, and other reasons. Do you hear banjo music?
Illuminati pick: App State
#2 Florida State Seminoles @ #10 Louisville Cardinals (-2)
College GameDay is coming to Papa John’s Pizza Palace for a game between FSU and Atlantic-team-who-is-not-Clemson. (Wait until people find out the ACC has two divisions!) This game pits the week 1 and 2 Duff’d It! Employee of the Month of the Week winners against each other, so make sure you take some time to see who can win between Deandre Francois and Lamar Jackson in a score-off.
Illuminati Pick: Louisville
Oregon Ducks @ Nebraska Cornhuskers (-3)
The good news for Nebraska is head coach Mike Riley is very familiar with Oregon and their offense, having been the head coach at Oregon State from 2003 to 2014. The bad news is Riley was 3-9 vs. the Ducks and last beat them in 2007. But look, the Cornhuskers have to get back to nine wins somehow. Or is five wins the new tradition?
Illuminati pick: Oregon
Colorado Buffaloes @ #4 Michigan Wolverines (-20)
The Buffaloes have poked fun of Michigan coach Jim Harbaugh’s characteristic hatred of depth charts with their own fake depth chart for their matchup this weekend. But honestly, Colorado, you mayyyyy want to check if the Dude and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar have any actual eligibility left. That is a 0 after the 2 in the spread, as in “almost three whole dang touchdowns”.
Illuminati pick: Colorado
#1 Alabama Crimson Tide @ #19 Ole Miss Rebels (+11)
Those up-and-comers at Alabama have had a rough go of things against juggernaut Ole Miss as of late, dropping the last two games to the mighty Rebels. But the upstart Tide roll into Oxford as heavy favorite, so we’ll see if the little guys can finally get a win. Or if the Rebels can become only the third team to beat Nick Saban three straight times since 1999. It’s only happened two times in history. Nick Saban is eternal.
Illuminati pick: Ole Miss
East Carolina Pirates @ South Carolina Gamecocks (-3)
Yarrr, the Dread Pirates of East Carolina, having looted and plundered Raleigh, have sailed their way south and have set their sights on the capital city of Columbia, where they face their most formidable foe yet: Big Dumb Will Muschamp Football, dredged from the bottom of the Florida swamps. The Pirates will need cunning and guile to defeat this new enemy, or just a working defense.
Illuminati pick: ECU
#12 Michigan State Spartans @ #18 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-8)
We don’t know much about Michigan State, because they opened the season witha 15 point win over Furman and then had a week 2 bye (seriously, people, stop doing this). So let’s talk about the trophy this series is played for, because this is a midwest rivalry so of course there is one: it’s the Megaphone Trophy, and it looks like.... well, an old school acoustic megaphone. Why a megaphone? I dunno.
Illuminati pick: Michigan State
#3 Ohio State Buckeyes @ #14 Oklahoma Sooners (+2)
Look, Sooners, I know you’re used to beating up on another OSU school every year, but, uh, this ain’t them, and they’re coached by someone you might recognize. He’s also in a better place mentally than he was back then, too, which, while that’s really great for him, it probably isn’t for you.
Illuminati pick: Ohio State
USC Trojans @ #7 Stanford Cardinal (-9)
#Pac12AfterDark is starting the fun early this weekend, with Stanford-USC kicking off at an east-coast-watchable time of 8 eastern! This game also features one of the starkest marching band contrasts in football, with the highly regimented Spirit of Troy and the often suspended Stanford Band. (The Spirit of Troy hates the Stanford Band. It’s fun to watch!)
Illuminati pick: Stanford