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Duff’d It! Ranking and Other Accolades: Finding the trash in a week that was supposed to be trash but still wasn’t

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ALWAYS THE RIVAL EVERYONE (ACCURATELY) BELIEVES THEY’RE TOO GOOD FOR

“It’s okay, you can drink this loss away.” “No, I can’t! That’s the worst part!”

Week 2 was supposed to be trash. We all watched anyway, because let’s face it: look at who’s reading this. Look at who’s writing this. We’re going to watch a weekend full of bad dumb football because we know that every second of college football is precious. We waited for what seemed like unending eons for this, and in a few short months, it will all be gone again. We will love whatever misshapen abomination purporting to be football it delivers to us.

The thing is, as I mentioned earlier: week 2 was supposed to be trash. But even a weekend of college football that promises to be trash still isn’t. It is a beautiful, majestic creature, whose life is but fleeting.

The Duff’d It! Rankings are right here, bridging that gap between trash and wonderful.

Duff’d It! Rankings, Week 2

5. Virginia Tech. Well of course a team with checkered endzones would take the checkered flag at the Battle at Bristol. (I am assuming there was a checkered flag involved at some point, but I didn’t bring my compound telescope so I couldn’t see.) VT helped Tennessee plenty enough by fumbling the ball five times, and I can’t think of a good NASCAR metaphor here so you’ll have to insert your own. The good news for the Hokies is they were able to slip off quietly into the night with their black Hokie Stone uniforms.

4. Penn State. After losing to in-state rival-yes-really-they-are Pitt when their final drive included plays like this one oh god why and no what are you doing Lions, Penn State fans are technically correct in claiming they deserve a better rival. There is Temple, from Philadelphia. And you play them this week! You also lost to them last year, so.... good luck!

3. UConn. The Huskies only design roller coasters where everyone gets sick and dies. Yes, they get sick and die, although not necessarily in that order. After trailing 21-0 to Navy, the Huskies came all the way back to lead 24-21 before giving up a late touchdown to the Midshipmen. Then they got all the way down to the goal line in the dying seconds, only to have..... whatever this is happen.

Hey, remember like three years ago when Wisconsin watched the clock run out on them while a ref stood over the ball? This was like that, except it was simply UConn standing around, watching their own lives expire. There’s precedence for this, too! Thank you, UConn, for establishing a legacy of duffing it.

2. TCU. Fort Worth is right next to Dallas, home to the Texas State Fair, and when people bring hogs to the fair they make sure to bring the biggest, fattest, field-goal-blockingest of hogs. They might win you a medal, or at least a football game, and both are pretty big deals in Texas.

1. Oklahoma State. Who really duff’d it in the OSU-CMU game? Was it the Cowboys, who maybe could have done a better job of defending this final play? Was it the MAC ref crew, who erroneously awarded this play on an untimed down thanks to a misinterpretation of the rules? You know, I think we can all agree: no matter what, everyone here duff’d it.

Wait, no, except for Central Michigan. They won, erroneously awarded play or no.

Honorable mention: BYU. Going for two to beat your rival instead of playing for overtime is a bold, laudable move, Cougars. Maaaaaybe work on the playcalling, though. That ruins the whole “bold” look.

It’s the MAC losing to FCS school special: MACtion may take on a new, more tragic definition this season after a triad of losses with Miami (Ohio) losing to Eastern Illinois, Kent State losing to North Carolina A&T, and Northwestern falling to 0-2 with a loss against actual unironic FCS powerhouse Illinois State. What? You’re saying Northwestern’s NOT a MAC team, but actually in the Big Ten? Hah, yeah right. I know they’re already 0-1 in conference play after losing to Western Michigan last week.

The MAC did redeem themselves a bit with the above Central Michigan victory over Oklahoma STate. There’s also Ohio defeating Kansas, but no I’m kidding you don’t get credit for beating Kansas.

Heyyyyyy Georgia. We’re watching. Struggled against the Nicholls Colonels, did ya? Nick Chubb didn’t even crack 100 yards? Sounds like a tough day, but you still got the win. We’ll be watching.

ACC Conference Plays of the Week

why does watching this fill me with a sense of dread

I feel like I’ve seen this exact thing happen before

like it’s happened to me, personally

“Oh hey man, I think you dropped this. Here you go!”

“I hate you and everything you stand for.”

McCaffrey Watch

Nothing for this week, because, uh, Stanford had a bye? Yeah, they really did. In week 2. College football schedules are weird. The Cardinal face USC next week, kicking of a streak of ten straight games vs. Pac-12 opponents (and Notre Dame), before finishing the season against..... Rice?

College football schedules, man.

Employee of the Month of the Week

Lamar Jackson, QB, Louisville

My word, Lamar Jackson. Not only did you complete 20 of 39 passes for 411 yards and a touchdown, but you ran the ball 21 times for , 199, 4 TD woah wait that’s actually a lot of yards and.... what? You did that all and sat the fourth quarter??

My god. Lamar Jackson amassed more yards in touchdowns in three quarters of a game than many teams did in entire games. Two weeks in and I’m already rethinking this whole McCaffrey Watch thing.

Or maybe I should just trash this whole column.