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GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. AT LAST, THE TIME TO REVEAL OUR CHAMPIONS HAS COME. YEARS OF PLANNING AND EFFORT HAVE COME DOWN TO THIS WEEKEND. SOON THE TRUTH SHALL BE UNVEILED TO YOU. ACCEPT AND EMBRACE IT, FOR YOU HAVE NO MORE CONTROL OVER WHAT OCCURS THAN AN ANT HAS CONTROL OVER A RIVER.
AS THIS FOOTBALL YEAR COMES TO A CLOSE, MANY OF YOU ARE NO DOUBT TAKING TIME TO REFLECT ON WHAT YOU HAVE WITNESSED. DO ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR LIVES ARE ULTIMATELY INSIGNIFICANT IN THE ENDLESS SPECTRUM OF TIME, BUT IF YOU ENJOYED THE WAY YOUR TIME WAS SPENT, IT WAS SIGNIFICANT TO YOU. (OUR FOLLOWERS ADVISED US YOU WOULD FIND THIS COMFORTING.)
BELOW ARE THE PICKS FOR THIS WEEK OF CHAMPIONS. WE HOPE YOU ARE SUFFICIENTLY PREPARED FOR THE EVENTS YOU WILL WITNESS.
MAC Championship: #17 Western Michigan Broncos (-19) vs. Ohio Bobcats
It’s all come down to this for P.J. Fleck and Western Michigan. They’re in their first MAC championship game since 2000 and looking for their first conference championship since 1988. Do that, and the Broncos are gonna row that boat all the way to Dallas for a spot in the Cotton Bowl. (Well, probably. There’s a chance Navy screws that up.) But first, they’ll have to get through an Ohio team looking for its first MAC championship since 1968. Will the Bobcats be able to live with themselves if they pull the upset, likely costing their conference millions of dollars in a major bowl payout? Probably.
Illuminati pick: WMU
Pac-12 Championship: #8 Colorado Buffaloes vs. #4 Washington Huskies (-7)
Hey, look, fresh faces in the Pac-12 championship! The South threatened to put boring traditional power USC in as its entrant, but Colorado took care of business against Utah in the final weekend to claim its first divisional title. The Colorado Buffaloes! Football is great. Meanwhile, no one in the North seemed interested in winning the dang thing except for the two Washington schools, and while passy, piratey Wazzu would have been a fun champion, we’re not really going to complain about Washington being here instead. A Colorado win puts the Buffs in the Rose Bowl; a Washington win and.... things get interesting. They probably should make the playoff! But they might not. Whooooooo knooooooows? (The council knows. But they’re not telling.)
Illuminati pick: Washington
AAC Championship: Temple Owls @ #19 Navy Midshipmen (-3)
The American championship isn’t just on here because they think they’re P5 people, there’s a lot of fun stuff going on here. Temple is back after losing to giant killers Houston in last year’s championship, still looking to grab their first conference championship since 1967. That’s also their only conference championship, ever. Which is still one more than Navy has ever won, but the Midshipmen have the excuse of having not ever even been in a conference until last year. The added bit of intrigue here is the Middies maybe-kinda-sorta have a chance to jump Western Michigan and snatch the G5 access slot in the Cotton Bowl if they win Saturday. Oh, and then beat Army next week, which they’ve done the past 14 years. Anyway, back to this game. It’s Navy football! It’s Georgia Tech football but actually good! This will be fun. You could watch it instead of Bedlam and not feel bad about it.
Illuminati pick: Navy
#10 Oklahoma State Cowboys @ #9 Oklahoma Sooners (-12)
This isn’t the Big 12 Championship Game™, but as luck would have it, Bedlam is once again for the Big 12 championship. Man, imagine if OU and Oklahoma State had played on rivalry week and left a bunch of meaningless games for championship weekend! Oh, yeah, that’s what happened last year. Anyway, the Big 12 is getting the closest thing to a real Championship Game™ a year before getting a proper one, with the good news being it’s Bedlam between two top ten teams, and the bad news being.... well, it’s still Bedlam, where the Cowboys carry a heave-inducing .195 winning percentage over 110 games. You know what’d be really funny? If they pull the upset over the Sooners, which still leaves them out of the playoff because of a dumb early-season loss that should have been a win.
You’re getting left out of the playoff again, Big 12. Shoulda invited Houston.
Illuminati pick: Oklahoma State
SEC Championship: #1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-24) vs. #15 Florida Gators
It’s the SEC championship rematch no one wanted! Especially not Florida, who got their ever-loving Gator butts whipped by Alabama, and are going to have the same done to them this year. And especially not Alabama themselves, who see the Gators as just another obstacle on the way to winning yet another championship. This game shares most of its time slot with three Sun Belt games and a previously mentioned meaningless Big 12 game, so.... go enjoy your afternoon. Maybe do some Christmas shopping? Or just take a nap so you’re ready for the evening games. You don’t need to watch this. You already know how it ends.
Illuminati pick: Alabama
ACC Championship: #3 Clemson Tigers (-10) vs. #23 Virginia Tech Hokies
Welcome back to the ACC championship, Hokies! Your prize is facing the same team you faced the last time you made it, which, uh..... didn’t go very well for y’all. In fact, it was the middle of three wallopings the Tigers gave the Hokies in 2012-13. So, do they have any reason to be more optimistic this time around? Well, uh, the Tigers still have Heisman candidate DeShaun Watson, are gunning for a second consecutive playoff appearance, and are overall a much better team than the ‘12 squad. On the other hand, the Hokies are already in the championship under first-year head coach Justin Fuente, so that’s a reason to be optimistic.... for next year. This year, ehhhhh, maybe enjoy what you’ve already accomplished?
Illuminati Pick: Clemson
Big Ten Championship: #6 Wisconsin Badgers (-3) vs. #7 Penn State Nittany Lions
Alright, we’ve got the B1G championship everyone was expecting and heyyyyyyy, wait, no we don’t. Ohio State is 11-1 and likely playoff bound, and they’re not here! Michigan is led by a legitimate crazy person who has shown no regard for the opponents he’s faced, and they’re not here! Nebraska is.... uh, well, people were expecting them to be here, I guess because they got back to nine wins? But they’re not here either! (Amazingly, like 90% of this is thanks to Iowa. I know! It’s crazy.) Anyway, Penn State and Wisconsin combined to go 1-3 against Ohio State and Michigan but otherwise proved they were Actually Good, so here we are. This could be for a spot in the playoff, or it could be for the Rose Bowl because Ohio State might get that spot anyway. No one really knows! That’s part of the fun!
Illuminati pick: Penn State