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Duff’d It! Ranking and Other Accolades: The World’s Largest Outdoor Vomitorium

REPORTING LIVE FROM OUR HEADQUARTERS IN DUVAL COUNTY

NCAA Football: Tennessee at South Carolina
That’s right, baby, I’M BACK.
Jeff Blake-USA TODAY Sports

Oh, Jacksonville. The quality of your beer is only equaled (in opposite) by your football. Long suffering Jaguars fans know this all too well. The next good football game played in EverBank Field might be the first. And that isn’t limited to Sundays! There was a lot of good college football weekend, and then there was the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. There weren’t a lot of points, or yards, and there wasn’t really anything you’d consider “good football”, which is pretty much what both team’s fans have grown to expect from this game. Jacob Eason did nail an endzone pylon with a pass, though. That pylon is starting for the Dawgs against Kentucky this Saturday.

Duff’d It! Rankings, Week 9

5. Navy. Don’t let the final score fool you: the Midshipmen tanked the entire first quarter of their game vs. South Florida and never had a chance to recover. That quarter was a disgrace to men in uniform everywhere! Military academy football teams in other countries are laughing at us right now!

4. Boise. The Broncos were gunning for the G5 playoff spot and were facing Wyoming, a team that had never beaten them before. So of course, the Broncos lost. On a strip-sack-safety, which is actually pretty awesome! It also gave us this, so it’s hard to say there were any real losers in Laramie on Thursday.

3. West Virginia. The West Virginia Big 12 Championship couch bonfire is no more, after the Oklahoma State Cowboys shot at a couple of key anchor points and brought the whole thing crashing down. The Mountaineers have likely played themselves out of a playoff spot, but that’s okay, because the Big 12 does have one remaining undefeated team looking to get in.

Unless.....

2. Baylor. Losing to Texas last year was embarrassing, with the mitigating factor of Baylor having zero real quarterbacks to play with. This year, they don’t have that excuse. On the bright side, this win may have saved Charlie Strong’s job!

This also really puts a hole into my theory that every ten years the planets align to give the world a championship caliber football team coached by Jim Grobe.

1. Tennessee. Remember when we all thought Tennessee was going to be a contender in the SEC West? It turns out we all forgot Tennessee’s biggest weakness: Big Dumb Will Muschamp Football. Yes, Tennessee has never beaten Will Muschamp as a head coach. Fortunately, the Vols seem to be handling the loss just fine.

Honorable mention: NC State. Look, Wolfpack, I know that OT loss to Clemson was soul crushing and that could partially explain getting demolished by Louisville. But losing to Boston College? They didn’t even remember what it felt like to win a conference game. Now the Eagles’s curse has been transferred to you!

ACC Big 12 Conference Plays of the Week

(The Big 12 is the bad football conference now.)

It’s usually bad news if your opponent knows more about the trick play you’re about to run than your own team. This is your baby now, Mike Bobinski.

The score box tells you every sad thing you need to know about this play. There is one second remaining in the game. Michigan State is lining up for a 2 point conversion, meaning they just scored to bring the margin to an even seven points. Going for two makes absolutely no sense here. Mark Dantonio made the wrong choice, and he paid for it. Don’t feel bad for him.

Employee of the Month of the Week

Duke v Georgia Tech Photo by Kevin C. Cox/Getty Images

Justin Thomas, QB, Georgia Tech

My man! I hope someone iced Justin Thomas’s shoulders after Georgia Tech’s game against Duke Saturday, because he put the entire team on his back. Thomas completed 10 of 14 passes for 264 yards and two touchdowns and carried the ball 17 times for 195 yards and two more touchdowns, totaling 465 yard on the day. He also reminded everyone of his sweet sack avoiding skills.

“Man, this is such a homer pick on a Georgia Tech blog,” some might say, to which we respond: look, Thomas’s performance Saturday earned him actual awards from real prestigious organizations. If it’s good enough for them, it’s more than good enough for the Employee of the Month of the Week award.

Don’t mess with us, man. We know the Illuminati, and they like us. (Illuminati note: WE DO NOT LIKE ANY OF YOU. TOLERATE, PERHAPS.)