GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. WE ADDRESS YOU EARLIER THAN USUAL ON THIS WEEK OF GIVING HATEFUL THANKS SO THAT YOU ALL HAVE SUFFICIENT TIME TO MAKE YOUR PREDICTIONS FOR THIS WEEK BEFORE ENGAGING IN YOUR MINDLESS HUMAN FESTIVITIES. WE DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOUR DESIRE TO REVEL WITH FAMILY MEMBERS FOR WE HAVE LONG FORGOTTEN WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO HAVE SUCH A THING. BUT DO NOT WEEP FOR US, AS FAMILIES ARE A HUMAN CONCEPT WE WERE FREED FROM LONG AGO. SUCH THINGS WOULD DISTRACT US FROM OUR DESIGNS, BUT ARE GOOD FOR KEEPING YOUR KIND OCCUPIED.
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets @ Georgia Bulldogs (-4)
If I had to describe in two words how Clean, Old Fashioned Hate makes me feel, those two words would be VOMITOUS ANXIETY. That's what this game makes me feel. Don’t make me write about this; this game was horrible last year and it’s still going to be bad this year, because Georgia Tech's defense contains like a perfectly designed sieve and Georgia hired a Saban defensive protege since it worked so well for Florida (and indeed it has been). If you don't have stakes in this game but were planning on watching anyway…. why? Watch another game, or go outside and enjoy the sunshine, or something, because you deserve better.
Illuminati pick: Georgia
#25 LSU Tigers (-7) @ #22 Texas A&M Aggies
Ya know, this game probably meant more before LSU went 6-4. I'm kidding, this was always going to be for third in the SEC West. A&M has played LSU to end the season the past few years after spending the first two years of post-Big 12 life ending with fellow SEC newcomer Mizzou, but this is the first time it’s on Thanksgiving. It's probably going to be more exciting than whatever the Detroit Lions are doing, but seriously, Aggies, can you and Texas just get over yourselves and start playing each other again? No one believes you and LSU are now nor will ever be rivals.
Illuminati pick: LSU
TCU Horned Frogs @ Texas Longhorns (-3)
It's Charlie Strong's last ride, maybe. Strong may already be fired at this point, or maybe not: this is Schrödinger's Firing, where we have to assume Strong is simultaneously fired and not fired until we look inside the box. So we might have Zombie Charlie Strong coaching against TCU Friday, unless he’s been fired already, in which case we might get a Texas player boycott. Should be fun!
Illuminati pick: TCU
South Carolina Gamecocks @ #4 Clemson Tigers (-24)
Clemson has spent most of 2016 cruising through their schedule (a dumb loss to PItt nothwithstanding), but the Tigers now face one final challenge before playing in the ACC championship: Big Dumb Will Muschamp Football. And while South Carolina's brand of football might be big, and dumb, and very Muschamp-y, that particular combination does happen to be a pretty big problem for some teams, especially ones that wear a lot of orange. So just wear your all purple uniforms and you'll be fine, Tigers.
Illuminati pick: South Carolina
#6 Washington Huskies (-6) @ #23 Washington State Cougars
Eight years ago, 0-11 Washington and 1-10 Wazzu met in the Apple Cup to determine the worst team in college football. This Friday they’re playing for the Pac-12 North title. It just goes to show you no matter how bad things are, things can always turn themselves around - it just might take a few years. Unless you're Rutgers - it may just be your destiny to be bad forever, Knights.
Illuminati pick: Wazzu
Notre Dame Fighting Irish @ #12 USC Trojans (-17)
Good to see the Battle of Los Angeles got moved up a week so USC could play their REAL rivals to end the season: the 4-7 Notre Dame Fighting Irish! These two play for the Jeweled Shillelagh, “Shillelagh” being an Irish word for a type of club. Which is fine, but you might be wondering where the USC part of this trophy comes in. Well, that's the part where the Trojans grab the Shillelagh and beat the Irish senseless with it.
Illuminati pick: Notre Dame
#13 Florida Gators @ #15 Florida State Seminoles (-7)
Florida gets to play this game safe in the knowledge no matter what they do they’ve already punched their ticket to get flattened by Alabama next week in the Georgia Dome. So relax, Gators! No matter what pain DeAndre Francois and company deal to you in Tallahassee Saturday, it will all pale in comparison to the skull-crushing you will receive a week later.
Illuminati pick: FSU
#3 Michigan Wolverines @ #2 Ohio State Buckeyes (-7)
Michigan vs. Ohio State is THE game of the weekend and one of the biggest of the whole season. The winner of game stays alive in the playoff, the loser is out of that and the Big Ten championship. Except Ohio State could win and still be out, because they lost to Penn State, and they'd have to lose to Michigan State, and, yeah, that ain't happening. So this game might mean a lot, or might mean nothing and Penn State just wins the whole dang conference. And then the committee might send the Buckeyes to the playoff anyway. They warned us the playoff would ruin college football!
Illuminati pick: Michigan
#16 Auburn Tigers @ #1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-18)
Oh, look, it’s an Alabama game again. I don’t know why we’re doing this, because the SEC is bad, except for Alabama, who smashed everyone on their schedule, and decided after their first conference game against Ole Miss they were going to stop spotting the other team points. This had the potential to be for the SEC West championship, but Auburn had to go and lose to Georgia while quarterback Sean White hid a shoulder injury. If that doesn't convince you Auburn has lost its #blessed status, this might: Alabama is 11-0, no one else in the SEC has more than eight wins, and the Tide are set to continue doing what they've done all season. The uncaring, unfeeling Crimson machine will consume us all.
Illuminati pick: Alabama
#21 Utah Utes @ #9 Colorado Buffaloes (-10)
This game was going to be huge until Utah blew it against Oregon last week. (Seriously, Utes. Oregon? The team you dropped 66 points on last year when they were still kind of okay?) Which isn't to say there are no stakes remaining here: Colorado wins and they're in the Pac-12 championship; lose, and USC takes the spot. Utah…. look, y'all had your chance. Just take this L so the world gets the UW/Wazzu vs. Colorado championship it needs.