Duff’d It! Rankings and other Accolades: Someone handed us a flamethrower so we’re burning this whole thing down

HI HOW ARE YOU

I’M GREAT

DID YOU SEE ALL THE TEAMS THAT LOST THIS WEEKEND

OH MAN I CAN’T BELIEVE SO MANY TEAMS LOST

WE’RE GOING TO HAVE TO BREAK IT DOWN BY CONFERENCE THAT’S HOW MANY

ALSO CAN SOMEONE TELL ME HOW THE IOWA STATE ARIZONA GAME WENT I HAVEN’T BEEN ABLE TO FIND ANYTHING

Duff’d It! Rankings, Week 11

5. Big 12. None of the Big 12’s ranked teams lost, and Iowa State didn’t lose to Kansas, so, uh..... let’s go with Texas, who was no match for HOLGORAGE this Saturday. Charlie Strong’s hot seat status is switching back and forth quicker than a professional wrestler’s face/heel alignment. Also, the Mountaineers may have stolen Strong’s couch to set on fire. I’m not saying they did do it, I’m just saying they may have.

4. SEC. First downs just mean more in the SEC. Just ask Auburn, to whom first downs are a precious commodity, and so rare the Tigers will sometimes go entire halves without attaining one. Touchdowns also just mean more in the SEC. Sure, you can win without ‘em, as Georgia showed, but when you actually score one on offense.... hoo boy.

Over in College Station, Texas A&M continued to display the dominance of the SEC West by losing to the Mississippi school they didn’t lose to last week. It just goes to show anyone can take second place in the toughest division in college football. After dropping four spots in the rankings last week following a lost to Mississippi State, this might bump the Aggies all the way down to twelfth! Maybe even as low as thirteenth!

3. ACC. A lot of teams were playing for division championships this week! They all lost.

UNC players were mighty unhappy when it came out the Victory Bell - the trophy they and Duke play for - would feature a new paint job showing the logos of both schools, and the tradition of spray painting it the color of the winner’s school would end. Well, they lost, so they spent a lot of time complaining about nothing.

Meanwhile, up in Blacksburg, Virginia Tech lost to a Georgia Tech team who was playing backups at center, quarterback, and B-back - otherwise known as the most important pieces in Georgia Tech’s offense. On the bright side, Hokies, you’ve let everyone see the Yellow Jackets’ super secret offensive plan, so now they’ll never win another football game ever again.

Okay, fine, yes, Clemson finally Clemsoned, thanks to a slight overdependence on Deshaun Watson’s arm and Pitt kicker Chris Blewitt.... not doing that. The Tigers are probably going to be fine, and Dabo Swinney will still rip your throat out for daring to suggest it.

Oh, and Boston College is bad, and you all knew that, but they’re now so bad the best coach they’ve had this century is stunting on ‘em. This is a duffing almost ten years in the making, because no one other than Boston College has been dumb enough to fire a coach after two years and 20 wins.

2. B1G. Jim Harbaugh is stuck in a time loop where he’s doomed to lose to Iowa for eternity, a fate less desirable than death by fire ants.

Meanwhile, congratulations to Nebraska for defeating Minnesota and retaining the $5 Bits of Broken Chair Trophy, but an extra un-special un-congratulations to the Cornhuskers for not giving it the deference it deserves. A POX ON YOUR HOUSE FOR TWENTY YEARS FOR MISPLACING THE GREATEST TROPHY IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND, HUSKERS.

Also, we’ve tried to avoid mentioning Rutgers so far this year, but in the battle for last place in the Big Ten East, the Scarlet Knights lost to Michigan State 49-0, so hi there, Rutgers! Now it makes sense the Big Ten deigned to stop playing FCS schools, since half the conference already gets to play you every year.

1. Pac-12. No, the Pac-12 didn’t have the most teams duffing it, but what they lacked in quantity they made up for in quality - something you’d know if you ever shook you East Coast Bias and stayed up to watch it. Washington’s loss to USC has effectively eliminated them from the playoff, because their strength of schedule isn’t good enough to make up for it, but don’t worry! Everything in the hands of the Washington State Cougars, who opened the season with losses to Eastern Washington and Boise and now control their destiny in the Pac-12 championship race.

Honorable Mention: Division III Mount Union. Oh, man, Purple Raiders, I can’t believe you lost to John Carroll! I mean, who loses to those guys? Guess y’all just weren’t tough enough to build up a 113 game regular season winning streak, were ya? Y’all ain’t ever gonna be as good as Bama.

ACC Big 12 Conference Plays of the Week

Rutgers is known as “the birthplace of college football”. We will one day remember it for also being the death place of college football.

Try has he might, Caleb Lightbourn could not be separated from his one true love.

Oh no, Ron Coluzzi, you’re on fire! Stop, drop, and roll! STOP, DROP, AND ROLL!

Oh, good, a helpful Michigan defender is here to serve as a fire blanked.

Employee of the Month of the Week

Photo by Streeter Lecka/Getty Images

Nathan Peterman, QB, Pittsburgh

If you read the headline “PITT DEFEATS NO. 2 CLEMSON”, you’d probably assume was because star running back James Conner had the game of his life, right? Well, that’s because you expect football to be logical. Conner did rush for 130 yards and a touchdown, but it was Peterman’s arm who gave the Panthers the boost against Clemson, passing for 308 yards and five touchdowns. I don’t want to know what kind of horrid food Spilly made for Peterman as a thank-you, but it has to be an NCAA violation, if not a violation of the laws of humanity.