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GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. YOU MAY BE WONDERING HOW RECENT EVENTS FIT INTO OUR GRAND PLANS. BEGINNING TO EXPLAIN THEIR SIGNIFICANCE TO YOU WOULD IMMEDIATELY DRIVE HALF OF YOU INSANE, WHILE THE SURVIVING HALF WOULD PERISH FROM NATURAL CAUSES BEFORE WE WERE ABLE TO FINISH. WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THEY ARE CLEAR TO US. REST ASSURED EVERYTHING IS PROCEEDING IN EXACTLY THE FASHION WE HAVE DESIGNED IT TO.
IN THE MEANTIME, DO CONTINUE TO BE DISTRACTED BY YOUR EARTH GAMES. IF THEY ARE FOUND TO BE INEFFICIENT, WE ARE SURELY ABLE TO DEVISE..... OTHER METHODS OF KEEPING YOU OCCUPIED. THEY WILL BE JUST AS FUN. FOR US, ANYWAY.
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets @ #14 Virginia Tech Hokies (-14)
Remember when the Techmo Bowl decided the winner of the ACC Coastal? Better times. Now Duke and Carolina have broken into the ACC Championship game and everything’s terrible. Technically, the Coastal is still on the line here: if the Hokies win Saturday, they clinch the Coastal; if the Yellow Jackets win..... the Hokies have to wait two more weeks to smash Virginia and win the Coastal. Yayyyyyyyy.
Illuminati pick: Virginia Tech
#16 West Virginia Mountaineers @ Texas Longhorns (-2)
Texas has just reeled off two wins in a row, which means Charlie Strong has saved his job! Maybe. Possibly. A win versus West Virginia would really help, though. They’ve juuuuust started to rebuild their championship couch bonfire. Wouldn’t it be fun to push the Mountaineers right back into it and knock it down again?
Illuminati pick: WVU
Kentucky Wildcats @ Tennessee Volunteers (-14)
Kentucky and Tennessee once fought for a wooden beer barrel, which appropriate, because you’d probably have to be drunk off your ass to enjoy this game. Especially if you’re a Kentucky fan - the Wildcats have only won this game seven times in the past 55 meetings, and suffered 26 straight defeats from 1985 to 2010. Why was a beer barrel a trophy in the middle of bourbon country, anyway?
Illuminati pick: Tennessee
Baylor Bears @ #11 Oklahoma Sooners (-16)
Yeah, that’s a pretty big number. Remember when Baylor was going to win the Big 12, like, two whole weeks ago? Life comes at you fast, Bears. You know what else does? The Sooners, who rack up 558 yards and 41 points a game, good enough for 3rd and 7th best in college football, respectively. 2016 has really gone south for y’all in a hurry, hasn’t it?
Illuminati pick: Baylor
#9 Auburn Tigers (-11) @ Georgia Bulldogs
Auburn and Georgia play win what is called Deep South’s Oldest Rivalry, which, who cares, but it did give us one of the greatest plays in the history of mankind. That was three whole years ago, if you can believe it, and the Tigers have dropped both of the last two games. Even worse? Georgia is on a hot streak after knocking SEC East powerhouse Kentucky. The Tigers better look out, or they might, like, give up two whole rushing touchdowns.
Illuminati pick: Auburn
Appalachian State Mountaineers @ Troy Trojans (EVEN)
#FUNBELT SPECIAL ALERT! If the Sun Belt has escaped your notice so far this season, sit down and get yourself learnt: Troy and App State are both undefeated in conference play. (So is Arkansas state, but they’re 4-4 and lost to Central Arkansas, so shhh.) Troy’s only loss is by six points, to Clemson. App State’s are to Tennessee and Miami, which.... seemed like more respectable losses at the time. Still, the winner of this game is in prime position to run the table in the Sun Belt. Would that be good enough to grab the G5 spot in the New Year’s Six, even with a loss or two to power 5 schools? Probably not, what with Western Michigan and Boise State still around. They’ll still light someone up in a bowl game.
Illuminati pick: Troy
Stanford Cardinal (-4) @ Oregon Ducks
Man, I bet this looked like the Pac-12 game of the year in the preseason, didn’t it? #8 Stanford vs. #24 Oregon to see who wins the Pac-12 North. There are going to be a lot of points from these two explosive offenses! It’ll be another classic just like the last few.
Or it’ll be to see if Oregon can finish, like, 4th in the division. Yeah, guys, the game you want to watch is actually the Apple Cup. That’s the big one. This is.... something.
Illuminati pick: Stanford
#24 LSU Tigers (-7) @ #25 Arkansas Razorbacks
This ranked matchup isn’t just a battle for fourth place in the SEC West, it just means more: this is the battle for the Golden Boot, at least the fifth most prestigious trophy in the division. Supposedly, fans of the two schools aren’t huge fans of the trophy, possibly due to its size (it’s made of solid gold and weighs 175 pounds!), possibly due to the SEC briefly trying to insist this was an end-of-the-year kind of rivalry, possibly due do the two getting through the first 41 meetings of this series without it. The boot has been in possession of Arkansas for the past two years, during which time it has unofficially been referred to as the Golden Bert.
Illuminati pick: LSU
Minnesota Golden Gophers @ #19 Nebraska Cornhuskers (-7)
Minnesota and Nebraska play for the $5 Bits of Broken Chair Trophy, which is the greatest trophy in all of college football and I will not hear otherwise. Why is it the best trophy? Probably because it’s everything the Civil ConFLiCT trophy isn’t: the Gophers and the Cornhuskers have a long (if somewhat streaky) history with 56 meetings dating back to 1900, they play in a conference already chock full of trophy games, and most importantly, it doesn’t take itself too seriously. I care more about this trophy than the game being played for it. I think Nebraska was proven to be Actually Not Good last week? I dunno.
Illuminati pick: Nebraska
#20 USC Trojans @ #4 Washington Huskies (-9)
Texas A&M’s loss to Mississippi State last weekend has Washington in playoff position, and it just means more for the Huskies from here on out. They’re still on a collision course with Wazzu for the Pac-12 North, while USC is back in the fight in the crowded upper half of the Pac-12 South. (Don’t look at the bottom half, though. Arizona is there, and..... eesh.) If the Trojans lose, they’re out of conference contention; if the Huskies lose, they’re out of the playoff. Oh, and this is a 7:30ET kick, so the ending will be venturing into #Pac12AfterDark territory. It’ll be fun.
Illuminati pick: Washington