GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. BY NOW YOU ARE AWARE OF THE IMMINENT ARRIVAL OF A RAGING STORM FROM THE OCEANS. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO WONDER IF IT AND THE DESTRUCTION IT WILL CAUSE ARE PART OF OUR PLANS, WE CANDIDLY INFORM YOU IT IS NOT. FOR THOUGH OUR POWERS ARE MIGHTY INDEED, WE ARE UNABLE TO CONTROL THE RAGING OF A PLANET.
YOU ARE DOUBTLESSLY WONDERING HOW THIS WILL AFFECT YOUR BELOVED FOOTBALL GAMES. FIRSTLY, THAT INFORMATION WILL BE DISSEMINATED TO YOU THROUGH THE NORMAL CHANNELS, NOT THROUGH US. SECONDLY, PERHAPS CONSIDER THE GRANDER CONSEQUENCES OF SUCH A MIGHTY STORM.
YES, YES, WE KNOW. WE ARE ASKING YOU TO THINK OUTSIDE OF YOUR OWN SPACE WITH YOUR LIMITED HUMAN MINDS. WHAT ARE WE THINKING.
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets @ Pittsburgh Panthers (-7)
Two years later, Georgia Tech has returned to Pittsburgh, the scene of the Magical Five Fumble First Quarter. Could Georgia Tech repeat such a historic performance this year? Hell no, you’ve seen this defense, right? Actual cancer survivor James Conner is back after tearing his MCL last year and, uh, beating cancer, so that’s something to look out for. He did fumble in that game, but he also ran for 120 yards and three touchdowns. Did I mention Pitt fumbled a lot two years ago? You should read up on it.
Illuminati pick: Pitt
Texas Longhorns vs. #20 Oklahoma Sooners (-11)
The Red River Shootout is here, and it’s just as bonkers as a good RRS deserves. Back in week 1, I said if Texas upset Notre Dame and OU lost to Houston you should bet your house on the Sooners for this game. But then a bunch of other weird stuff happened, so now we’re basically back to square one here. There’s no logic or reasoning to this game on a normal year without all the weirdness leading up to it, and so there is no advice I can give you. Listen to your instincts, and then go with the other choice.
Illuminati pick: OU
#6 Houston Cougars (-17) @ Navy Midshipmen
It’s extremely possible Houston runs through the entire AAC without ever breaking a sweat. They’ve devastated everyone on their schedule so far (including OU) and are equally terrifying on defense. Navy doesn’t appear to be firing on all cylinders so far this year, but if anyone can engineer his way to an upset here, it’s Ken Niumatalolo, a coach whose name I can proudly spell without having to look up.
Illuminati pick: Houston
#25 Virginia Tech Hokies @ #17 North Carolina Tar Heels (-3)
Fun fact: Virginia Tech is 9-3 against UNC since joining the ACC, and one of those Tar Heel victories was later vacated. The Heels beat the Hokies in Blacksburg last year, simultaneously clinching their first ACC Coastal championship and ruining Frank Beamer’s home finale, so you better believe the Fightin’ Fuentes are looking for revenge in Chapel Hill. They actually have an offense now, so look out for that, UNC.
Illuminati pick: Virginia Tech
#9 Tennessee Volunteers @ #8 Texas A&M Aggies (-7)
Y’all are familiar with TexAgs, right? I mean, if you’re not, don’t worry about it. It brings all the Texas Aggie steeped in 100 years of tradition vibe to internet forums. And it’s Texas A&M, so all that tradition has that rural Texas weirdness essence to it. Anyway, they’re doing even more weird stuff this year, mostly involving opposing team’s helmets. Last week they deep-fried a South Carolina helmet. (No, really, they did that.) This week it’s.... dropping a boulder on a Tennessee helmet using construction equipment? That’s actually less weird. Gotta step it up, Ags.
Illuminati pick: Texas A&M
#21 Colorado Buffaloes @ USC Trojans (-5)
Things are heating up in the Pac-12 South as the division leading Colorado Buffaloes arrive in Los Angeles to take on the struggling USC Trojans.... hey, wait, that doesn’t sound right at all. You sure these aren’t backwards? I’m gonna check this real quick.
Huh. Okay. Pac-12 football sure is drunk this year.
Illuminati pick: Colorado
#1 Alabama Crimson Tide (-14) @ #16 Arkansas Razorbacks
This is a ranked matchup with two SEC teams. But, I mean, look at that. The last time Nick Saban lost to Arkansas it was 2002 and he was still coaching at LSU. Saban is bringing his soulless Crimson killing machine into Hamopolis and there’s a good chance he leaves there with Bret Bielema having no idea what hit him.
Illuminati pick: Arkansas
Georgia Bulldogs (-7) @ South Carolina Gamecocks
For over a decade, Georgia was tormented by trash talk grand master Steve Spurrier and his program at Florida. They thought they were finally rid of him when he left to try his hand in the NFL... only to see their nightmares return in 2005 when returned to coach South Carolina. He’s busy playing golf these days, replaced by another former Gator coach: Will Muschamp. And despite all the jokes about Muschamp being a double agent for the Dawgs, remember one of Muschamp’s final acts as Florida’s head coach in 2014 was to take a bad team and flatten a much better Georgia team with only the power of Big Dumb Will Muschamp football.
Wait. Spurrier coached at Florida, then at South Carolina. Muschamp coached at Florida, then at South Carolina.
OH MY GOD MUSCHAMP IS THE REINCARNATION OF SPURRIER
Illuminati pick: South Carolina
#5 Washington Huskies (-9) @ Oregon Ducks
In further tales of “Pac-12 football is drunk”, #5 and Pac-12 North division leader Washington is a heavy favorite against the last-place Oregon Ducks this Saturday in Eugene. The last time the Huskies beat the Ducks, Mark Zuckerberg hadn’t even stolen the idea for Facebook yet. I think Washington is excited for this one.
Illuminati pick: Washington
#23 Florida State Seminoles @ #10 Miami Hurricanes (-3)
The clash of ACC Florida schools has a fun new wrinkle this year, as new ‘Canes coach Mark Richt faces the school where he got his start. Miami hasn’t beaten FSU in six years, but Richt hopes to turn the tables with his Hurricanes, and maybe also an actual hurricane. Sounds like cheatin’ to me.
Illuminati pick: OHHHH WE’RE TALKIN’ ‘BOUT THE NOLES