GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. THE TIME IS NEARLY UPON US AND WE HAVE BEGUN THE PROCESS OF SUMMONING THE COLLEGE FOOTBALL PLAYOFF COMMITTEE MEMBERS TO OUR SANCTUM. IT WILL TAKE DAN RADAKOVICH SOME TIME TO COMPLETE HIS TRANSIT HERE AFTER RECALLING HIM FROM HIS VOLCANO LAIR, AND IT WILL BE BENEFICIAL TO ALL INVOLVED IF WE DO NOT ELABORATE ON THE PROCESS OF AWAKENING TYRONE WILLINGHAM FROM STASIS. ONCE ASSEMBLED THEY WILL CARRY OUT OUR ORDERS WITH MAXIMUM PRECISION AND EFFICIENCY. THEY SHALL SERVE AS OUR HARBINGERS, SO THAT YOU CAN PROPERLY PREPARE FOR OUR ARRIVAL.
IN THE MEANTIME, DO CONTINUE TO DO YOUR BEST TO PREDICT OUR MOVEMENTS. NONE OF YOU HAVE ACHIEVED PERFECTION AND MOST OF YOU HAVE NOT EVEN COME CLOSE, BUT WE CONTINUE TO BE AMUSED BY YOUR ATTEMPTS TO DO SO.
Duke Blue Devils @ Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-7)
Georgia Tech fans clamor for the days of old, when the Institute’s liberal arts college was naught but a myth and Duke was an easy W on the schedule, and let me tell you right now: that’s never been a thing. Sure, there’s the odd year where the Blue Devils were held to single digits, but Ted Roof himself beat Tech in his first game as Duke’s head coach, and even during a straight decade of losses to the Yellow Jackets Duke was good for two to three quarters of trouble. The story will play out the same this Saturday, so be prepared to sweat through at least one layer on this cool autumn afternoon.
Illuminati pick: Duke
#10 West Virginia Mountaineers (-4) @ Oklahoma State Cowboys
The West Virginia couch bonfire just keeps growing and growing, and if there were something like codes for this in Morgantown it’d have been forcibly shut down by this point. Any bigger and it’ll start pulling things toward it, like some sort of couch katamari. Oklahoma State’s previous three games have been Kansas, Iowa State, and Texas, so yeah, they’re not prepared for the Mountaineers in any way.
Illuminati pick: WVU
#2 Michigan Wolverines (-24) @ Michigan State Spartans
You all do remember how last year’s Paul Bunyan Trophy game ended, right? It was only the second most memorable ending to a game in 2015. So what kind of excitement could this year’s game promise us? Well, Michigan State is really, really bad, so probably not much. You’re watching this to see how bad Michigan really wants to stick it to the Spartans, and with Jim Harbaugh, a man known for his on-field cruelty, we’re likely to see some real messed up stuff in East Lansing.
Illuminati pick: Michigan
Miami Hurricanes (-2) @ Notre Dame Fighting Irish
It’s a Catholics vs. Convicts redux! These two teams have actually met four times since that game of legend, but there’s a 20 year gap in there; plus, who really wants to remember the 2010 Sun Bowl? Luckily, nothing much has changed with these two: Notre Dame is still Catholic, and Miami’s head coach is Mark Richt, so.... you know. The Canes are reeling after three straight losses, and unfortunately for them, Notre Dame is 2-5. Wait, that can’t be right.
Okay, yeah, Notre Dame is 2-5. Miami might be in a better position than I thought.
Illuminati pick: Miami
#14 Florida Gators (-8) @ Georgia Bulldogs
Some powers that be are determined to rename this game, known colloquially as the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, as the River City Showdown, and that simply will not do. A game with two schools that feel nothing but blinding hate for each other taking place in Jacksonville must be recognized for the Fireball chugging contest it is. Half the people tailgating won’t even make it into the stadium; they’ll wander off from the tailgate and get lost in some weird corner of Duval County. Meanwhile, there will be a football game, but if you think this will be a dignified showdown and not a drunken bar fight, that’s on you.
Illuminati pick: Florida
#8 Baylor Bears (-4) @ Texas Longhorns
Last year Baylor was all set to go to the Sugar Bowl before they got hit by the eleventh Biblical plague - the plague of quarterback injuries - and lost to Texas in their finale. The Bears started that game at QB with a guy who began the season as a wide receiver and transferred to Houston after the season, and ended with Lynx Hawthorne, who while possessing one of the greatest names in college football today is probably happy Seth Russell is back under center for the Bears. I say all that to say, yeah, Texas is probably about to get smoked by some angry bears. Coached by Jim Grobe. 2016 is weird, man.
Illuminati pick: Baylor
#4 Washington Huskies (-10) @ #17 Utah Utes
A dumb loss to Cal by Utah is all that keeps this from being a clash of west coast unbeatens. The two Pac-12 division leaders are putting it all on the line this Saturday, in a game people will actually see because it kicks off at 3:30 eastern time! This has the potential to be the best Pac-12 game this year, but then again, we thought that about Washington and Stanford, and we all know how that turned out.
Illuminati pick: Washington
#13 Boise State Broncos (-14) @ Wyoming Cowboys
Remember when Houston was the non-power five darling of college football? Why, it seems like it was just last week. Boise State definitely remembers, and they’re honestly just fine with toiling in obscurity: it makes things that much more fun for them when they punch some big football powerhouse right in the mouth. Wyoming is not one of those schools, but they are coached by Craig Bohl, who coached FCS powerhouse North Dakota State to three straight national championships before deciding he needed a much, much bigger challenge. Bohl’s made the Cowboys respectable again in his third year, but they haven’t beaten the Broncos since...... ever, so keeping things close against Bryan Harsin’s crew would still keep them would still be a positive for them.
Illuminati pick: Wyoming
#7 Nebraska Cornhuskers @ #11 Wisconsin Badgers (-9)
Wisconsin has had a brutal month. After demolishing Michigan State it turned out, well, Michigan State actually isn’t good. Then they had to play two top ten teams in a row, and lost both by a touchdown. On the other hand, they squeaked by Georgia State earlier in the season, and just barely beat an LSU team we all thought was good and is actually good now but seemingly only because they fired their coach a few weeks back. This game against Nebraska is pretty much Wiscy’s last chance to prove they’re Actually Good, because closing the season with Northwestern, Illinois, Purdue, and Minnesota ain’t gonna do that.
Nebraska’s undefeated, but they ain’t played nobody, so they’re out to prove they’re Actually Good too. We might not learn as much from this game as I was originally thinking.
Illuminati pick: Wisconsin
#3 Clemson Tigers (-4) @ #12 Florida State Seminoles
This year’s ACC Atlantic championship game was supposed to be even bigger than last year’s, but then Louisville had to go ruin everything by flowing FSU right out of the Slice a few weeks back. The Noles have a chance to get to
Charlotte Orlando if they win this game, but given Clemson is basically a bigger, meaner Louisville, I wouldn’t put too much stock into that.
Illuminati pick: Clemson