clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Illuminati Picks, Week 1: All Hail Your New Weekend Selection Overlords

Weekend selections are back, now being handed out by a higher power.

Can you see into the future? We've already determined it.
Can you see into the future? We've already determined it.

Greetings, citizens of Earth!

No, relax, I'm not here to announce the arrival of a new world order. That comes later. I have been tasked with something much more pertinent and of interest to you, dear readers of the From the Rumble Seat Georgia Tech blog community. It would appear that college football is something of much import to you, so I am here to bring you a challenge. You like to guess the outcome of college football games. The Duff'd It! Illuminati have already determined the outcomes of those games. Let's see how you stack up against the real rulers of the world.

So, you may ask, what's in it for you? Perhaps a seat on the Illuminati committee? Probably not. The satisfaction that you the best among your peers? Certainly. Is it time to start picking? Yes. Yes it is.

Alcorn State Braves at Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

"I ain't a fan of schools that call themselves State," Paul Johnson says at his presser, "You're a school, not a state. I make sure to tell 'em that before I send them packing."

An unfortunate media member interjects: "So, Coach.... what about Middle Tennessee State?"

Paul Johnson looks down at his podium and presses a button. Electric currents course through the unfortunate media member's chair, killing him.

"Any other questions?"

Illuminati pick: BRUH.

North Carolina Tar Heels vs. South Carolina Gamecocks (-3)

The ultimate Carolina showdown. Winner gets to call themselves the True Carolina. Loser has to rename themselves East Dakota. Win or lose, you can expect the hatin'-assest hatin'-ass Spurrier post game.

Illuminati pick: North Carolina Wins.

#2 TCU Horned Frogs (-16.5) at Minnesota Golden Gophers

TCU just barely missed out on the playoff last year. This year, they're out for blood. Their opponents' blood, I mean. Not the blood horned frogs shoot out of their own eyes. That'd be weird. Why would they be after their own blood? Why the hell are you so curious about blood?

Illuminati pick: TCU wins but does not cover.

Michigan Wolverines at Utah Utes (-5)

Jim Harbaugh's Khaki Army vs. the LDS Church and their devoted dark slack wearers. THIS CALLS FOR A SLACK-OFF!

(No, the University of Utah is not officially affiliated with the LDS Church, being a public institution. Yes, there is still a large LDS contingent, because this is Utah.)

Illuminati pick: Utah covers.

Washington Huskies at #23 Boise State Broncos (-12)

Chris Petersen thought he had left Boise for good. He'd left the program he built for a posh new gig in Seattle. But he was wrong. You never leave Boise. Not until it's done with you.

Illuminati pick: Boise State covers.

Louisville Cardinals vs. #6 Auburn Tigers (-10.5)

Bobby Petrino is having the second worst weekend of his life. He's back in Atlanta, a city that forever hates him, coaching in the home stadium of the NFL team he abandoned. Now, here he is, having increased his win total at the Georgia Dome by 50%, gleefully knowing just how much his army of haters has grown.

Bobby Petrino his having the second best weekend of his life.

Illuminati pick: Louisville wins, Auburn is not #blessed enough.

Virginia Cavaliers at #13 UCLA Bruins (-19.5)

Virginia's non-con schedule the last three years includes (among others): BYU, UCLA, Oregon, Boise State. It's like sending your weakest soldier out to take down that huge castle. Bless his heart.

Illuminati pick: UCLA wins but does not cover but oh gods there is so much Cavalier blood everywhere

#15 Arizona State Sun Devils vs. Texas A&M Aggies (-3.5)

Texas A&M is favored over Arizona State even though the Sun Devils are ranked and the Aggies ain't. You know why that is, of course. It's that #SECWest swagger. The Aggies are from God's own division.

Devils don't care about which division is God's, sun or not.

Illuminati pick: Arizona State wins.

#20 Wisconsin Badgers vs. #3 Alabama Crimson Tide (-10.5)

The cold, ruthless Alabama machine vs. the school too cold and drunk to feel. Unfortunately for Wisconsin fans, the only craft beer recognized in AT&T Stadium is Dr Pepper.

Illuminati pick: Alabama covers.

#1 Ohio State Buckeyes (-11.5) at Virginia Tech Hokies

The defending national champions find themselves in the home of the only ones to beat them last year. But that was a long time ago. The Buckeyes have done some soul searching. They needed time to find themselves. What they found is they have multiple qualified quarterbacks and the best damn team in the land. The Hokies found something else.

Illuminati pick: Ohio State covers #goacc