GREETINGS AGAIN EARTH CITIZENS. WE HAVE CHOSEN TO SPEAK TO YOU DIRECTLY AGAIN THIS WEEK AFTER REVIEWING YOUR REGRETTABLE PICKS FROM LAST WEEK, WHICH YOU CAN VIEW HERE. BE WARNED: YOU ARE WEAK, FRAGILE, AND EXPENDABLE. THAT'S REALLY JUST A GENERAL STATEMENT, BUT GOING OVER THOSE SERVED AS A NICE REMINDER.
YOUR PUNISHMENT FOR SUCH A TERRIBLE PERFORMANCE IS KANSAS AT RUTGERS. YES, THAT IS A REAL GAME WE HAVE SET UP. SOME OF YOU WILL BE FORCED TO WATCH IT. SOME SIMPLY WILL TUNE IN OUT OF MORBID CURIOSITY. REGARDLESS, ALL OF YOU WILL SUFFER. IF THIS CONCERNS YOU, DO NOT WORRY: ONE DAY WE WILL CARRY OUT OUR PLAN FOR WORLD DOMINATION AND RENDER ALL OF THIS MEANINGLESS ANYWAY.
#20 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-8) @ Duke Blue Devils
Last year's loss to Duke, combined with last week's embarrassing defeat to Notre Dame, has left Paul Johnson in an especially foul mood. His face has been locked in a perma-scowl and he hasn't taken off his sunglasses at any point. Why? He's working on his death stare, but he's like Cyclops: you're safe from his gaze as long as he keeps the sunglasses on.
Illuminati pick: Georgia Tech covers.
Kansas Jayhawks @ Rutgers Scarlet Knights (-12.5)
oh come on this is not a real game
sweet Jesus this is a real game why would you ever watch this game
you would have to force me to watch this game and oh ok i see you're going to get the chair and the rope don't forget to get that thing to hold my eyes open since you're going for the full torture experience here
Illuminati pick: Rutgers wins but does not cover.
#8 LSU Tigers (-24.5) @ Syracuse Orange
LSU fans are convinced their contingent of 7,500 or so will drink all the liquor in Syracuse, New York, population 145,000. I know they're used to Les Miles making them drink, but that's still a bit ridiculous. LSU should worry about running out of grass in the Carrier Dome. 'Cause.... it's a turf field, ya dig?
Illuminati pick: LSU wins but does not cover.
#24 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-3) @ Texas Longhorns
Oklahoma State is 3-0, but they ain't played nobody (PAWWWWWWL). Texas has played a couple of somebodies, and, welllllll..... they're 1-2. This series over the past few years, as battles between longhorns and cowboys tend to be. What I'm saying is: someone is getting gored in this game. It might be Charlie Strong. It might also not be Charlie Strong. No one knows for sure yet.
Illuminati pick: Oklahoma State covers.
Virginia Tech Hokies (-8.5) @ East Carolina Pirates
Fun fact: Virginia Tech and East Carolina have played every year since 2007, except for 2012. Is this a future ACC Coastal matchup? Maybe one that helps decide the division every two or three years? Well, I already know the answer, and technically, I'm not supposed to share the Council's decisions with all of you, but the answer is....
Illuminati pick: Virginia Tech wins but does not cover.
#19 USC Trojans (-5.5) @ Arizona State Sun Devils
Ah, lovely Tempe, Arizona, where kickoff temperature will be a pleasant 95 degrees. And that's at 7:30 local time. The entire Phoenix area is a monument to man's hubris, and will be the first city to be destroyed as part of the Illuminati Council's mater plan, or so I'm told.
Tempe, of course, is also ground zero for the Kiffinpocalypse, which may or may not have resulted in Lane Kiffin being left at LAX following their defeat to Arizona State two years ago. I wonder if the Trojan upperclassmen look back fondly on that trip. They probably do.
Illuminati pick: Arizona State wins.
#14 Texas A&M Aggies (-7.5) vs. Arkansas Razorbacks
BERT ASS KICKING WATCH 2K15 UPDATE: Bert is arriving at Jerryworld and my oh my look at all this ass he has brought to be kicked. There is so much ass here it might not all fit inside AT&T Stadium, but Kevin Sumlin has arrived to see fit all this ass is kicked just the same.
Illuminati pick: Texas A&M covers.
#3 TCU Horned Frogs (-7) @ Texas Tech Red Raiders
How real is the TCU-Texas Tech rivalry? They throw shade using light beer, which for a lot of college students is the realest shade there is. Texas Tech might think about keeping that beer to themselves, though. TCU ran out of fireworks beating the Red Raiders 82-27 last year, and Tech will probably run out of beer watching the Horned Frogs attempt a repeat.
Illuminati pick: TCU covers.
#18 Utah Utes @ #11 Oregon Ducks (-11)
Oregon is still [all the fire emojis] on offense, but they gave up 28 points to Georgia State, which really isn't good for a top 15 team. Utah likes to score a bit more than Georgia State does, so.... maybe watch out for that, Ducks?
Illuminati pick: Oregon covers.
#9 UCLA Bruins (-3) @ #16 Arizona Wildcats
UCLA sold their soul to the devil to beat BYU last week with a game sealing interception, and now they're paying the piper: LB/RB/coach maybe?/everything Myles Jack suffered a knee injury and is out for the season. Arizona is pretty banged up too, with a litany of injuries of their own, but Myles Jack is roughly equivalent to three normal football players, so it's still about even.
Illuminati pick: Arizona wins.