clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Illuminati Picks, Week 3: Notre Dame does not control their own fate (and neither does anyone else)

New, 28 comments

WE STILL CONTROL EVERYTHING, IN CASE THAT WASN'T SUBTLE ENOUGH

WE ARE ALWAYS WATCHING
WE ARE ALWAYS WATCHING

GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. THE COUNCIL OF THE ILLUMINATI WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS MOMENT TO ADDRESS YOU DIRECTLY. WE ARE PLEASED BY THE INTEREST IN OUR COLLEGE FOOTBALL PICKING CHALLENGE, AND ARE DELIGHTED TO NOTE OVER ONE HUNDRED MEMBERS OF YOUR FROM THE RUMBLE SEAT GEORGIA TECH SPORTS BLOG COMMUNITY HAVE PARTICIPATED SO FAR. YOU MAY VIEW YOUR ATTEMPTS TO MATCH US HERE.

SOME OF YOU WILL NOTICE YOUR SCORE IS HIGHER THAN THAT OF "DUFF'D IT! ILLUMINATI" AND THINK YOU HAVE SOMEHOW BESTED US. THAT IS ADORABLE. AS HAS BEEN NOTED, WE HAVE SENT A REPRESENTATIVE IN OUR STEAD TO PRESENT YOU THE WEEK'S PICKS. WE DO NOT INFORM HIM OF OUR DECISIONS. WHERE WOULD BE THE COMPETITION IN THAT? WE'RE NOT GOING TO JUST TELL YOU WHO'S WINNING EVERY GAME. THAT WOULD RENDER THIS ENTIRE EXERCISE POINTLESS. OUR REPRESENTATIVE IS JUST AS MUCH A PART OF THIS GAME AS YOU ARE.

BELOW ARE THIS WEEK'S PICKS. NONE OF YOU HAVE MATCHED US IN ANY WEEK SO FAR. PERHAPS YOU CAN IMPRESS US BY DOING SO THIS WEEK.

#14 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-2.5) @ #8 Notre Dame Fighting Irish

Brian VanGorder wakes up only to find someone has set his clock back three hours. He goes to take a shower and finds his shampoo has been replaced with dish soap. When he tries to leave the house, his car won't start - he checks to find a banana in his tailpipe. Nearly 700 miles away in Atlanta, Paul Johnson chuckles out loud for no apparent reason.

Illuminati pick: Georgia Tech covers.

#11 Clemson Tigers (-7) @ Louisville Cardinals

Well, this was setting up to be a big early season ACC Atlantic matchup, but that was before Louisville lost to Houston. No matter what happens in this game, though, it'll end with Bobby Petrino and 8-ball the Tiger riding Harleys into the sunset, in search of booze, babes, and 8-ball's friend Fred, who knows a guy who knows a guy.

Illuminati pick: Clemson covers.

Nebraska Cornhuskers @ Miami Hurricanes (-3.5)

A mysterious stranger bursts through the door. "I'm from the future!" he exclaims. "Miami and Nebraska will play a football game in 2015 but both teams suck and it's not nearly as exciting as it eight years ago or even last year!"

You look at your calendar. It's 2015, and the Canes and Huskers do indeed play a game this Saturday and they do indeed suck. You pick up your phone and page security.

Illuminati pick: Nebraska wins.

#23 Northwestern Wildcats @ Duke Blue Devils (-3.5)

Northwestern opened the season with an win against Stanford, and now heads to Durham for the second leg of the nerd college Champions League. The winner advances to face Vanderbilt for the cup!

Illuminati pick: Duke covers.

#18 Auburn Tigers @ #13 LSU Tigers (-6.5)

Auburn vs. LSU is a historic rivalry, commonly known as the "Big Ol' Tiger Fight" by no one, because I just made that up. LSU shouldn't have trouble against a team that had to go into overtime against Jacksonville State last week, but given Les Miles still runs the place, that has no intrinsic meaning whatsoever.

Illuminati pick: LSU wins but does not cover.

South Carolina Gamecocks @ #7 Georgia Bulldogs (-16.5)

Once again, Steve Spurrier faces the school he hates the most. And while Georgia fans are clogging the Twitter tubes talking about how Spurrier is really just a goofy idiot, they can't escape his 4-1 record vs. the Dawgs over the past five years. Spurrier knows he faces a win-win here. If South Carolina wins, UGA lost to a team that lost to Kentucky. If UGA wins - hey, what are y'all celebrating about, Dawgs? You beat a team that just lost to Kentucky.

Illuminati pick: Georgia wins but does not cover.

Memphis Tigers (-3.5) @ Bowling Green Falcons

The mid-major special! Memphis and Bowling Green are two good teams that really like scoring points and are both fresh off of stomping a power 5 team. Okay, so Memphis's opponent was Kansas, but it still technically counts. If slow, defensive grinds are your thing, go watch something else (and also, we're not friends anymore). Otherwise, pound a Surge or two and watch this game.

Illuminati pick: Bowling green wins. #MACtion

Stanford Cardinal @ #6 USC Trojans (-10)

It really felt like both these teams were pretty bad last year, didn't it? But they were actually really good! They won 17 games combined and both teams won their bowl games. Must be that East Coast Bias talking. The same East Coast Bias that has USC and UCLA pegged as playoff contenders. Shhhhhh.

Illuminati pick: USC covers.

#19 BYU Cougars @ #10 UCLA Bruins (-17)

BYU brings their divine and blessed brand of football into west Los Angeles, where they only worship two things: the sun, and money. But go ahead, BYU. Try winning on a Hail Mary like you did against Boise and Nebraska. Let us know how that works out for you.

Illuminati pick: UCLA wins but does not cover.

#15 Ole Miss Rebels @ #2 Alabama Crimson Tide (-7)

"IT'S A BIG REVENGE GAME!" according to ESPN. But really, other than some Bama hand-wringing about how Ole Miss should have acted like they'd been there before when they rushed the field after beating the Tide last year, it's just an SEC West matchup. So that's where College Gameday is, obviously.

Illuminati pick: Alabama covers.