Greetings again, Earth citizens! You appear to have taken a great interest in the Illuminati's college football picking contest, with 100 of you submitting picks last week, so I have been authorized to continue issuing picks for the rest of the season. Be sure to give the proper thanks to your future rulers! You can view last week's picks here.
Before getting to this week's picks, I would like to make clear a couple details I sadly overlooked last week. The first is regarding ties - when a team wins by the exact number of points it was expected to cover. This is a push, with the result being, technically, no one who picked this game will have won. To avoid this, and in the interest of simplicity, the Illuminati have declared ties win - a team picked to cover by X points that wins by that number of points wins you the pick.
The second is regarding deadlines. All picks are due no later than kickoff at noon on Saturday. Any and all picks submitted past that time will be nullified. On occasions when picks include games kicking off on Thursday and/or Friday, you will of course need to submit your picks before kickoff to them to count; however, missing these games will not jeopardize the rest of your picks. Some of you thought you could cheat last week by submitting your picks on Sunday. The Illuminati knows when you've submitted your picks, people. Google does, too. They're all time stamped upon submission.
And now, without further ado, here is week 2 of the Illuminati's picks. "Why are they so assy?" some of you are asking. As the official representative of the Illuminati, I would like to apologize on their behalf. The council members have very busy schedules and sometimes put together the college football schedules after a night of heavy drinking. It's uphill from here, promise.
Tulane Green Wave @ #15 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-28.5)
"You know," Paul Johnson says at his weekly presser, "New Orleans last year was a pretty fun trip. The people there will eat anything and drink anywhere. They've got it all figured out. Plus those Hurricanes ain't half bad. I ought to send Tulane's staff a bucket of Paul Johnson Hurricane."
"What's in a Paul Johnson Hurricane, coach?" a media member asks.
"Oh, it's pretty simple. There's bourbon," Johnson pauses and takes a large sip of Paul Johnson Hurricane, "....and more bourbon."
Illuminati pick: Georgia Tech covers.
#19 Oklahoma Sooners (-1.5) @ #23 Tennessee Volunteers
No, you're not going crazy, you really are hearing Rocky Top and Boomer Sooner, at the same time, on a loop, for three and a half hours. So actually, yeah, you're going crazy.
Illuminati pick: Oklahoma covers.
Iowa Hawkeyes (-3.5) @ Iowa State Cyclones
Ah, yes, the most exciting early season intrastate rivalry in the state of Iowa. Many such rivalries are played with conference implications on the line, while some are just played for pride. El Assico is not played for either of these. The Hawkeyes and Cyclones are both 1-0, having defeated an FCS opponent in week 1, one will be 2-0 after Saturday, and then both are going to get run ragged by conference play.
Illuminati pick: Iowa State wins.
#9 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-13) @ Virginia Cavaliers
In the past few years Virginia has played BYU, Oregon, and UCLA, and later this year, they'll play Boise State. You can't say the Cavaliers haven't filled out their non-conference schedule like champions. But you can say it's literally the only thing championship caliber about this team.
Illuminati pick: Notre Dame covers.
#20 Boise State Broncos (-2.5) @ BYU Cougars
It's the Broncos vs. Bronco Mendenhall. Seems like an unfair fight. For Boise. Remember, Utah students rushed the field after beating BYU a few years ago (the infamous "let's rush the field three times" game), and Mendenhall glared at them all until they retreated back into the stands. He might be Mormon, but that's not going to stop him from messing you up, Mormon style.
Illuminati pick: Boise State covers.
Utah State Aggies @ #24 Utah Utes (-13)
This game specifically is known as the Battle of the Brothers, but these two schools and BYU together play for a trophy called the Beehive Boot. Why would you make a boot out of a beehive? Why would you contest it in a football game? Utah's weird, man.
Illuminati pick: Utah wins but does not cover.
Oregon State Beavers @ Michigan Wolverines (-16.5)
Gary Andersen thought he had escaped the Big Ten, but it will drag him kicking and screaming back to Ann Arbor for a game against the Khaki Zen master. Michigan is favored by almost two touchdowns and a field goal. A fight between an actual wolverine and an actual beaver might be more competitive and entertaining and contain just as much bloodshed!
Illuminati pick: Michigan wins but does not cover.
Wake Forest Demon Deacons @ Syracuse Orange (-4.5)
It's the first ACC matchup of the season! And boy, do we have a good one for you: Flo.... oh, hey, Wake Forest. Hey, Syracuse. Y'all are kicking off ACC conference play, huh?
Illuminati pick: Syracuse wins but does not cover.
#14 LSU Tigers (-5) @ #25 Mississippi State Bulldogs
And thus we begin our journey towards a 7-way, 4-4 tie in the SEC West! That's what everyone is predicting, right? Since the SEC West has the seven best teams in college football? No? Huh. Weird.
Les Miles has to explain to twenty different policemen in Starkville his bag of Tiger Stadium grass really is just grass and not marijuana only to be sermonized with "Here at Mississippi State we've never had to resort to using the Devil's Lettuce. We've always relied on this good, wholesome *CLANGACLANGACLANGACLANGACLANGA-*"
Illuminati pick: LSU wins but does not cover.
#7 Oregon Ducks @ #5 Michigan State Spartans (-4)
Ducks-Spartans are your main event for the night. Expect lots of fire - beautiful, beautiful, green, sparking fire - as both teams bring in deadly offenses combined with ehhhh defenses. Whoever wins this game can feel pretty good about having a future date with Ohio State. (Actually, if MSU loses, they get a future date with the Buckeyes anyway. Not getting out of this that easy, Dantonio.)
Illuminati pick: Oregon wins.