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Illuminati Picks: We'll Have a Game of the Century Whenever We Feel Like

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OUR CONCEPT OF TIME IS A BIT DISTORTED COMPARED TO YOURS YOU SEE

YOU CANNOT RUN FROM US.
YOU CANNOT RUN FROM US.

(Note: the link to last week's results didn't make the initial publishing. You can review last week's results here.)

GREETINGS ONCE AGAIN, EARTH CITIZENS. IT HAS BEEN A WHILE. WE THINK. WHEN ONE OVERSEES THE WORLD AS LONG AS WE HAVE SOME THINGS TEND TO RUN TOGETHER.

ANYWAY, BY NOW YOU ARE ALL AWARE OF THE..... 'INCIDENT' THAT OCCURRED AT THE END OF THE DUKE-MIAMI GAME THIS PAST SATURDAY. YES, AS DIFFICULT AS IT IS TO BELIEVE, SOME OF OUR UNDERLINGS OCCASIONALLY DECIDE TO GO INTO BUSINESS FOR THEMSELVES. THIS HAS NEVER ENDED WELL. THE OFFICIAL STORY, AS YOU ALL KNOW, IS THE REFEREES FOR THIS GAME WERE "SUSPENDED". THE TRUTH IS..... WELL, YOU'D RATHER NOT KNOW THE TRUTH.

Cincinnati Bearcats @ #25 Houston Cougars (-8)

If you hadn't noticed, the AAC is, uh, kind of a good conference this year? They're probably getting that G5 New Years Six bowl bid. One of the teams vying for that spot is undefeated (and CFP committee ranked!) Houston, going up against ...undefeated Cincinnati? That's not right.

*puts on glasses, squints*

This says the Bengals. Who put this together? You do know there's a college football team in Cincy, too, right? I know the idea either one would ever start 8-0 is pretty nuts, but come on.

Illuminati pick: Houston wins but does not cover

Duke Blue Devils @ #21 UNC Tar Heels (-7.5)

Last week, a ranked Duke team was upset by an unranked Miami team partially thanks to referee shenanigans. This week they play North Carolina in a game that will have a major impact on the ACC standings. Tell your time traveling friend from 2005 this is about football and not basketball and time how long he laughs at you.

Illuminati pick: Duke wins

Navy Midshipmen @ #13 Memphis Tigers (-7.5)

There's been a severe lack of America in these weekly picks, so we stuffed two AAC games and Navy in this week. Navy has a loss (to Notre Dame), but winning out starting with a victory over the Tigers would almost surely put them in a New Years Six bowl. Maybe versus Alabama or Ohio State? This feels like the set up for a historical metaphor, but no one ever compares sports to world history. That'd be silly.

Illuminati pick: Memphis covers

#5 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-8.5) @ Pitt Panthers

These games are always close when Pitt isn't good. (Remember 2012 BCS National Championship participant Notre Dame needing three overtimes to defeat a Panthers team that finished 6-7 by a field goal?) Now Pitt is, um, good. This could be a problem for the Irish.

Illuminati pick: Pitt wins

#8 TCU Horned Frogs (-4.5) @ #14 Oklahoma State Cowboys

Oklahoma State is 8-0. Did you know that? I didn't know that. Somehow they got all the way to November ain't having played nobody. But see, Cowboys, it says right here y'all have to play TCU, Baylor, and Oklahoma in the span of four weeks. Hope Pistol Pete has a lot of ammo left.

Illuminati pick: TCU covers

#16 Florida State Seminoles @ #1 Clemson Tigers (-10.5)

Clemson hasn't beaten the Noles since 2011. In 2012, FSU came to Clemson in one of the biggest games of the season. They whipped the Tigers' asses. Last year, Clemson went to Tallahassee and lost a close game in overtime..... in a game where Jameis Winston was suspended. Y'all think the Tigers need any extra motivation against Florida State this Saturday? Nahhhhh. But they still have it in the form of playoff aspirations. Good luck, Osceola!

Illuminati pick: Clemson wins but does not cover

#12 Utah Utes @ Washington Huskies (-2)

A highly ranked Utah team pegged as road underdogs to an unranked team? This feels familiar. It's just a Vegas fluke. You're going to be just fine, Utes. Just fine...... shhhh..... this is the first time it's happened this season.... just stay calm.....

Illuminati pick: Utah wins

Kansas Jayhawks @ Texas Longhorns (-28.5)

If an evening slate including LSU-Alabama, Minnesota-Ohio State, and Utah-Washington doesn't interest you, well, there is this game. Live, on the Longhorn Network. I have no idea if fans in Kansas can watch this game. I have no idea if they'd even want to.

Illuminati pick: Texas wins but does not cover

Minnesota Golden Gophers @ #3 Ohio State Buckeyes (-24)

JT Barrett got in a wee bit of trouble last weekend, and as a result is suspended for one game and will lose his scholarship for the summer semester. Yes, Urban Meyer managed to deliver a punishment that was simultaneously absurdly light and absurdly harsh. You think he cares? Nope. He's smiling at you right now while flashing his multiple championship rings.

Illuminati pick: Ohio State wins but does not cover

#2 LSU Tigers @ #4 Alabama Crimson Tide (-7)

If recent history has told us anything, it's that LSU-Alabama defines the season. (That's Bill Connelly's argument, and he's a lot smarter than I am when it comes to football things.) But I really hate when seasons are defined by ugly, super-defensive battles, so, um, score some points this weekend, guys? Please?

Illuminati pick: LSU wins