GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. YOU HAVE DONE WELL TO MAKE IT THIS FAR. YOUR RESILIENCE IS ADMIRABLE: IN THE EARLY SEASON YOU HAD TO ENDURE GAMES LIKE RUTGERS-KANSAS, NEBRASKA-MIAMI, AND GAMES INVOLVING CENTRAL FLORIDA.
BUT NOW, LOOK BELOW AND REJOICE. WE HAVE REWARDED YOU JUSTLY FOR YOUR PATIENCE WITH THE SLATE OF GAMES BELOW. SUCH A STRONG LINEUP MAY BE A SURPRISE TO YOU, BUT NOT TO US. REMEMBER, THIS WAS ALL PART OF OUR PLAN. SO INSTEAD OF THANKING THE GODS WE INVENTED FOR YOU TO WORSHIP, JUST SAVE SOME TIME AND THANK US INSTEAD.
AS ALWAYS, THE RESULTS FROM PREVIOUS WEEKS CAN BE REVIEWED HERE.
Georgia Bulldogs (-4) @ Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets
Finally, we have arrived at Clean, Old-Fashioned Hate. Some haters tried to rename the series "Clean, Old-Fashioned Fun" a few years ago, and thank the gods that did not take, because this season hasn't been fun for either team. Georgia might be the worst 8-3 team in the country and has been dogged by rumors of major turmoil among the staff. Georgia Tech has seen everyone get injured, and by the way, you're starting at A-back on Saturday. Good luck!
Illuminati pick: Georgia covers
#15 Navy Midshipmen (-4) @ Houston Cougars
This was supposed to be the MOST LIT AAC matchup of the season, and indeed, of all time. (Yes, the AAC is only three years old. Unless you count the old Big East, which.... let's not make things too complicated, okay?) Then Houston had to screw everything up by losing to UConn. UConn? Man, I hate Canada. I feel like I heard that joke recently.....
This game hasn't been robbed of its stakes, though. The winner wins the AAC West and punches their ticket to the championship game, thus keeping them in the running for a New Years Six bowl bid. So this will still be LIT, just not MAXIMUM LIT.
(Side note: this game kicks off at noon on Friday. Get your pick in early!)
Illuminati pick: Navy covers
#7 Baylor Bears @ #19 TCU Horned Frogs (-2)
At long last, we've made it to TCU-Baylor, aka "The Revivalry", aka "nuh-uh it's totally not a rivalry we just hate that school up/down I-35 a lot and hope they lose everything". After last year's 61-58 epic that ultimately led to both schools proclaiming themselves Big 12 champions, the league intentionally backloaded the schedules to place this game at the end of the season. Unfortunately, both teams ran into some trouble in Oklahoma, so this isn't quite the climactic clash it was envisioned to be. But it will still be fun to watch because of all the bears, blood and fire on offense, and because Baylor still has an outside shot at the Big 12 crown. They're also on their third quarterback, but they're not worried, because Art Briles has a magical quarterback tree somewhere he shakes whenever his gets injured and he needs a new one.
Illuminati pick: TCU covers
#8 Ohio State Buckeyes (-1) @ #10 Michigan Wolverines
We've finally arrived at the [ERROR: RIVALRY NAME NOT FOUND], where Michigan and Ohio State will battle it out to determine which is the better team that still lost to Michigan State's special teams. While this isn't the biggest game in the series - Buckeys-Wolverines was #1 vs. #2 in 2006 - a top ten matchup with basically an even spread promises to be a lot of fun. Or at least as much fun as Big Ten football allows. The Big Ten West finale is a play in two parts, because whoever wins this game is going to be very interested in the result of......
Illuminati pick: Ohio State covers
Penn State Nittany Lions @ #5 Michigan State Spartans (-11)
The scenario for Michigan State is pretty simple: win the Land Grant Trophy, and they're in the Big Ten Championship game versus Iowa. Lose, and the winner of the above game goes. So, you know, no pressure, Spartans. Just one of your biggest rivals - that you already beat - going in your place if you lose. But things always go according to plan in college football, right?
Illuminati pick: Michigan State wins but does not cover
#18 Ole Miss Rebels (-1) @ #21 Mississippi State Bulldogs
The Egg Bowl is where the champion of Mississippi is crowned. Truly the highest of honors. The Bulldogs are looking for revenge after the Rebels knocked them out of the college football playoff last year, while a Rebel win would keep their (already very small) chances of winning the SEC West alive. Unfortunately, regardless of who wins, there's zero chance both teams go to and get subsequently humiliated in New Years Six bowls for the second consecutive season.
Illuminati pick: Ole Miss covers
#13 Florida State Seminoles (-3) @ #12 Florida Gators
Florida-Florida State has slipped under the radar on this weekend's slate, but just because there's nothing at stake doesn't mean it's not worth your time. Florida is surprisingly very good this year, and a win over the Noles would be a nice feather in their cap before walking into the buzzsaw that is Alabama next week in the SEC championship game. FSU is 9-2 in a rebuilding year, and a win might let them hang around and snatch a New Years Six bowl bid. Honestly, this is the most attention the state of Florida should be getting since the Florida Man Twitter account started.
Illuminati pick: FSU covers
#6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish @ #9 Stanford Cardinal (-4)
At some point (1988 at the earliest) it was decided this is an official rivalry game, because sure, Notre Dame doesn't have enough of those. But both teams have been ranked in this game for the past five iterations (including this one), so I'm not complaining. A Notre Dame win all but guarantees them a spot in the college football playoff. The same could happen to Stanford if they win Saturday and again in the Pac-12 Championship. So whether you're watching or just hate-watching, it's probably worth your time.
Illuminati pick: Stanford covers
#22 UCLA Bruins @ USC Trojans (-3)
USC and UCLA fight for the Victory Bell in the Battle of LA. But they're also fighting for a trip to Santa Clara, as the winner of this game will win the Pac-12 South and a berth in the Pac-12 championship game. So one of these teams could be Rose Bowl bo- hahahahah, no I'm kidding, whoever wins this game will be slaughtered by Stanford, again, because the Cardinal already beat the Trojans by 10 and the Bruins by 21 earlier this season.
Illuminati pick: UCLA wins
#3 Oklahoma Sooners (-7) @ #11 Oklahoma State Cowboys
It's fitting that so much in this college football season would depend on a game with a nickname meaning "this be crazy, yo". Bedlam is not only a factor in who will win the Big 12, but could also propel one team into the college football playoff - and will definitely doom at least two teams to the outside. History says Oklahoma State never, ever, ever wins this game, ever, but it also says the team that wins this game will make the least sense. The Sooners are favored, so congratulations, Cowboys!
Illuminati pick: Oklahoma State wins