GREETINGS, EARTH CITIZENS. AT THIS POINT YOU ARE DOUBTLESS AWARE OF A "MISHAP" THAT OCCURRED DURING DABO SWINNEY'S POSTGAME INTERVIEW AFTER CLEMSON'S VICTORY OVER NOTRE DAME. SOME BELIEVE THIS WAS NO ACCIDENT. THEY ARE CORRECT, BUT FOR INCORRECT REASONS. SOME BELIEVE DABO WAS CUT OFF BECAUSE HE USED PROFANITIES, OR TALKED TOO MUCH ABOUT HIS GOD.
NEITHER OF THESE ARE TRUE. IT WAS US, OF COURSE. DABO KNOWS WHAT HE DID TO DESERVE THIS.
YOUR CHALLENGE PICKS FOR THIS WEEK ARE BELOW. AS ALWAYS, THE RESULTS OF YOUR PLEBIAN PICKS CAN BE VIEWED HERE.
Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets @ #6 Clemson Tigers (-7)
"I'LL TELL YOU WHAT," Dabo Swinney declares in his perpetual yell-voice, "LIKE I SAID LAST SATURDAY, THIS TEAM IS BRING YOUR OWN GUTS. GEORGIA TECH IS GONNA BRING THEIR OWN GUTS ON SATURDAY TOO, BUT IF YOU'VE EVER SWATTED A YELLOW JACKET YOU KNOW THEY DON'T HAVE MANY GUTS. SO THIS SATURDAY, RIGHT HERE IN DEATH VALLEY, THE GREATEST PLACE IN THE WORLD, THEY BETTER-"
//cuts to SportsCenter
Illuminati pick: Clemson covers
Navy Midshipmen @ #15 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-14.5)
This is the 89th meeting of the two schools, an annual series that started in 1927 when Navy paid Notre Dame a lot of money to use their campus as a temporary training grounds. Notre Dame has already played an option team earlier this year and beat them handily, but they should have a bit more trouble playing against the athletes Navy has. Writing this caused me physical pain.
Illuminati pick: Notre Dame wins but does not cover
#10 Oklahoma Sooners (-17) vs. Texas Longhorns
The 2015 edition of the Red River Shootout is upon us, and the Sooners are heavy favorites. But this is in Texas, and like all things associated with Texas, you throw logic straight out the window, especially when you can walk out of the stadium and order deep fried Coca-Cola.
Illuminati pick: Oklahoma wins but does not cover
#19 Georgia Bulldogs (-3) @ Tennessee Volunteers
Tennessee just lost to Bret Bielema, has had misconduct allegations levied at their coach, and is in a state of disarray. Georgia was a playoff contender that was just eliminated in an absolute brutal fashion. This game has "brutal destruction of an inferior opponent to vent our frustration" written all over it.
Wait. This game is going to turn out the exact opposite of that, isn't it?
Illuminati pick: Georgia covers
#13 Northwestern Wildcats @ #18 Michigan Wolverines (-7.5)
Ah, yes, M00N, named after the location last year's Michigan-Northwestern game should have been played to make it entertaining. Both teams have done a 180 and are actually good this year: Michigan due to replacing Brady Hoke with John Harbaugh, and Northwestern..... wait, how did Northwestern get good? What's going on here? Are they finally, truly, Illinois' B1G team like they always wanted to be?
Illuminati pick: Northwestern wins
UConn Huskies @ UCF Knights (-2.5)
This is it: the Civil Conflict! It's AAC rivalry game we've all been waiting for. A rivalry so storied, so fierce, that actually none of this is true and UConn made it up (trophy included!) without informing UCF about it. UCF is actually favored in this game, somehow, despite having zero wins and notching a loss against FCS Furman. Yes, this is a terrible matchup. I really just didn't want to get through this year without mentioning the Civil ConFLiCT.
Illuminati pick: UConn wins
#2 TCU Horned Frogs (-9) @ Kansas State Wildcats
Things are getting pretty thin at quarterback for Kansas State. Bill Snyder has joked about playing a lineman at quarterback. Or is it a joke? You want to try to stop a 300 pound man running a QB keeper? I don't.
Illuminati pick: TCU covers
#11 Florida Gators (-5) @ Missouri Tigers
Last year, Mizzou gained 119 yards on offense and beat Florida 42-13. I have no idea how you top that in terms of pure weirdness, so these teams shouldn't really even try. And they probably won't, because, hey, Florida is actually kind of good this year? So there's still a pretty strong weirdness factor in play here.
Illuminati pick: Florida wins but does not cover
Miami Hurricanes @ #13 Florida State Seminoles (-9)
Tragedy nearly strikes when Chief Osceola just barely misses planting his spear in Al Golden. Osceola then rips off his face, revealing himself as the Miami fan who's been buying the "FIRE AL GOLDEN" airplane banners. There's one flying around Doak Campbell Stadium this Saturday, too, and the fan escapes when the plane flying it swoops in and picks him up.
Illuminati pick: FSU covers
#23 California Golden Bears @ #5 Utah Utes (-7.5)
I did some research on the Ute tribe (okay, I looked on Wikipedia, it counts) and found out they consider bears to be a sacred animal. Does that mean Utah soundly beating Cal on the football field would be considered blasphemous? Only if you view these football matchups as metaphors and not, you know, actual football games.
Illuminati pick: Utah covers