clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Illuminati Picks: Philly is the City Where the Illuminati Invented Love

New, 3 comments

JUST KIDDING, EVEN WE THINK IT'S A BIT OF AN ARMPIT

WE ARE ALL AROUND YOU
WE ARE ALL AROUND YOU

//turns off alarm clock and rolls out of bed

Oh man..... it has been a crazy week. Without the Council around there was a lot of weird football and weirder partying. Should probably get on this week's.....

//sees Thursday college football schedule

Oh, what the hell, guys?? You put four of the week's best games on a Thursday when I write these for Friday? You knew, didn't you. You were just pretending not to notice my selections last week and this is my punishment. Fine. I'll take your lemons. And burn your house down. With the lemons.

What? Nothing.

(As always, previous week's results can be found here.)

Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-6) @ Virginia Cavaliers

The Jackets travel to the Bermuda Triangle (otherwise known as Charlottesville) for this year's edition of the ACC Coastal matchup. They're favored, and their spirits are high after the act of Illuminati play that cemented their upset of FSU. This can only mean one thing.

Illuminati pick: Georgia Tech covers

Georgia Bulldogs vs. #11 Florida Gators (-2)

The event Jacksonville locals fear is upon us once again. Since losing Nick Chubb, Georgia has failed to convince anyone they were just Chubb and the guys who blocked for him. Meanwhile, Florida's only blemish is a touchdown loss to LSU. Oh, and while Florida's remembering Treon Harris is a fine replacement for the suspended Will Grier, there's a pretty good chance some young Georgia quarterback makes his first start Saturday. Have fun, Bulldogs! I'd wish you luck, but 1) I hate you, and 2) this happened last year, so I know logic and luck stay as far from this game as possible.

Illuminati pick: Florida covers

#19 Ole Miss Rebels (-7.5) @ Auburn Tigers

You may remember Ole Miss came just yards short of completing the rare Alabama sweep last year. If you don't, whatever you do, don't watch the ending. Seriously. Just read about it. Trust me on this. Ole Miss has another chance this year, and let's just say Laquon Treadwell would like the ankle breaks in this game to be because of him instead of on him, and also metaphorical instead of real.

Illuminati pick: Ole Miss covers

Virginia Tech Hokies (-2.5) @ Boston College Eagles

You could have had UNC-Pitt, but no, that had to be on Thursday. So instead you get a game that is nothing like it and is more likely to make you cry than entertain. I need to point out that 2.5 points here is both the spread and may also be the over/under. Could these teams really combine to score fewer than three points? It's possible.

Illuminati pick: Boston College wins

#12 Oklahoma State Cowboys (-2.5) @ Texas Tech Red Raiders

2.5 points? What is this, a normal, not Big 12 league? I mean, sure, instead of winning games by 25+ points, the Cowboys have beaten Texas by 3, Kansas State by 2, and West Virginia by a touchdown..... but they did beat Kansas by 48! But everyone beats Kansas by 48. Are you a real Big 12 team, Oklahoma State?

Illuminati pick: Oklahoma State covers

USC Trojans (-5.5) @ California Golden Bears

USC - headless, directionless USC - just smoked previously unbeaten Utah, beating them by 18 points in Los Angeles. Could this be the signs of change? The beginnings of a resurrection for the Trojans?

Nah. This has "letdown" written all over it.

Illuminati pick: Cal wins

Miami Hurricanes @ #11 Duke Blue Devils (-11)

Duke has 2 wins against Miami, ever. It's not a particularly storied series (only 12 games), but still. They've also been to Charlotte! Somewhere Miami hasn't been. I wonder if this game is horribly conflicting for Miami football/Duke basketball fans. Yes, those fans exist. Do you really need to ask?

Illuminati pick: Duke wins but does not cover

Oregon State @ #13 Utah Utes (-24.5)

Did 17th century Utes hunt beavers? Wikipedia says they did, and I trust them, and Vegas trusts them, and you should trust them too! Utah, off a crushing loss to USC that likely eliminated them from playoff contention but still controls their destiny in the Pac-12 South. The Beavers find themselves playing the role of speed bump, a role beavers are very familiar with.

Illuminati pick: Utah wins but does not cover

#8 Stanford Cardinal (-10.5) @ Washington State Cougars

This is a huge game, somehow. Stanford opened the season with a 16-6 loss to Northwestern. Wazzu is..... Wazzu, with the added bonus of having a season opening loss to FCS Portland State. The winner of this game controls their destiny in the Pac-12 North. That could be Wazzu. The Cougars. Of Washington State. The Council works in mysterious, possibly pirate-y ways.

Illuminati pick: Wazzu wins

#9 Notre Dame Fighting Irish (-11) @ #21 Temple Owls

Saturday's main even takes us to Philadelphia, a city well known for its connections to college football. 7-0 Temple finally gets its chance to shine in the spotlight against a heavily favored and still potentially playoff bound Notre Dame. Is this going to lead to a bunch of terrible American vs. Irish faux-war jokes? Yes, yes it is.

Illuminati pick: Notre Dame wins but does not cover