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Illuminati Picks, Week 8: The Council is Asleep, Host College GameDay at an FCS School!


This guy's going to be on TV again! Everyone remembers him, right??
This guy's going to be on TV again! Everyone remembers him, right??
Don McPeak-USA TODAY Sports

Oh. Um. Hi.

The council got a little busy this week planning global domination, and well..... college football kinda went by the wayside. It happens. They're only superhuman. The good news is I'm back to present this week's picks! The bad news is..... well..... this week's picks are realllllly assy. The council forgot to arrange good games for this week. That's why College GameDay is in Harrisonburg, Virginia. But don't worry, I will guide you through the darkness of this week's picks. As always, previous week's results are here.

#9 Florida State Seminoles (-6.5) @ Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets

Most schools schedule an easy game for homecoming, but Georgia Tech is not most schools, and anyone who went there will tell you how Tech believes making things easy is for wusses. You're not a wuss, right? Didn't think so. Prove it by playing FSU for homecoming. Yeah, it's a test you might fail. Lots of people fail tests at Georgia Tech. The Institute is proud of it.

Illuminati pick: FSU covers

Northwestern Wildcats @ Nebraska Cornhuskers (-7.5)

We've gone from M0-0N to NU-UN in the Big Ten. It sounds similar to "noon", but more like.... "nuuuuuun". The Wildcats were near the top of the world before getting outscored 78-10 in consecutive weeks. Now they get to play Nebraska, who is down but must win out from this point so Husker fans can convince themselves firing Bo Pelini was the right move.

Illuminati pick: Nebraska wins but does not cover

Texas Tech Red Raiders @ #17 Oklahoma Sooners (-14)

Fourteen points seems like a huge spread, and in any other conference it would be. But this is the Big 12. Being down two touchdowns means you're just a couple plays from tying the game back up. Unless you're Kansas. Then you're dead already. Fortunately for Texas Tech, they are not Kansas. Unfortunately, Oklahoma is still wayyyyy better than they are.

Illuminati pick: Oklahoma covers

Penn State Nittany Lions (-6.5) @ Maryland Terrapins

Penn State and Maryland share a border and now conference division affiliation, but.... look, this isn't a rivalry, okay, Maryland? The series is 35-2-1 in Penn State's favor, and that 2 is only because Maryland won last year's game, which was the first time it had been played in twenty years. You don't get to call something a rivalry after winning one game, Terrapins. That's how we get things like "Civil ConFLiCT".

Illuminati pick: Penn State covers

#23 Duke Blue Devils @ Virginia Tech Hokies (-3)

Y'all know Duke is 5-1? And they just got done with pasting Army 44-3. Which probably wouldn't mean much, but 1) it's by far Army's worst offensive and defensive performance of the season and 2) it's still weird to think Duke is capable of pasting anyone. But they are, which is why they're favored to beat Virginia Tech.....

....they're not favored. Okay, so Vegas is asleep this week too.

Illuminati pick: Duke wins

Tennessee Volunteers @ #8 Alabama Crimson Tide (-15)

Hey, Tennessee. You still feeling good about that win over Georgia? You should. 'Cause now you gotta try to beat the other team that beat Georgia. Badly.

(Psssst, Vols: it ain't gonna happen. Hold that win over UGA close to you. Let it keep you warm.)

Illuminati pick: Alabama wins but does not cover

Washington State Cougars @ Arizona Wildcats (-7.5)

Wazzu is doing football things! They're 4-2 for the first time in forever, could be headed to a bowl, and they just notched back to back wins over Oregon and Oregon State to become the kings of Oregon!

....oh. Right. The Cougars lost to FCS Portland State to open the season.

Portland State, kings of Oregon!

Illuminati pick: Arizona covers

#15 Texas A&M Aggies @ #24 Ole Miss Rebels (-6)

Oh, hey, an actual ranked matchup! That's actually kind of boring. Why watch this when there's so much carnage you can watch elsewhere? Well Ole Miss does still has the "beat Bama" inertia in Vegas, despite losing to Memphis last week. By two scores.

The hell you on this week, Vegas?

Illuminati pick: Texas A&M wins

#18 Memphis Tigers (-10) @ Tulsa Golden Hurricane

We're still a couple weeks away from the really fun part of the AAC schedule, but for now we'll have to settle for just the still kinda fun part of the ACC schedule. After slaying an SEC giant and drinking its blood, the Fighting Fuentes get a break with a couple of (relatively) easy games before getting to play Navy, Houston, and Temple in consecutive weeks. Tulsa.... is here? Yes, they have been playing football this year.

Illuminati pick: Memphis covers

#3 Utah Utes @ USC Trojans (-3.5)

The Utah Utes are screaming their way through the season after demolishing Oregon in Eugene and are still on the fast track to make the playoff. Their next stop is downtown Los Angeles, where against a headless

...they're not favored. #3 Utah. An Underdog. At 3-3 USC. Go home, Vegas.

Illuminati pick: Utah wins

Richmond Spiders at James Madison Dukes

Hah, no, just kidding. Even I'm not crazy enough to put an FCS game in our weekly picks, even with the council napping. Can you imagine what they'd do to me? I can. I still remember what happened to the last guy. *shudders*