GREETINGS AGAIN, EARTH CITIZENS. WE HAVE REVIEWED YOUR PICKS FROM THE PREVIOUS WEEK (WHICH YOU CAN DO FOR YOURSELVES HERE) AND HAVE NOTICED A SHARP DECLINE IN PARTICIPATION FROM THE PREVIOUS WEEKS. ARE YOU NO LONGER ENTERTAINED BY OUR CHALLENGE? OR ARE YOU JUST SAD BECAUSE YOUR TEAM LOST A GAME?
IF IT'S THE LATTER, TOUGH. THE COUNCIL DOES NOT MAKE DECISIONS BASED ON WHAT YOU WANT. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS. WE HAVE OUR OWN INTERESTS TO TAKE CARE OF.
MAYBE IF YOUR PLAYERS STARTED THANKING THE ILLUMINATI FOR THEIR WINS INSTEAD OF GOD YOU MIGHT SEE YOUR FORTUNE CONTINUE. EVER THINK OF THAT?
North Carolina Tar Heels @ Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets (-7.5)
Paul Johnson hasn't been able to say anything but "DIVE" this whole week. It's really weird. Best guess is he fell asleep watching game tape and listening to the play calls and it just got stuck in his head, like in that one episode of Dexter's Lab.
Illuminati pick: Georgia Tech wins but does not cover.
#1 Ohio State Buckeyes (-21.5) @ Indiana Hoosiers
#iufb4gameday failed to bring College Gameday to Bloomington, but really, it's for the best. Why would you want the whole nation to tune in to your most humiliating moment? I've seen that in enough movies already.
Illuminati pick: Ohio State covers.
#13 Alabama Crimson Tide @ #8 Georgia Bulldogs (-2.5)
Alabama is facing the Bulldogs in the most important matchup of the year, but they're actually the underdogs for the first time since.... let me check here..... ever. Yep. It's never happened before. As if Nick Saban even cares - and he would know, too, because Nick Saban is eternal.
Illuminati pick: Alabama wins.
#3 Ole Miss Rebels (-7.5) @ #25 Florida Gators
The last time Ole Miss and Florida played, a saint was canonized. Seven years later, the roles have been reversed. Expect Swag Kelly to drop the year's hottest mixtape if the Rebels lose.
Illuminati pick: Ole Miss covers.
#21 Mississippi State Bulldogs @ #14 Texas A&M Aggies (-6.5)
Mississippi State travels to the Hate Barn in College Station for a key SEC West matchup, and suddenly I'm glad these two are separate schools. Texas A&M is full of traditions. Mississippi State is full of CLANGA. Can you imagine a stadium full of 100,000 people stomping, swaying, and ringing cowbells. I weep for the civil engineer trying to design one that can contain it and not collapse.
Illuminati pick: Texas A&M wins but does not cover.
Texas Tech Red Raiders @ #5 Baylor Bears (-17)
This is the fabled BU-TT game, but it will be anything but butts. The over-under for this game is 90.5 points, which might be the highest ever recorded. This game will have bears, and guns, and lots and lots of fire on offense. It's going to be awesome.
Illuminati pick: Baylor wins but does not cover.
Air Force Falcons @ Navy Midshipmen (-5)
Leg one of this year's American Freedom Challenge takes us to Annapolis, where Navy will try to wrestle the CIC Trophy back from Air Force after losing to the Falcons last year in Colorado Springs. Best viewed while grilling burgers and hot dogs outside by the pool, even if it's sixty degrees and monsooning from Hurricane Joaquin.
Illuminati pick: Navy covers.
Oregon Ducks (-7.5) @ Colorado Buffaloes
Oregon is in a weird, strange place after being unranked for the first time in years, but there's good news! The state just legalized recreational marijuana sales, so now the Ducks can have a marijuana share when they travel to Boulder. Instead of playing football, the two teams are just going to get stoned and talk about life.
Illuminati pick: Oregon wins but does not cover.
#23 West Virginia Mountaineers @ #15 Oklahoma Sooners (-7)
These two teams ain't played a lot of people, but they're going to bring the Big 12 offensive fire in Norman. West Virginia fans are known for burning couches after big victories, but I wouldn't put it past them to knock over the Sooner Schooner and set that on fire if they upset OU. Maybe keep it locked somewhere safe just in case, Sooners.
Illuminati pick: West Virginia wins.
#6 Notre Dame Fighting Irish @ #12 Clemson Tigers (-1.5)
College Gameday is in Clemson this week to see if potentially playoff bound Notre Dame can topple another highly ranked ACC foe. You know what this means: more long shots of Clemson riding buses around the stadium. You think the team sings "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round" while they're riding around to Howard's rock? I bet they do.
Illuminati pick: Notre Dame wins.